... have called crisis team. They just went on about looking at the things I can control, not the memories and pain from stuff that happened beyond my control. Or the fact that I can't get treatment. All I get is them saying to go to my GP if I want help, but I do go repeatedly and get referred but CMHT won't see me (and primary care IAPT have repeatedly assessed me and said I need CMHT not them). If I've just been to GP, and been referred, crisis team say "oh well wait and see what happens". If it's been a few weeks they say "better go back to GP". If I've an appointment coming up they say "see what happens then". That is it. If I point out THE GP IS REFERRING ME BUT CMHT WONT SEE ME I get tutted at and told "if you don't want to help yourself..." Occasionally I've got a good one who actually lets me talk about things but it's still ultimately hopeless without treatment. Am on benefits so can't afford private now (am trying to appeal failed PIP claim so I can pay for therapy but it's hard to get hold of professional info.)
Going through PALS atm. Very slow progress.
And the whole rigmarole with services means I have to write all that or go through all that before I can talk/write about THE ACTUAL PROBLEMS. In fact all that is generally adding to the hopelessness and the feeling that I don't belong in this world. That's not me being imminently suicidal btw, I mean that society is based on values that mean I am not welcome, I am too broken. I now have a long history of attempting to engage with services but being written of and/or dehumanised. In a way it's not personal anymore, just a sad realisation I don't belong and the help I need is inaccessible. I feel too weird, like no therapist could ever understand what I have experienced. Not because it's outrageous or unusual, but because some/a lot of the head-fuckingness happened when much younger attempting to get help from services and being deemed an attention-seeking waste of time and treated like dirt. They used to send the police round to check on me if they thought I might be dead/suicidal, knowing full well they'd never admit me to hospital (was told this) or step up services/provide services in any way. Exposure to police is frightening because you're so utterly powerless. I now feel like I've come a long way and also can sort of mentally^ understand what happened, it's not personal etc, but my body and inside me isn't feeling better because of that, it's feeling hopeless and alone.