Helping people who don't want help?

[LunaLoveg00d]

Not sure this is in the right forum, but I really think it's a mental health issue.

My niece (brother's daughter) is 20. She left school when she was 16 and has done nothing since. She is not claiming benefit, is not in college and not in any type of employment. She has no qualifications as she did not go to school to sit the exams. She spends her days in the house, watching boxsets or playing on her games console. She has no friends and no social life. She has no social skills either, when we visit - which is not often as we live a considerable distance away - she doesn't talk. You get a grunt if you're lucky. Her lifestyle is being supported by her parents.

Brother puts niece's lifestyle down to "anxiety". He says niece was upset by the death of close relatives in her early teens and had a couple of sessions of counselling, but decided that she didn't want to go, and they didn't push it. Similarly when she started school refusing, rather than explore WHY she didn't want to go to school and seeking treatment for her, they colluded with her and let her do what she wanted.

I also believe that in the past my niece has threatened suicide - has never made attempts or done anything alarming, but her parents are so terrified of her doing something to hurt herself that they just go along with whatever she says. Sister in law suggests niece should see GP to discuss issues. Niece gets upset, threatens to kill herself, sister in law and brother back off and niece goes back to her boxsets.

I am finding the whole situation very frustrating and such a waste of a young life. We have suggested that the parents go to the GP and tell him/her what is happening but you can't force someone to accept teatment if they don't want to, can you?

I'm sorry to hear about your niece. Have they tried making an appointment with the GP and getting advice or contacting the charity MIND?

Hi Luna it does sound like your niece doesn't want to help herself improve the quality of her life as a family member all you can really do is try encourage her to find perhaps a hobby or an interest which could keep her occupied and even learn new skills and encourage her to seek help like seeing a gp or try counselling again, if she is feeling low or has no one to talk to. Maybe also try talking to her parents about having a heart to heart with her. Try show your niece that you want to be supportive of her rather than trying to perhaps push her do things she may not at this time be interested in, the key is to get her to open up about the issues she is facing than she's more likely to want the help,it's all about taking one step at a time in order to go far in life

I have a daughter aged 23 who needs serious help with her anxiety/eating disorder/mental I'll-health.
She is an adult and treatment is optional, it has always been optional and she's always refused it.
So she sits in her disgusting room and mostly only communicates with rage.
Spoken to doctor who says "there is nothing I can do if she doesn't want help".
I have been watching my daughter deteriorate for years.
It has a negative impact on the people around her and obviously on herself too.

Her parents have made GP appointments in the past but every time they do, niece threatens to hurt herself so they cancel. She also refuses to leave the house. They have stopped trying and are walking on eggshells around her. My brother gets very defensive about the whole situation and doesn't want to talk about it - they have two other older sons who are getting on with their lives - jobs, college, girlfriends, cars, holidays etc. Normal early 20s stuff.

It's a very difficult situation and from a distance it's easy for us to say what should be happening, but we're not living it every day. Such a waste of potential though, and as time drags on the length of time out of the loop of "normal" life is going to make it harder and harder for her to reintegrate and build a life for herself.

Oh and meant to add this is us diagnosing niece with some sort of mental health issue - because she;s never been seen by a professional apart from a couple of sessions of counselling 7 or 8 years ago and refuses to see anyone, nobody really has any idea what is going on and what the diagnosis may be.

I see In that case there is not a lot that can be done as the person -your niece in this case- has to be the one to accept there is an under lying problem in order to be able to accept the help available though if the situation is really bad and she is threatening to harm herself than perhaps the only other opinion is to get in contact with the crisis mental health team and explain everything you've said on here as she sounds like she could have a relapse of some kind if things were to get any worse and I know your niece may not feel ready to accept help but it better to give a abit of tough love and get her the help in order to prevent things getting any worse rather than leaving it to get to a crisis point which could be detrimental to her mental health and even physical health, perhaps also delicately explain to this to your brother as I'm sure he loves his daughter and only wants the best for her, I hope this helps x

It's rubbish isn't it. I know you can't force someone to get help if they don't want it. I'm also not convinced the self-harming or suicidal threats are genuine - she has never done anything that might suggest they are. She does know though that it very much pushes her parents' buttons and that it's a guaranteed strategy to get a reaction or manipulate the situation.

All we can do is hope she realises she is throwing her life away and that she can't carry on like this for the next 60 odd years.

Do you think she might have some sort of autistic spectrum condition?

Do you get on ok with her, could you do things together?

I remember been young and not really starting a life for myself until my parents really stopped enabling me. I eventually got a job then had my children and got over the usual first anxieties of a new job and growing up.

sIL is a few years younger then me. She left school and when it came to getting a job felt the common anxiety and fear of growing up and the normal crap you first feel with a new job. Basically she never stuck around at said Job as her parents enabled her to leave and they fully supported her since.

I think if parents can feel they are helping, but they won't be around forever and truly helping is to show your child to be independent and deal with issues etc.