3 weeks old - can't cope

[MermaidMartian]

I've never felt so utterly terrible in my whole life. Everyone tells me how handsome my baby boy is, my husband and my parents are so happy, but I don't feel anything except tired and disappointed.

I had a traumatic birth, 4th degree tear, 2 surgeries, major blood loss, 4 days pinned in bed not able to anything for my baby. Since then, I feel like I've just been chasing my tail trying to keep up with everything he needs. I feel terrible asking for any help even from my husband because there was already so much time when he didn't have me. I barely feel like a mum at all.

I'm trying to breast feed, and I feel like that's all my baby sees me as. Him and his daddy have this lovely bond, and I'm just boobs and that's it.

My husband keeps asking me if I love my son but I honestly don't feel anything. I just feel like I'm working so hard and that's all that I have room for in my brain and I hate myself.

I feel like I want to be one of those people who go missing, just clear the bank account and start again in a foreign country but it would kill my husband.

I don't know what I'm asking I just want to write it down I think and admit to myself how bad it is.

I don't think.how you are feeling is unusual. I had ds by c section so had a calm birth as it was planned. Yet still all I felt like I did was feed, and as you say, chase my tail.

Your dh is the baby's parent as much as you are, sldontvsee it as helping you when he does something with the baby. It's his job as much as yours. Mine did sod all for months, and it's bloody hard work doing it on your own. In fact it's ruined our relationship.

Let dh do stuff, maybe take the baby in the evenings while you have an hour ow two to yourself. Also take advantage of family, my mum thought I w as bonkers as I'd hand the baby to her then go and do housework, I just needed a break and was finding it hard bf constantly and not being able to 'get on'

Be kind to yourself, and talk to people. You've had a really traumatic time with the birth and it's still very early days.

Oh you poor love. Is your MW visiting you still? Please chat to her about this if she is. If she isn't, then contact your HV or GP.

I think it's normal to have all the feelings you're having, but you could also have a bit of postnatal depression. Either way, don't beat yourself up about how you feel. You've been through so much physically and emotionally plus it is just a massive adjustment to going from being yourself to suddenly having no time to yourself and having to prioritise your baby's needs. You must ask for help - no one expects you to be a superwoman.

In my experience, it took a while to feel like a mum and for the bond to really develop with both my DC. But it does come.

Meanwhile, get some help, be kind to yourself and tell your DH to stop asking you if you love the baby.

Please talk to your health visitor/GP about how you are feeling. Much of what you are saying is completely normal but extra support is always good! 3 weeks for me was the height of tiredness, and things did slowly start to improve after that. The love took a lot longer to come, and in retrospect I was fairly indifferent about my baby for at least 3 months. Having spoken to other people at a similar stage I wasn't the only one who felt like that. Sleep when you can and hang on in there. It does get better.

Thank you, I'm trying to get use to letting my mum help me but I'm finding it so hard, just because I'm so not ok and I feel like I should sort out how I'm feeling before I let my baby go to someone else. But I can't feel better without help, I'm starting to get that now

You're finding it hard because it is hard. I have achieved many things in my life and overcome many challenges, but having small babies was the absolute hardest thing I have ever done. Not least because of the expectations I had about myself and motherhood. A lot of 'I should be doing this...' or 'I shouldn't need that...' ran around in my head all the time.

I promise it will get better. It will get easier. You will heal physically and feel less rubbish. And one day, in a few days or weeks or months you will realise that you love your baby. For me, that was about 4 months in with DC1.

To be honest I think some of this is normal and some isn't. The reaction you are having to a traumatic and shocking birth is normal I think, it's a huge and distressing event in your life. I had a pretty textbook birth and still felt very deeply shocked and affected by it for a few weeks afterwards. Feeling like you are a feeding machine is also pretty normal at this stage unfortunately.

Feeling that you want to run away is probably also normal but might also be indicative of PND, so i would definitely speak to your Dr or HV about it. Also speak to your husband, he sounds supportive and it's good to remember that you are not alone here, you are part of a team.

On a personal note, it took me a while to 'bond' with DS (and as I say, I had quite a standard delivery and recovery), I just didn't feel like I 'knew' him, and although i thought he was cute I wasn't sure how I was meant to feel. He is now 18 months old and the absolute joy of my life. It takes time for some people, that's all. And for your baby, you are the very centre of his world, but his world is very very small and mainly confined to your boobs just now. I will get better, i promise it will, but do try and get some support, don't suffer in silence.

Does it really take that long to feel properly bonded? That seems like an age

Sorry, no no it didn't take the 18 months to bond at all, that wasn't very clear! It was a good couple of months though and i think that can be quite normal, people don't like to talk about it because there's all this stuff about a 'rush of love' when they are born, but I know from friends that that isn't always the reality.

don't feel bad for this reaction, I think it's perfectly normal, particularly after a rough birth. and it's all such a big change. ask for help, from a Dr or MW, it will get better

I have a friend who had an unhappy birth who says it took weeks for her to 'forgive' her daughter. she's 9 now, no harm done