I just can't cope :(

[SarcasmMode]

I'm just so anxious and miserable.

DD1 who is 3.8 is constantly being naughty. I can handle most of it but she's kicking/hitting her little sister (10 months) and throwing hard things at her or me.

I'm petrified she's going to kill her- one hard thing thrown at her head and that's it.

I am BFing DD1 she won't take a bottle so never far away. I don't want to be near anyone.
I'm plagued with panic, pseudo hallucinations and dread. I feel so low.?

I don't want to die but I do want to be in pain maybe just to feel something other than complete misery.

No idea why I'm posting this. I'm just an idiot - everyone says how normal all this is but yet I'm not coping.

I can't even go for a shit without worrying DD1 will hurt or give DD2 something dangerous because it's funny.

I just can't bear it!

Fuck, just feel so pathetic.

Sorry you are struggling sarcasm it sounds like you have to be ' on alert' all the time. Are you getting any support?

Hello Sarcasm that must be exhausting for you.I went through this to a certain extent with DS1 when DD was a baby and it was draining as I was on my own alot of the time as XH was working away regularly.
What sort of things is she throwing at you both?

Toys, boots, anything really.

I feel so short tempered as feel on the brink of insanity.

Suffered from depression since aged 11 just want to feel something other than misery and anxious.

I honestly don't ant to fuck off far away. Seriously.

Aww lovely that's no way to live.Are you on your own with them both?You sound absolutely shot

This too will pass. Breathe. Are you getting any help with your moods and hallucinations? Is it PND or your 'normal' depression? It sounds like you need to get to a doctor or at least a HV.

DH here in evening but he does same with him.

She's broke my glasses and threw toy blocks at my head.

I don't want to be near her. She's going to seriously injure or kill DD2 if she's carrying on.

I just don't want to be near her as she just kicks off over anything.

Been referred to depression and anxiety place and upped my medication to 150 Sertraline.

I'm tired, fed up, hate myself.

I just want to leave everyone behind.

Sorry, had to go to DS's Christmas play.
Do you have any idea why your DD is behaving like this? Is she jealous or picking up on your mood? Is there any way someone else could have her for a coiple of hours in the next few days to give you a break?

Luckily she's at preschool for 3 hours each day spank which sounds pathetic really. It's just whenever she's here she's kicking off. Can't shower or go to the loo without fearing I'll hear a smash of glass or a guttural scream of DD2.

I think she's jealous I spend a lot of time with DD2 due to breastfeeding / her crawling so need to watch her like a hawk. She's started to cruise too so have to make sure she doesn't face plant.

I involve DD1 with things with DD2 and she loves it but then either she gets rough and I'll calmly ask her to stop and she'll do it more or I have to do something like feed DD2, out dinner on, loo etc.

Just feel so lost really. I love my kids but I'm just so pent up, nervous and low.

Sorry for the long whiny post.

You're not whiny at all. Two tiny children is like a marathon every single day. You'-re doing the best you can when you clearly need a bit of caring for yourself. I had mild PND with just one child and felt bloody dreadful. This tricky stage with DD1 will pass soon enough. My guess is she's jealous, 3 is the classic age for it.

Agree with spankhurst it may be classic toddler jealousy & it's a smallish age gap I had/have 20 months between DD & DS2.DD was(& still is exhausting!)a handfull.Are you both consistent with parenting?I ask this not to sound patronising at all but XH was either ranty & OTT or would just give in for an easy life or would opt for CBeebies!
As I say I'm not in any way trying to sound if I'm judging here believe me.
Does DH know how you feel Sarcasm ?

Yes we are consistent - firm but caring. I'm not sure the best way to tackle it tbh.

Morning
How is she at pre-school with the other children?Is it worth speaking to a member of staff for some coping strategies?

She's quiet but enjoys herself at preschool. But at home she's a nightmare with any adult who looks after her, just worse with me.

I'm also on empty slept 4 hours maybe last night ..: it makes the hallucinating worse tbh and gives me a headache.

How was today, Sarcasm?

If it's any help, my DS1 had violent tantrums through my pregnancy with DS2, and on occasion bit DS2. He has grown up to be a delight.

I can't offer any advice, and I know how long these years can seem. Hang in there though.

Evening! you sound so down.Is 4 hours sleep a normal thing for you?When did you have your meds upped?

Evening.

Very good actually until just before bed - she threw the base of a Lego thing (the grass bit?) at the back of my head so had a headache rest of the night.

Upped about 8 days ago, I think? No, 8 or 9 is my usual until the last couple of weeks. Then it's been 4 or 5 hours for 2-4 nights then 11 hours solid sleep the next night.

How's things going today? Yesterday sounded better from what you posted bar the blip @ bedtime.

I no longer will post about my problems here. My DM has seen it and beought it up and shown my Dad(!) not impressed.

Thanks for advice :-)

Aw I'm sorry to hear that! Do an NC and come back with tweaked details so she can't recognise you.