Help me get a grip - depressed and life too difficult

[Lucysdiamonds]

Everything seems to be going wrong .. the last 18 months have been rubbish. I lost my father, my mum had cancer, my marriage ended .. but I managed to carry on, sold the house, rented a tiny house, dd15 lives with me. I'm in a relationship that I'm really struggling with. Last year I was confused about my sexuality and met another woman three times, but it wasn't for me. Now my dp found out through reading some old messages and is devastated.

This is just one example of how I ruin my life. I'm impulsive, dont think things through. We argue a lot due to my insecurity and lack of confidence and I finish with him then regret it. Thankfully he takes me back. I've lost count of how often this has happened. It's self sabotage .. and a lack of patience.

I'm taking ADs but struggling with them and would like to stop taking them.

At the beginning of January my dd took an overdose, so now I'm terrified to let her out of my sight. She won't return to school so I've no time alone and darent leave the house without her.

It feels like everything's going wrong and I can't see the point anymore. I'm seeing a counsellor but getting nowhere because each week I've another row with dp to tell her about and we never get round to putting coping plans in place.

I don't think I can carry on like this. I feel like a useless mother and an awful person. I'm not working due to depression and anxiety and can't imagine ever managing to work again.

I have a dog I can't walk regularly, I pay someone to walk her twice a week but can't afford more often. I'm looking into rehoming her but even that isn't easy due to the fact that I promised someone they can use her for a dog grooming exam that isn't til May.

I'm lost and very sad and don't see how I can carry on.

First, you're not the one ruining your life, it's just a string of bad things that happen, you've drawn a short straw in life, and you cope with it and does so rather well. The fact that you feel like a useless person doesn't mean that it's true, objectively speaking. You clearly have to handle a difficult situation. Most people would probably not cope so well with it, as you do. Remember that when you compare to others, perhaps you're comparing with people who have it relatively easy in life, so naturally it looks like you're doing worse, but you don't know how these people would have been doing had they had it as difficult as you do.

So, the first thing you could do, right away, is not to put yourself down by saying bad things about yourself, things that don't even seem to be true, like "I ruin my life" or "I'm a useless mother and an awful person". You're not. If you say "I'm impulsive and don't think things through", that's fine because you can do something about it right away: You could say "From now on I'm going to aim at thinking things through". And the fact that you feel, now, as if you won't ever be able to work, doesn't mean it's necessarily true. Take small steps, and be glad over the tiniest progress. Start noticing the tiniest progress. Why can't you walk your dog? Is that something that you could start working towards doing? The first trip only around the house, or even just sit outside the door, perhaps, and for five minutes, but then for longer and longer stretches?

Also I noticed that you posted at 4:20 a.m., it's always worse trying to think through problems in the middle of the night, alone, it's dark, and everybody else is asleep.

Thanks for your reply.

I can't walk the dog because I struggle to get out of the house .. total lack of motivation .. I need a kick up the backside. I intend to get out every day but always find excuses .. it's raining, I hate the depressing area I live in ..

I can't sleep .. had another disagreement with dp earlier. Now I'm too stressed .. I have to be up for a tesco delivery so can't lie in.

Job wise I can't do anything anyway, I've typed all my life and now my fingers seize up and I have carpal tunnel syndrome. I can't do anything else and at the moment am totally unreliable as sometimes I can't even get out of bed or answer the phone.

You might find it uplifting to watch more videos of dogs. Are you sure you want to rehome your dog? Surely there are other solutions to come up with? (Maybe somone else will post something useful on this thread!)

Thanks I'll have a look.

Tbh its just stressful .. I'm not meant to keep pets as in rented accommodation, can't move as not working. Also the dog seems to be picking up on the tension in the air when dp is here and we argue and she (the dog) behaves strangely .. very clingy, has to be touching me all the time. I dont want to rehome her though but don't know how to cope. I feel it's not fair to her. I've only a tiny yard for her to go in so not even a garden she can run around in. To go on a nice walk I have to drive first as the area I live in is horrible.

Also I'm 51 and most of the time during the week I only sleep 3 or 4 hours. I'm scared this will seriously affect my health soon.

I find it helps to get into a habit of getting up at one of the same time every day (even on the week-end) and of course getting to bed at the same time, every day the same. I don't think you'll have to be overly worried about your health, although not being able to sleep is of course not fun.

Maybe you can think of ways to keep your dog? There's no way to move out of the terrible area, I suppose?