Is my mind always going to be like this?

[moregingerbreadplease]

NC for this.

I don't know if any of you will be able to help me.. but I'm quite glad I've found somewhere that I can write this down.
My family and partner aren't "believers" of depression and just don't understand how consuming and lonely it is.

I was told by the GP that I have anxiety and depression and given some tablets called Fluoxetine (sp?) however they just made me sick so I stopped taking them. They also made me feel like I was outside of my body if this makes sense and I had no control, which I hate.
I have felt like this before but it left, this time it is darker and I don't like it. I have thoughts about people dying and panic when people close to me go on planes, long car journeys etc, I feel like I am a disappointment and an inconvenience and that they would all be better off without me.
Sometimes I feel ok and things seem to be steady for a while but everyone around me seems to be getting on with their lives and doing great things and I feel like I am stuck in a pit and can't get out. I don't want to tell my partner or family I feel like this in case they think I am crazy. I feel crazy.

I have an implant in my arm and plan to get this out soon. I don't know if it is due to this or if it has tipped it over the edge, I don't know. Is this the problem, or am I always going to be like this?

I guess I just want someone to tell me that it gets better.

I promise it does. But you need to be very gentle with yourself.

It can and it does. I have been in that crazy dark place and I remember it well. It sounds trite, but remember: everything passes. Nobody would be better off without you. You are not crazy, you are ill. Recognise that and concentrate on becoming well.

I'm like this at the mo and don't know where to turn, haven't told my dh or other family members. Broke down in front of doc the other day as I often think of ds's dying 19, 17, 11 hate it when they have to travel without me especially on the motorway imagine a horrific accident and all sorts, house fires when they're not sleeping at home even. Doctor looked at me as if I was mad and I felt so stupid. He just said 'I think you need to talk to someone would you like some counselling' ? Nodded my head in a mist of tears, apologised and couldn't get out of there quick enough!

I have that horrible feeling of dread when I wake up, don't want to go to work and just keep crying, work is very stressful and I can't seem to retain information like stopping at cash point, photocopying, posting letters little things like people at work saying oh could you just......then I forget in less than ten mins, sometimes I get my words mixed up and say some odd things when I know what I want to say. It's very frustrating, I'm permanently exhausted!

You're not alone and I feel your pain. It's exhausting to feel like this.