Background: I've suffered with depression and anxiety in the past. I was on prozac about 15 years ago and then cipralex/citalopram (can't remember) about 9 years ago. I've not needed medication since but my mood/well being fluctuates. I also get the type of anxiety where I play back conversations and worry that I came across like 'this' or I should have said 'that'. I have spent a long long time learning to act not anxious even though I am - I can come across as quite confident in the right circumstances. I do generally get stressed about things that other people are a bit more lenient about for example being on time, sticking to what has been agreed but I have also learnt to hide this as I realise I am more anal than most about stuff.
At the moment I feel like I've been hit with everything: I feel low, anxious, my confidence is down, I find making small decisions difficult. I feel like I have no perspective on what is normal behaviour, even in the most trivial of situations, I have to think and rethink every little tiny decision or conversation. I feel cross and sad all the time. I get teary eyes every day in response to music, pictures, tv. I am so quick to anger. I am able to reign it in but it's eating me up inside. Everything annoys me to disproportionate level. I feel stressed about everything - from the state of the world to making holiday plans. I should feel happy about making plans but I just feel stressed - why is that??
I am tired all the time. I have no problem falling asleep but for years I have been waking early: 4-5. I usually worry about something when I wake and eventually fall back asleep and doze until getting up time. I feel groggy all the time. I have been forcing myself to stay awake until after 10pm which has helped with the early wakings a bit but I am still tired. I eat a balanced diet - I don't have as much exercise as I probably should but I have a decent fitness level and am not concerned about that. I work almost full time in an office. It has it's issues but it's a good job.
I have a wonderful DS who is the light of my life and really easy apart from the usual faffing (6yo). DH and I are sparring a bit at the moment - really stupid stuff that stems from us both feeling stressed and taking each other the wrong way. I adore him and he is lovely but we can clash really easily over petty stuff depending on our accumulated moods. I have great friends and family - even the ILs! I really am very lucky apart from my troubled mind.
I find it hard to judge things but I can usually cope with this. At the moment though I am just continually doubting myself. I feel like I'm about to implode. I just want to feel happy with my lot - it is a good lot and I am thankful and can tell myself to be happy logically but my soul just isn't feeling it.
If you've read this far thank you. I don't mind if no one answers, I just really needed to blurt it all out, haven't spoken properly to anyone in RL as part of the symptom is that I find it really difficult to explain myself and put things in order, I just feel so jumbled up.