I'm so alone...

[MotherBearAndBabyBear]

Hi everyone, I'm new here and desperate for advice. I'm going to be completely honest and open with you all in the hopes of bettering myself.

Long story short I've had OCD with intrusive thoughts and on-off depression (diagnosed by doctor) since I was raped at 13 years old the men that did it were never caught (I haven't seen a therapist). Because of this I have been/am very wrapped up in my own head and lost the friends I had, since then I've never made any more friends because I have serious difficulty with face to face chat.
...
I get anxious that people don't like me even if I've never met them before and I find conversation difficult and very taxing (I literally need to sit down after and breathe) , My partner told me I ramble on a lot, talk very quickly if I'm passionate about the subject and go off on irrelevant tangents that get hard to follow so people don't enjoy talking to me. Now I'm a 20 year old stay at home mum of an 11 month old and just found out I'm 6 weeks pregnant, so I really feel like my chance of connecting with other people and making life long friends is slipping away.

My family is cold and distant (I was kicked out and made homeless at 16 for kissing a boy at school and forced to get a job at McDonalds where I slept in the stock room until I got myself somewhere to rent) so the only people I have in my life is my son and my partner.
That's it.
I really love the life I have built for myself but I do feel lonely, I feel sorry for my partner because I talk his ear off, and having no friends makes me clingy because when he goes to work I feel so alone, sometimes I feel...well I know that I drive him away and that scares me so much.

I've tried making friends with my partners friends girlfriends (what a mouthful) but they all have their own lives set up with their own group of friends from childhood, school or work and it seems to be this way with everyone I meet and I cant infiltrate these little groups of friends, its almost as if they are holding a sign saying no strangers allowed...
It doesn't help that I've always been a geek and wrapped myself in fantasy games and movies like a security blanket (world of warcraft, warhammer, Dungeons and Dragons, lord of the rings etc) .
I have more in common with guys than girls so maybe I'm targeting the wrong audience?

I really need to better myself for my sons sake, I want him to make friends as he gets older and its my job to set a good example for him which I am failing at so hard right now. I need help with socialising and being a person that people are more inclined to have a conversation with. I'll change whatever I have to about myself to achieve this goal.
I want to know how to make friends and keep them and where to go to find people with similar interests (babies, pets, fantasy games/movies)...

I know this is a shot in the dark, But even help with just one of these issues would be fantastic for me.
Thanks for reading all of this, even if no one can give me advice its nice to get this off my chest for a while, I think I'll go pour myself some wine now

Do you go to any toddler groups or classes with your son? Things like NCT bumps and babies or local groups in church halls etc can be very good places to meet people but you have to put yourself out there and strike up conversations rather then letting people come to you. Any local FB groups that you can join and see if there is anything in your area?

I haven't done any of those things with him really. He's been to a couple playgroups with my partner but nothing regular. Thank you for the suggestion I'm going to go look at what's on in my local area now x

Hello mother bear
Well done for posting all of that and opening up. You sound like a resilient person who has already come trough a number of difficult situations and challenging times.
I think it often feels like groups of friends are difficult to break into - i agree! I even feel like that with 'my' friends sometimes.
I know it isn't the same situation but on the odd occasion where I feel socially comfortable/confident (at least slightly drunk more likely) and I have just acted like I'm totally in, just joining in without waiting for any invitation cues, etc I have found it's as if a veil is lifted, people seem more at ease around me and it just all seems to be easier.
I think the tension that we carry has an aura and people don't always know how to work around that.
But it isn't a reflection of whether they are interested in you or not or respect you.
It's great you are in a loving relationship and you feel happy in your home life.
I think having children can make it easier to make small talk with people, and are the perfect excuse to go to the park or kids activity groups.
As they get older and go to school you will probably find some of the parents at the school that you see regularly easier to face.
I'm sorry I don't have any magic words to take any of your suffering away but I'm sending plenty of positivity and encouragement. You sound like a great mum and a really strong woman.

Being at home with a small child can be very isolating op. You sound very strong .
I second the idea of joining baby and toddler groups. I had to really push myself to do it, i was petrified. Once there, I realised we are all on the same boat. It takes a while to get to know other mums, but just by going there, having a cuppa and a chit chat, you ll feel so much better.
I found about more groups, places to go with my toddler and got to know more people
I wouldn't worry about making friends, start with aquantancies and if you click then it's a bonus.
Also look out for children centres, your health visitor probably can help with that.
All the best op