Can't carry on like this...

[colonelgoldfish]

Back story is I didn't have a great childhood (abusive DM, absent DF). Left home at 18 and was very happy, met DH and had DD.

I found it a struggle after having DD but wouldn't say anymore than normal. When she was 1 I fell pregnant with DS and in the time I was pregnant had a very stressful time of things (bereavement, DH depressed, job losses, huge financial worries). After having DS I really struggled. Felt so down. I had a weekly visit from HV which helped a little but wouldn't say I fully felt better. It was hard to work out if I felt down because of having my son or going through such a shit year. Love both of my children more than anything, no trouble bonding with them.

Fast forward 2 years and I feel so, so low. On the surface everything is great. DH and I both have great jobs, no money worries at all now, 2 delightful DC. But I feel so empty. Gradually over about 3 months I've got worse and worse. I don't want to go out, all I want to do is sit, be alone and eat, I've put on lots of weight (now a size 22) and my body feels strained and horrible, no interest in doing anything with my family, anxious and worrying all the time, no sex drive, always on the verge of tears, relationships with my DC are getting worse as I have to really make an effort to be a good mum to them, constant arguments with DH.

I just want to get better and feel better, I really do. I can't go on like this.

I've looked into counselling but would have to go private as I don't have the kind of job you can book time off in the week for. Don't know if counsellors can do weekends? I'm questioning whether I should try antidepressants now. I'm just at rock bottom and at the moment can't see a way back out. I fear my children will be damaged from seeing my crying all the time and not wanting to be with them and that's not what I want for them. I felt so low this morning that I've even started to question whether everyone would just be better off without me.

Thank you If you've read all of this! I don't know what I'm asking for really - ideas to try to get better. I will try anything I just don't want to feel like this anymore.

you need to go see your GP asap. He/she will be very understanding and will recommend the best course of treatment from there.

Yes private therapists can do evenings and weekends. Sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time. For me I found a private therapist and started to work through things. It's all psychological with me I don't think medication would help at all as its insecurity and anxiety but not constant. The therapist can provide that secure soundboard to work through it all in a non judgmental way .

Would help me at all , that is , as I'm not depressed.

Yes I'll make a GP appt for as early as poss next week.

I suppose my biggest fear with seeking help is going on AD's and them numbing me and having lots of side effects. But I suppose the alternative is not good either.

Good to know about private counsellors, evening and weekend would be good.

I did have an initial assessment counselling session on the NHS a few months back which was useful and the lady agreed I should be referred but again my work would make NHS counselling difficult.

I am keen to try to combat my depression without medication but not sure if this is possible?

Thanks all who have taken the time to reply to me.

I also work very full time, therapy is not quick, but is very helpful.

Don't worry about side-effects of ADs, or whether you should go on them or not - GPs have a lot of experience in this field, and there are lots of different types of ADs, just go to your appointment, tell them what you've told us on here, and be guided by them. They may or may not put you on ADs, and if they do and there are side-effects, then just go back to your GP and tell them - they can then try you on different ones, or they may suggest counselling, or some other option. If they suggest counselling, they will know what's available in your specific area, and whether it's available weekend/evenings etc.