I'm finally going to tell my therapist I think I'd be better off dead.

[onedayimightforget]

I'm terrified. What if she judges me as an unfit mother? That's why I've not said it before now but now I'm desperate and I need her to know how low I actually feel.

Wish me luck.

Good luck! It's better to tell the truth and you will not be the first person to say this. Far more people both think and say this than you realise and it's no reflection on you. It's a symptom of you being unwell so telling them will help your doctors etc. help you.

She will not think you an unfit mother, she will think you are brave and glad that you are prepared to talk about it and admit how low you are feeling as that is how people are able to help you.

And by admitting this you are reaching out for help, rather than caving to the thoughts that are clearly overwhelming you, which is a courageous and difficult thing to do, so well done you, I and your therapist will be proud of you.

I have been where you are many times, I will probably be there again, there are better times ahead, no matter what you think right now, there will be days when you can see more clearly, differently, impossible as that may seem today.

I think it's a good, brave, decision, in the sense that, even though it's horrific what you are saying, it's a step in the right direction because you're not pretending, you're not masking your feelings, you're disclosing the desperation. THe therapist will have the severity of your illness spelt out and your treatment plan will need to reassessed.
I'm truly sorry you are feeling like this, but these feelings are not set in stone, this time next year you will be able to see things more clearly.

Agree with PP's it's better to get these words out despite how horrific they may sound.It's either that or they will continue as dark thoughts in your head.
It is not a sign of weakness to admit to and to express these feelings it's very brave to recognise that you need help.You're not an unfit mother you're a mum who needs medical help.
Are you taking any medication as well?
Keep posting we are here to listen.We have all had experience with this crippling illness.

I also think it's better to talk about these things, however, I just wanted to share my personal experience with counselling.

I told my counsellor I felt suicidal and she decided she should inform my doctor and involve social services because of the effect on my teen dd if I was to commit suicide - despite the fact I'd told her dd was the only thing stopping me from doing so.

It took a lot of talking to her manager to persuade her that I wasnt going to go through with it because of dd and to stop them involving others.

They do have an obligation to involve relevant professionals if they feel someone is at risk.

For years I hadn't told anyone how I felt because I was scared they would take my dd away, so to have them threaten to involve ss was terrible.

I've since not felt able to continue speaking to them as I didn't feel I'd be able to speak openly anymore. Luckily I found another organisation and a great counsellor but I think twice about what I say now.

I'm not saying you shouldn't talk to your therapist, just be aware that they have an obligation to involve who they think necessary if they think you or another is at risk.

They will assess the risk. Wishing you were dead is very different from having a plan and nothing to stop you putting it into action.

They will not think you are an unfit mother, because you're not. You're a person having a really hard time and they want to help you get through it