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Cant get over late termination 20 years ago.

22 replies

mumsnetregular · 19/02/2007 17:25

this is long so please bear with me.
I have changed my name because im ashamed.
i went to live with my dad when i was 14 and he and my step mother beat me so i left home at 16, id just met my first boyfriend.
i was moved into supportive lodgings when i was 16 in able to allow me to leave home, after a year with my boyfriend, i went on the pill, and after a few m,onths, didnt get my break through bleeding as i expected, id already been feeling sick for quite a few weeks but put it down to the pill, a urine test at the gps confirmed i was pregnant, yet despite being unsure as to how pregnant i was, i was not offered a scan and merely had an internal at the doctors who announced that he thought i was about 8 weeks. my boyfriend demanded that i had a termination but i was adament that i was keeping the baby and as a result, he ended the relationship, his mother and father came to visit me and told me that there would be no support from them and that they would cross the road to avoid me if they saw me coming.
my father and step mother had been having fertility treatment which had failed and my step mothers answetr was, get rid ofg it, ir we will contact social services as soon as its born and have it taken away from you.
i was so scared i didnt know what to do, i had no one, eventually i found myself being frog marched to the local gp and telling him i wanted an abortion, i didnt, but was too frightened to argue with my father, every night before the op,m i sat and cried and cried, the doctor who examined me at the hospital merely prodded my tummy and told me i was approx 14 weeks, i was only 17, but had already been reading pregnancy books and knew that 14 weeks was a lot, i also suspected i was further on, but i wasnt scanned.
when i went into theatre, i was told, the op would take 20 mins...i was in theatre 1.5 hours, i remember coming round from the anaesthetic and a nurse saying, im so sorry, but you were so far gone,the op took longer than we thought, it didnt really sink in, i was sent home, actually i went to stay with my father and step mother where they proceeded to taunt me, saying that the baby was better off where it was then having me for a mother, i was in pain and bleeding heavily, and eventually collapsed and was rushed to hospital, i was told i had retained products and was going to be operated on again. that evening i had contraction like pains that got more severe, eventually i got off my bed and gushed blood everywhere, i rushed to the loo and as i did, passed out products onto the floor, it was not just placental matter, i dont remeber anything else before i passed out.

years later, i have beautiful children, i cut my father out of my life and i have tried to move on.
recently my daughter came home from school and said that a friend who was doing re at a different school had been asked to look at links on the net against abortion, she had forwarded one of the links to dd, dd showed it to me and to say it was distressing was putting it mildly, i was so upset i physically vomited and now im haunted by those images.
the hospital were always very cagey about what happened to me but i beleive there was a catalogue of errors, i have discovered that i was actually more than 20 weeks pregnant and that they still used the vaccum ter mination method on me, sometimes i feel like writing and demanding my notes so that i know what happened but my family say it will only make things worse, but that webnsite has brought it all back, i was responsible for butchering my baby, this wasnt an early termination, i was 5 months +, if id have known , i would have put my foot down, i would have stopped it, i just dont know if i can ever get over it
i apologise if this has upset anyone .

OP posts:
Miaou · 19/02/2007 17:30

oh you poor thing!

I think you need to seek some counselling for this. You did the only thing you could do in those circumstances and I really don't think you have any cause to feel guilt . But I really think you need to talk to someone who will understand as this is not going to "right" itself on its own.

(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))

southeastastra · 19/02/2007 17:33

the same sort of thing happened to me at 17 too. it's not something that i think you can ever really get over and i have seen those pictures too. i really don't know what else to say to you other than you're not alone.

tutu100 · 19/02/2007 17:33

i'm so sorry you had this awful experience. I don't nkow what to say other than you were young and did what you thought was best at the time. You could not be responsible for what happened to you at the hospital. Are you able to talk this over with your GP it may help you move on if you are able to look at your medical records. I hope writing this down has helped slightly.
I'm sure many here are thinking of you.

3andnomore · 19/02/2007 17:35

((((((mumsnetregular)))))
your experience is absolutely heartbreaking. I have to say, I am sitting here tears streaming down my face.
I know that this will not help you at all, but, I don't think that, at the time, you were under extreme pressure from those aorund you, it would have been probably quite impossible to stand your ground.
The treatment youreceived was appalling, and I wish I could say anything that would make your pain go away.
But for what it's worth, you really were not to blame.

3andnomore · 19/02/2007 17:37

I know that this will not help you at all, but, I don't think that, at the time, you were under extreme pressure from those aorund you, it would have been probably quite impossible to stand your ground

slightly confuddled sentence there...
I meant of course
I know that this will not help you at all, but, I think that, at the time, you were under extreme pressure from those around you, it would have been probably quite impossible to stand your ground.

Jimjams2 · 19/02/2007 17:37

I think you have to remember you were as much a victim as your baby in all this. I'd really recommend seeking counselling.

mumsnetregular · 19/02/2007 18:02

ive tortured myself for years over this and the lack of information i received was not helping, , tbh, all thats in the gp notes is that i had a termination, i was told by my father when i came out of hospital that they had telephoned him and told him that they had discovered i was much further on, the rest i guess will be in my hospital notes.
of course as soon as i was well enough after the termination, i mmediately became pregnant again, imagine my horror when i was placed under the same consultant to make matters worse, i lost that baby late in pregnancy and was convinced it was my punishment for what i did.

OP posts:
FioFio · 19/02/2007 18:06

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OttergavebirthonValentines · 19/02/2007 18:08

you poor thing please seek sme help
i would ask for hospital notes as it may not be as bad as you are imagining
sorry not to be of more help

mumsnetregular · 19/02/2007 18:20

how do i go about getting my hospital notes?
otter i was definitely quite far on in my pregnancy.

OP posts:
OttergavebirthonValentines · 19/02/2007 18:25

i am sure but reading what really did happen will stop you imagining the worst
You just ring the hospital - in ours you have to pay but maybe not all hosps are the same
I think you should do something - you will drive your self mad x

FioFio · 19/02/2007 18:26

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southeastastra · 19/02/2007 18:29

do you think counselling would benefit you?

i'd be really mad too if a school had asked pupils to look at those sites.

Greensleeves · 19/02/2007 18:40

I am so sorry to hear that you have been through something so terrible . You were very, very young and needed support and love, and instead you were ill-treated abominably. I feel genuine rage against your father and stepmother for failing you so utterly. What unpseakable pain you must have suffered.

I agree with everyone else that you must not try to cope with this on your own any more. You have been carrying this around like a heavy suitcase and I think it is time to put it down.

Counselling would be a first step. Could you talk to your GP? I'm sure there are organisations who can help and support you if you don't want to talk to your GP (I don't know them but I'm sure MN is full of people who do).

I agree with Fio that you should take things slowly and not attempt to get the notes and open up years of grief and anger until you are receiving proper support.

I don't do MN hugs very often, but you deserve a huge one (((((((((((you)))))))))

mumsnetregular · 19/02/2007 18:51

i dont know what i want, i just want the pain to go away

OP posts:
chocolatekimmy · 19/02/2007 18:55

I am sorry sorry for what you went through back then, and also during all the years since.

You were young and forced into a situation which you felt was out of control. Your father and stepmother behaved atrociously and should have been ashamed of themselves.

It sounds like medically you were treated badly too, maybe by seeing the notes you will find some sort of closure on that aspect rather than having the not knowing and guessing about things.

I am glad you have beautiful children now, but this issue still blights your life so well done for coming on here to talk about it, it is a massive step to hopefully moving forward. It sounds as though you may need some counselling and cognitive therapy may help as it focus's on the positives you have.

Good luck for the future

mrsdarcy · 19/02/2007 19:07

Life offer telephone counselling. They have a pro-life agenda but I know that they offer support to "victims of abortion". I know some people find that term objectionable but in your case that is undoubtedly what you are.

I lost a child at around the stage you were at and the physical experience was horrible - I cannot imagine how terrible this must have been for you

Greensleeves · 19/02/2007 19:11

I do think that you should be viewing this as something terrible that was done to you, not something you were responsible for. You were not much more than a child and you had no support and no-one to turn to. It makes me feel so sad thinking about it. I do hope you can get the help you need to make peace with this. xx

mumsnetregular · 19/02/2007 19:26

thank you for the telephone number, i will ring them tomorrow, the guilt has stayed with me for so long it eats me up, when i loked at that site, i imagined my own baby ending up like that and i feel sick, if only id been stronger. i remember when i was pregnant with dd and went for a 20 week scan when i saw how developed the baby was at that stage, it made what i did even harder to bear.

OP posts:
FioFio · 19/02/2007 19:30

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BuffysMum · 19/02/2007 19:30

Hugs please get the help you need to come to terms with what was forced on you by some very cruel people.

Marina · 19/02/2007 19:46

You poor thing. You were coerced into this decision instead of being supported by the adults around you. The hospital should have done much more to determine how many weeks you were too.
I am so sorry to read what you went through and would agree that maybe speaking to someone from Life might be a good starting point.
The PALS office at the hospital might be able to assist you with tracking down your notes - but you do need to prepare yourself for the prospect that they might be distressing reading given what you now know.
I can understand why you felt you wanted to change your name but you have nothing to be ashamed of. You were treated terribly
And I know what it is to deliver a 20 week stillborn baby. I am so shocked for you that this happened. XXX

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