How to fix me? therapy? something?

[littlemissangrypants]

I had a terrible childhood. The effects of it have had me spiralling for years and I feel like I am unravelling again. This time I am seriously depressed. I have hugely matted hair and have got so fat I need new clothes (size 24 at moment) as nothing fits.
I have always punished myself in one way or another since I was a child. I used to starve myself but now eating and eating has become my new protection against meeting people and being hurt again. I have this feeling off 'if I make myself ugly and horrible no one will ever get close to me again and harm me again'.
I can't stop eating. I hoard food. My mother starved me when I lived with her and she still told me how fat I was. Even while pregnant with my eldest I was only 8st at full term.
I am now no contact with my family as they have continued to abuse me since I was a child. I am still told all the abuse was my fault and I should be grateful they didn't leave me to rot in care.
The only person I trust is my partner. I don't even trust my best friend in the world. I can't let people hug me. I hide in my house as the outside is too peopley. I am so afraid of everything.
My sister has now been in contact to say she has been having treatment and has been diagnosed with complex PTSD. She has had therapy and she seems to have got herself together. No drugs, no alcohol. Just together. She told me to get help.
I don't know where to start. I don't want drugs. I am scared of therapy. I am just plain scared. I want to be fixed. I have been dealing with hiding the past in boxes and letting it make me ill for more than 20 years. How do I start to fix me?
So far I have decided to fix my hair. It's been matted for 2 years. I have got my first 8th back. That sounds horrible but it is making me feel hope. Maybe if i can fix my hair I can fix me.
So on day 2 of trying my best to fix me I am going to fix another bit of hair. I am also going to not use food to keep people away. I am going to only eat food I love and want.
I don't even know what food I like. I spent so long being starved that I have no idea where to start. Since I met my partner I have discovered that I love broccoli and kale. Before that I only ate pasta, sweetcorn, cheese, bread and pizza. So today I will have some broccoli. Maybe with rice.
All these things seem so little but I want to live again. I don't want to die and I dont want to drown anymore. Sorry this is all a ramble. I wanted to put this down somewhere. Having it in black and white to read back on feels jumbled but I feel lighter. It's not just bottled up in me anymore.

Bloody hell missangrypants. You have been through a tremendous amount. Your birth family sound toxic (to put it mildly). You owe nothing to this woman and her husband (well, maybe a good hard kick in the balls for him) Surely she would have been better leaving you in care? It sounds like you did completely the right thing going NC and should keep it that way. Did you ever report the abuse to the police?

If the card has an address on it I'd send it back In the original envelope with 'not known at this address' written on the front. I just can't believe the outright cheek of some people, why on earth would she think you want to hear from her?? I'm assuming she's still in Germany? You are safe in your house- you have complete control over who comes and goes. You sound like you have made a wonderfully supportive and caring family in a lovely community, a complete contrast to your upbringing. I know it's hard, but try and focus on the immediate now and your surroundings, you can do this

I'm so sorry LittleMissAngry!
Burning the letter or returning it saying not known at this address is the way to go.

If you can cut her out of your life, please do. She may well have caused the problems that your mum had, so has damaged you multiple times. If she is still with the man who abused you, then that goes even more.

You owe it to your sons, your DP and above all to yourself to keep her out of your life.

You have had a roller coaster of a life, and are ready to get back in track. Don't let her derail you now.

Happy Christmas Littlemiss. Sorry to hear about your setback, you can choose whether to have contact or not, you can turn away from all this.

How's your hair? Are you planning a walk to the end of the street tomorrow. Your plans for the New year sound lovely, I hope today has been better for you ........

What are you up to LittleMiss?

Hi again. Sorry for not being around. I switched off everything for christmas and had a lovely time. Christmas day in hot tub happened but am now paying for that with a stinking cold. I still think it was worth it.
My hair is also finally done. It took until after Christmas and I ddin't give up which is the thing that counts. I also went for a little walk and am planning to go again. Nothing bad happened and my other half was right with me.
I am eating more normally and have already lost my first few pounds.
I just feel more positive. I'm still making lists and trying to break everything down in to baby steps to make it easier. With the weightloss I have at least 10lb to lose so it will not all happen this year but it will happen.
My biological family have had enough of my life. It's my turn to breathe and do now. Next letter that comes will go straight in bin and I wont open it this time.
Thank you so much for your support. It will be a long journey but I will finally find out who I am. Not the scared little girl. Therapy doesn't scare me anymore. Living another decade and hiding does. I am 35 next year and being scared has stopped me from doing so many things. I wont ever give in again. I will have down days again and I will fail at times but I wont quit again.
Next year I want to be fit, find a job, go for walks, see friends and try things that scare me. I am going to plant some flowers and vegetables in the garden and if they day so be it. I am going to cook meat for my family and not cook it for hours too long as I worry I will poison them.I have been so worried about little things that I stopped doing.
Anyway thank you again and hope evryone had a lovely Christmas and has a brilliant New Year

Brilliant. I totally believe you can do this. Power to you!

Well done, so glad you had a good Christmas, 2017 is your year. Theres a book called 'Feel the fear and do it anyway' that sounds right uup your street. You are an amazing, strong person.

What a lovely and inspiring post, you are amazing! I'm looking forward to hearing more about your walks, and your gardening, and your therapy and your cooking. It will be a great year of small steps and you will travel far! I went to the park in the sunshine with the kids today, and I have lots of plans for this year.....including sorting out my horrible cluttered house which means I am presently dismantling a wardrobe so I can take it to the tip tomorrow. Need to get a move on so I'm ready to watch the new Sherlock, DS and I are big fans! I hope your cold is getting better.....

Thanks for the messages everyone. The flu thing is finally going. Today for the first time since new years eve I have managed to get out of bed. All day. I am cooking dinner today which is cauliflower cheese with Hairy Bikers cheese sauce so much less calories.
Hope your decluttering is going well Bobbinogs. I am decluttering too. Our bedroom has been emptied and a huge sack of rubbish has gone. I also got a big bag for donation too so someone else will get use out of my unused clothes.
I am finding my voice bit by bit. I have ket the clothes I love and the things I was hanging on to only to not upset the people that bought them have gone. At the moment I am looking at haircuts and colours and am trying to work out what I like. I have not done anything with my hair cut wise since the Rachel cut in the late 90s. The look I like most is a lose wavy bob and I really want to go brunette.
I have also gone back to myfitness pal and have lost the first 3lb. I am eating what I love but no longer using food as a way to keep people away. Even with being ill I am keeping positive. I have worked out that I have around 115lb to lose to be a healthy weight. It wont be easy but I will get there.
My other half has promised little rewards for every half stone I lose for motivation. He has also bought me a treadmill so I can walk indoors if the outside world is too much for me.
We are also going to the cinema this month and for a pub meal. I've not felt comfortable doing that for so long but I really want to live again. The baby steps are carrying on and my hair is still tangle free. I think if I can keep that under control then the rest of my life will follow.
Thank you again for listening and being there. It helps knowing there is a place I can be me and I wont be judged for it.

Don't you love chucking out rubbish, I find it so good for my mental health, day off work today so I'm starting on the toys.

So it sounds as if you've had a superb start to the year, despite illness. What are you thinking of seeing at the cinema? Me and DH off for a weekend away tomorrow, only our 3rd night away from kids since DS born, 10 yrs ago!

Your DP sounds like a diamond, keep on keeping on.

Yes it feels amazing getting rid of all the unloved stuff. I kept so many things that my biological family had given me and they hurt. Seeing them hurt every day. I was going to get rid of everything including photo's but my other half told me to put it in our storage unit and deal with it one day when I'm less sad and angry about everything.
He really is a lovely man. We've been together 5 years next week. Our first date was an Underworld movie and we actually got chatting over a mutual love of the movie series. So we will see this one together. The two of us in 2D as I can't watch 3D as it makes me sick. The kids will watch it in 3D so we get time alone.
I always said that I never wanted to get married as my mother was married 4 times and obviously my gran had a terrible husband too but my other half is such a wonderful guy that we are actually thinking of running off to Gretna this year.
His mother has already said that she knows I wouldn't cope with a normal wedding and to get on with it. They are such a welcoming family. We love scotland so getting married up there seems perfect. I'm not scared of getting married to him. He has been with me through thick and thin. Never lets me down. When he promises something he means it. I try my best to be a good partner to him. I want us to last.
Enjoy your weekend away Bobbinogs. Those moments without kids feel amazing when they are little.

littlemissangrypants so pleased you are continuing to make progress. What you call baby steps are actually a little army of baby steps as you are making inroads into quite a few things at once. Your DP's storage idea sounds good as at least you are not going to run into things accidentally.
Your Gretna idea sounds lovely

Little miss you are an inspiration. Keep on being you. Keep on making the changes you want to make to be you.no matter how small the changes you are doing something. Wish I could get to where you are

How's this week going? I've had a bit of a rocky start, back to work, lots to do, financial worries and insecurity with DHs job, DS having some issues at school due to strange decisions by head......I'm bobbing in to get some take it one step at a time inspiration from you, hope your small steps are continuing to add up!

This week didn't start well.I have been trying my best to eat better and have managed to lose the first 6lb. I have another 111lb to go. Yesterday everything got away from me. I still feel ill with that cough and flu thing that's going around. I am also still struggling with family trouble.
Yesterday i just felt awful. I ate close to 3000 calories in a big binge. It felt awful and is more punishment for me.
The scales are being kind at the moment and I managed to pick myself up today. My hair is still lovely and I'm looking for cuts and colours on pinterest.
Woolyback I am still a mess but I will get there. Having faith in myself is hard but I refuse to give up again. You sound like a lovely person. I hope you can get happy and well
bobbinogs Sorry you are having a bad start to week. Money worries suck especially when it also comes with worrying about keeping a job. Hope your son is going to be ok.
So my baby steps for this week will be: keeping my hair nice
having a shower every day , not binge eating when i feel bad, not looking at family messages, removing 10 bits of clutter from each room in house.

(The de-cluttering especially is helping me feel more normal. Every bit I get rid of makes me feel a bit less messed up.)

So I've done another week or two and feel like I'm getting somewhere. I have now lost 9lb and only had one binge this last week. I have also got through the anniversary of my mothers death which always brings back a lot of pain and hurt.
I am keeping my hair nice and normal and in February I am having my hair cut and dyed for the first time in many years. It's giving me sleepless nights for some reason so no idea how to get through it. The thought of going to a hairdresser is literally leaving me lying awake every night. It seems so silly but I can't seem to shake it.
On the other hand I have gone out a few times this last week. I even went shopping and bought some clothes. I managed about 4 hours out of the house and I felt ok. We are still planning to go to the cinema but again I've been avoiding it. I just hate the crowds and the noise and the people. It just doesn't feel safe. I guess those things will get easier the more I do them but for now I still dread being away from home. I will get better and I won't give up on myself and life again.

Wow you are doing so well and have so much to feel proud about. 9lbs is an amazing achievement. Tell me about the clothes you bought, how do you feel in them? I'm not keen on the hairdressers but I do hate it when I need a haircut so it's the lesser of two evils I guess. At the moment my hair is too long and out of shape, so I'm sat in the house with it tied up in one of my daughters hair bands on top of my head, looks ridiculous but I can't stand it flopping round my face! I can't afford a haircut until I'm paid next week.
So glad you're keeping on keeping on with those small steps, get through the hairdressers and you'll look back and realise now this is another thing you can do. Do you know what colour you're going for? We're all thinking about you, it'll be spring soon, a great time for getting out in the countryside with your new energy and confidence, I can't wait!