what a waste of life

[happyfrown]

that's what I felt like this morning, took dd to school, came home and curled up on the sofa and fell asleep crying. I woke up thinking what a waste of breathe I am, my kids are hard at work at school, other people are working themselves ragged and theres me being a fucked up mess on the sofa! I don't deserve this air I breath.

my head is whirling, I cant think straight. my plan today was to get some home improvements done, been saying it for weeks actually, but I couldn't get off to sleep last night, tossed and turned, tears rolling, thoughts buzzing. woke up like id never slept.

when I eat I have stomach cramps, probably from stress. that makes me sluggish, achy & tired. ive had a colonoscopy and the gastro-thingy? (down the throat, both ends basically!) nothing came back, but I do have low iron, high cholesterol (not over weight size 8-10) its inherited. mental health isssues. I take meds for iron and cholesterol, waiting for therapy.

ive got no drive. no determination. what example am I to my dc's?

Everybody has a bad day now and then, and you've stacked a few of yours in January. It'll get better in February or March. Anyway. Pick one or two issues and work on those. Why low cholesterol? Why low on iron? Can you do something about it yourself, except the medication?

high cholesterol problem is in the family, docs trying to work out why my body don't absorb iron. had another blood test yesterday. I eat healthy, id like to think. although some foods don't agree with me, the cramps have been more often lately.

ive been on self destruct since December, very nearly came to giving up in the last week of dec. it just seems if its not my head that sick my body don't function, yesterday I felt like I was 80! my bones cracked every time I moved , had pain in my hips, couldn't focus my mind.

I feel so bad for my dc's remembering this up bringing, can imagine them saying, mum was always sad and angry, didn't do nothing with us, always moaning...
as much as I drum into myself to get better it last a week if that, then I get tired, feel down again. goes round in circles.

Hand holding Happyfrown I've been where you are now and it's so very difficult to imagine feeling human again.

Be kind to yourself! Your children and family love you. Take baby steps and concentrate on getting some rest, some iron, meds for cholesterol. Take baby steps.

Have you also considered you could be suffering depression/sad?

I also believe that good health starts in the gut. That's also where most of our serotonin is produced. Tried increasing your good flora with some quality probiotics and probiotics.

Prebiotics*

thanks square I have borderline personality disorder, with depression / anxiety. some times I can lead an ok 'normal' life getting on with decorating, exercising, housework. but had a bad phase in the summer and never recovered from it really, been going down hill since.

im on meds for iron and cholesterol issues, docs done test nothing came back, then no follow up until i realised id not heard anything (my head is buggered!) so asked what next? as I was still struggling with stomach pains. what probiotics would you suggest? yogurt ones? id try anything that would help

Have you looked into Fibromyalgia.

You sound to have symptoms very like a friend and I know it took a long time to diagnose but is being more regcognised now.

www.fightfibromyalgia.net/fibromyalgia-is-declared-as-a-new-long-term-disability/

i can mention it, my gp is useless though. x

my head is banging, it feels fuzzy. and the cramp and grip around my waist is still clinging

i just know bed time will be the same, then all over again tomorrow... some days i get a free day of cramps but still struggle with keeping my head straight.

Have you had a coeliac screen OP?

yes, had blood tests done and colonoscopy & stomach one. took biopsy but nothing came about.

I thought about coeliac disease too. Know someone who had low iron and, as it were, it was found out she had coeliac disease without all the traditional symptoms. That person is symptom free now, but has to keep away from gluten (which is not so difficult). You might want to consider talking to your gp to cut out milk products and gluten products for a couple of weeks and see if it changes anything for you, "trial-and-error". Are you eating a lot of carbohydrates? Carb foods are e.g. sugar, bread, pasta, potatoes, cereals. Talk it over with your gp again, that could be a suggestion, maybe you could get referred to a dietist too.

I have borderline personality disorder

happyfrown

Have you been referred to mental health services?

i often have smoothies for breakfast or lunch, if i don't have turkey or chicken with salad/veg. its not often i have pasta or sandwiches. don't eat cereals but i eat porridge maybe once a week. when i go for my blood test result i'll ask about dietist.

yes been referred for years but the services here are really bad. im waiting for a therapy should be some point this month, been trying for 2yrs after a year of shite cbt didn't work and counselling.

how, do you manage your bpd? when i looked it up the first thing on the list of symptoms was a fear of abandonment and loosing people. while i haven't got any one to loose (other than my dc's but naturally id fear if anything happened to them) i don't want to see any one, i hide away in my home. i had a boyfriend but id love him one day where i didn't want him to leave then a few days later i don't want a boyfriend! didn't see him for a week then when we met up i was happy to be around him, then once again i felt he was in the way? even though i don't do any thing?!!! in the end i said run before i mess your head up!

i was sitting down looking at my phone other day and my head swooshed, that morning when i got up i nearly passed out reaching up to grab my dressing gown from the door. im prone to fainting, not so much now but when i was younger i used to faint a lot. i pretty much know when its coming and sit down with head low.
i really don't know how i function most days, i just want to feel full of life one day.

Check Vitamin D..

It really sounds like you could do with a thorough blood screening. Low iron and gastric issues suggest to me that you could be low in a number of vitamins if you have absorption issues. No wonder you are feeling so low.

I was about to suggest Vitamin D. I suffer from chronic mild depression and anxiety that flares up from time to time, Vitamin D helps with aches and pains, make sure your magnesium and vit B intake are ok too. Restrict caffeine and screen time to help with anxiety and sleep. I'll add more later, got to get kids up for school.

Break all tasks down into small steps so they don't seem insurmountable, sometimes cleaning seems impossible to me so I walk round with a carrier bag and fill it with rubbish or clutter or recycling, can't face the ironing, fold the pile, can't face the dishes, stack them neatly so that I have some clear worktop.

Do tasks when you have the energy, I recommend cooking in the morning and reheating later, more time to clear up the kitchen over the day and a calmer evening. It helps me to do housework telling myself I am cleaning as a gift to my loved ones,. Making the house nicer for them, rather than because other people would judge me for the mess.
Have something on hand to calm and distract yourself, I like audio books and over Christmas I did a 1000 piece jigsaw as something to still my mind! Sounds crazy but it worked for me. Listening to music and gentle exercise are good too.
If you are sleeping badly have a nap after lunch but set an alarm so that you don't go over about 45 mins or you will feel groggy.
The fainting sounds like low blood pressure, probably normal for you, make sure you keep hydrated and don't cut out salt.
Blowing hot and cold on being social just sounds like being introverted, I enjoy company when my mood is good but find it draining when I am low.
I have a problem with excess stomach acid, if I eat erratically, skip too many meals etc, I have ended up with gastritis, very painful. I also get a bit IBSy if I am under stress ( travel is bad) or, sadly, if I eat too much fruit and veg or pulses!
Hope some of this helps, I too have felt like a waste of space, it's horrible.
Finally, many different wise people say that helping others is a good way to make yourself feel better.
Hope this doesn't come accross as patronising

i'll wait to see what my blood test comes back with, when i get the results - depending on what its says - i'll ask about full bloods, they have done it before, ive been for scans, internal scan, rear checks blood test after blood test, i feel like a pin cushion
my iron level went down to 7, i took iron tabs that took it up to 19 but they said it needs to be a lot higher? ive always been between 8st- 8.5, but my cholesterol was 7.7?

yes feeling faint is from low blood pressure but when ever i go to the gp its always normal, typical! i cant stand in queues for long because i start feeling light headed and it sounds weird but if i look up, be it to get something out the cupboard or supermarket shelf when i look straight again my head needs a minute to catch up?!

wiggly, my moods and energy levels come and go, before Christmas school break i was down the gym 3 days a week, but week the kids broke up my mood took a deep nose dive and now i cant even face going out. i get dd to school, surface tidy the house then hide under my dressing gown on the sofa.
i often have high phases where i spend money on projects like decorating, d.i.y, or animals, before june last year i was building an aviary for my birds, going gym, obsessing on my weight and health. but this feels like the longest low.

Have you heard of Pots? Your symptoms rang a few bells, have a look at this page from the NHS about it..
POTS

purple its sounds exactly what i feel like, i did have test at the hospital of sitting and standing with them checking rates and pressure. also had ECG and heart scan with nothing abnormal. its quite deflating because i feel like im wasting their time or they think im lying.
about 5/6yrs ago when i was still complaining about the dizziness the doc at the hospital said i need to see a shrink!! which later on i did and still am. they put everything down to ANXIETY!

ive had thyroids test, been tested for Addison disease, i even said to the gp i will buy and wear my own heart rate monitor and one of those blood pressure things that automatically check through out the day to prove it.

Iron tablets can cause stomach ache, as well as constipation etc. Some people find liquid supplements such as floradix (not 100% sure of spelling) easier to tolerate, but they may not be suitable so speak to your gp.

I presume they've also checked your B12 levels? B12 deficiency can make you quite ill.

It's annoying when you are convinced it's something organic and the GP is convinced it's anxiety, of course it's perfectly possible to be anxious about feeling ill! Sorry my advice does sound a bit basic, I'll put my thinking cap on and see if I can come up with some better suggestions.

Haven't really got any advice but just wanted you to know you are not alone.i suffer from anxiety and depression and some days are worse than others.you have a physical pain too which must make things so much worse. I feel guilty because of how my kids don't have their fun mummy now and I am much more irritable and easily upset than usual.be a pest with your mental health care- unfortunately sometimes those who shout loudest get heard first.have you any friends or family you can talk to? I fully get the planning to do something and then not being able to follow it through- a lot of people think that because I'm off work I should be instantly better and have loads of time for housework and cooking and going for coffee.the truth is some days I drop the kids at school and go hide under a blanket for the day. Don't beat yourself up about what you've not.managed to do (I should take my own advuce) the way I see it is if the kids are fed and clothed and getting to school then their physical needs are being met.i do a lot of "let's just lie down on the sofa and have a cuddle".

glitter i did have b levels check cant remember how long ago, noting was said so must of been a good level, but i was taking b vitamins at the time which could have altered it.

wiggly when the doc told me its all in my head i could've took his head off! i said i don't wake up every day thinking ok i want cramps, dizzy spells and bad focus. yes he was right i needed a therapist for my other issues. it is frustrating.

sunny i have been on their case, it took 2 refusals from my gp and psychologist to be re referred back for therapy. they just discharged me back to my gp even though i clearly said my cbt hasn't made no effect and id just lost my dad so i was a complete mess. i hope you have better days too its draining.