Tomorrow should be my wedding anniversery & I'm feeling really low

[Abitsad]

Don't know why I am feeling so terrible atm, but it has been building up for a little while now.
It should have been our 8th wedding anniversery tomorrow, but we didn't make it.
That in itself isn't such a negative thing, as I know I have done the right thing in making the decision to end my marriage, but we still share the same house & I am feeling really low.
I have been having terrible trouble getting to sleep at night, as everything goes through my head & I end up tearful.
I have been coping quite well until recently, but I am not feeling very together any more.
I don't know why I have started this thread, because I am doing all I can to help myself (counselling etc), but I just feel really churned up & low, and could do with someone to talk to.

It's not that I regret my decision, but I feel horribly low right now.

You poor thing. How does the house-sharing work? Good, bad?

Sometimes it is awful & other times it is okay. I have just had to try & get on with it, because I knew there was little I could do about the living arrangements. It's not for much longer now, but I seem to have hit rock bottom all of a sudden.

I am sorry that you feel so bad at the moment, although it was your decision to end the marriage.

The trouble is, and I still feel the same, is that with the wedding anniversary looming, you can now look back at your wonderful day together (and you can think of how you felt about your future then) and now you know that your dreams about the future can no longer be true.

I was married (actually together) for 10 years. Not divorced or legally separated yet but living completely separate lives in separat houses (not just involved solicitors yet).

My wedding anniverary is in September and last year (it would have been 15 years) I still feel nostalgic about the day and what our future should have been.

The worst time of my life after we separated was when my ex-h was still living in the house (albeit sleeping in the loft). I found it so hard (it was his choice ultimately to end the marriage, although it was my fault the marriage ended) and every night when he was still living here (it took 9 months for him to move out), I cried myself to sleep knowing that he was asleep about 10 feet away from me (on the next floor) but he was not 'close' to me. I felt so lonely (although I had 3 beautiful children in the house). I always explain loneliness is not being 'on your own', you can feel loneliness being surrounded by people but still be lonely.

It has now been 4.5 years since he moved out and life is so much better.

I still get upset (albeit not so much) on our anniversary but I now look back and celebrate the times that I had with him and that gives me strength when I think about what I have lost and that I can never have it back.

Not sure what else to say, but just wanted you to know you are not alone in this feeling.

Thing is, I would imagine it's absolutely normal to be feeling crapola at all that you are going through, and my guess is that you just need to talk about it and talk about it and talk about it...

Recently I did a search on when I first joined Mumsnet (August 2001) and my first post was something along the lines of 'Should I stay or should I go'. I was married at the time and pregnant with my 3rd child but was going through a bad patch with my husband. Although I asked the question, really I did want to say. It then transpired when my new-born was 11 weeks old, my ex-h made the decision for me and decided he could no longer be with me. My youngest is now 5 and 4 months and when I look back over my old threads and see how upset I was in what I was writing, although I still love my ex-h and would be back with him tomorrow, it also gives me insight that we could never have been happy together.

Thanks, Bumblelion.
It was my decision to end the marriage as I had got to a point where I was left with no choice & I don't regret my decision - it is 100% the right thing to do, so I don't understand why I am feeling quite so awful.
I guess him still being here isn't making it easier, as we still have to see each other tomorrow, and I guess the fact it is the very first anniversery that we haven't been a couple, are making me feel that bit lower.

I look back at my old threads & feel the same, Bumlelion!
I know I am doing the right thing & was telling this to my counsellor yesterday, but sometimes I feel really sad, frightened & lonely.

... and you quite rightly will feel sad, frightened and lonely. I was 35 and a single mother to 3 children - when we were splitting up, he said some horrible things to me (which he now regrets) but because they hurt me so much emotionally I can still recall every word he said to me. (We now get on very well and he has the children right now for me). I felt I would never be able to move on from the hurt and pain that I felt but, here I am, 5 years later, stronger and more emotionally secure. When I look back I wonder how I managed to 'survive' but I suppose, survive, you just do. My youngest DD has Sotos syndrome (she has special needs) and I think that it is her that has kept me sane (although I also have 2 older children). I was so worried, fraught with what was going on with her, although I was very upset at what was going on with me and my ex-h I did not really have time to think about it. It is only now that we have the diagnosis and know what to expect (good and bad) that I have time to think about how I could have felt so much worse than what I did.

Do you have children?

The hardest times for me are, like, right now. Children gone to their dads, I am in the house on my own. Feel very empty BUT I will be logging off soon and getting ready to go out with my friends (my one night out).

I think my hardest thing is that I didn't actually 'grieve' at the time and it is now only in 'bad' times that I let myself grieve (but then I realise we could never have been happy together anyway).

I don't know why I have dipped so badly all of a sudden. I have been coping quite well since Christmas, but now feel terribly low.
He hasn't told his mum yet & we got a card through our door from her this morning.
I just can't seem to lift myself up right now & I don't know why.

I have two boys, Bumblelion, and I worry so much about them in all this.
I feel so low atm that my patience isn't great at times & I feel I am failing to be a good enough mum too.

Abitsad, my children were 9, nearly 5 and 11 weeks when me and their dad split up.

My dad had died and my mum was going through a nervous breakdown (suffers depression) and I had to try and make out that life was great. We split New Years Eve, he changed his mind (but that was because his girlfriend did not go through with the leaving parter bit) and eventually split 13 February (funny how dates stick in your mind - day after my son's birthday and day before Valentines Day).

Everyone used to ring me (as they do) and ask "How's J", and I would say 'fine' thinking I want to cry and say that actuall he is not fine and neither am I.

It took me until April until I could tell my mum, nan and aunt (the closest in my family) and I felt such a failure because all my familty thought we were such the perfect couple (how wrong could they have been).

My biggest concern was for my eldest (she is now 14). My son was too young to be concerned really and he is fine about everything - just a typical boy taking everything in his stride. My baby was only 11 weeks so was too young to ever know me and her dad together. My eldest was 9 and it was her that was affected the most. I (a and her dad) just made sure that she knew she was loved and nothing was her fault and now she is 14 she is very 'world aware' (perhaps not a good thing) in that she knows that sometimes marriages do not work out (for whatever reason) and she does not want to grow up expecting to get married, have children and live happily ever after in a 'rose covered cottage'.

She can now see that sometimes I am still upset (but that is for what 'might/could have been') but ultimately she knows that me and her dad like/respect each other (took me a long time!).

I feel a failure too, Bumblelion. My family see me as a failure, and it's horrible. I have hurt so many people & my MIL is still to find out.

Must have been hard on you having your dad's death at the same time & then having to put on an ok front for family members.

How did your family react when they found out, Bumblelion?

Well, today is the day & I am just trying to block it out of my head.
The thing is, it's not that I regret my decision one bit, I know it is totally the right thing to do - but for some reason events like our birthdays, Christmas, New Year & now our anniversery, really seem to bring me right down.
I will hopefully be over this low in a couple of days.

I bet your friends don't think you are a failure. You made such a hard, but a good, decision. Like you say, this will pass in time.