When you try really hard and still fail...

[MeadowHay]

Feel low. I started a new job a few months ago and tonight is the Christmas party. We had to confirm attendance and if we confirm attendance and don't turn up we have to pay something towards it. I knew I shouldn't have confirmed my attendance because I KNEW I would get so anxious I wouldn't be able to go. But I foolishly confirmed my attendance and told myself I would go and have a lovely time and finally bond with my coworkers. I feel like such an idiot, I don't know why I bother. I spent so long getting ready only to have a huge anxiety attack and end up in a state and unable to go. And all my coworkers will now spend the rest of the week asking me where I was, what am I meant to tell them?

DH started his new job today and instead of being out enjoying myself or turning down the invitation and staying in to cook him dinner and things, he has ended up looking after me being in a huge state bawling my eyes out after biting his head off and now is making ME dinner. It's so unfair on him I feel so awful and horrible and he would be so much better off without me.

I feel like I try so hard to overcome my anxiety and it doesn't work so I just waste time and money on events that I never end up getting to go to anyway so I might as well just not bother in future.

ah meadowhay it's not that bad but you've got yourself in a pickle (catastrophising?)

With new jobs and Christmas parties it is a bit difficult to say no, if it's not really what you want to do. Did you want to go? I think you were actually brave in saying that you would, and trying to go. If you'd said no then you would have completely ruled out the possibility of going, or trying- how would that have made you feel? Safe in that you wouldn't have had to go, or would it set off a chain of worries about other things? You at least attempted it and managed to get ready. That is an achievement. Maybe next time you'll manage attending for a bit.

It's not really a waste of money or time as you tried, but weren't up to going today. This is just one day- if you had got norovirus or something would you be so concerned about missing it? As for your co-workers just make something up. You fainted. DH wasn't well and you weren't happy about leaving him. You had to take someone to A&E. Anything. You don't have to tell them what actually happened- it's none of their business!!

DH is looking after you.
You have a lovely and understanding man in your life. You are a fery lucky woman indeed.

As to the party... say hubby needed you after his first day at new job ... ok, ok it may just have been the other way round, but no one outside your house could bear witness to that so tell a whopping fib .. Then snuggle up with hubby..

Christmas parties can be a lot overrated anyway.

hi OP I really hate parties. I get invited to quite a lot of "functions" where it is letting side down not to attend (family stuff mostly)

Sometimes I force myself to go, but the getting ready is the part I hate most.

I really sympathise.

When I accept the invitation I always think it will be fun, and as the evening arrives I am filled with dread and cannot think of anything nicer than not going and staying in cosy house.

However, I think key is to only go to parties which you really want to go, build up a bit of immunity and then go for the more challenging ones when you have regained confidence. I think duty parties make things much much worse in the long run, certainly I like going to parties less for all the ones I've been forced to attend. Why should you go to a party you hate?

You are not an idiot. You are just a sensitive soul, who has worked hard all week and finds parties a bit overwhelming. It is not a moral failing.

Don't beat yourself up. You tried, but this time you just weren't up to it. That doesn't mean you won't ever be able to handle it...you just need to take a step back, breathe, and forgive yourself. Try again another time. You might make it out of the door. You might not. Doesn't matter unless you choose to punish yourself.

Anxiety can be such a vicious circle. It sounds like you're in that rut of knowing you might get anxious, so you become anxious about getting anxious. I know how easy it is to get stuck in that cycle, but you won't always be stuck.

Relax. You don't owe anyone explanations or apologies, and you have not failed or let anyone down.

Thanks for your kind words everyone. I know really this is just one small-ish thing but in the moment it feels so big and like it just adds to a litany of other failures.

I did want to go. I felt anxious about it right from the start but I do usually enjoy myself when I manage to go out and I like my coworkers so I thought it might be a good opportunity to bond with them. One of them I got her number before and we were messaging each other not long before so I just told her the truth and I said if anybody asked to tell them the truth too because then hopefully more people will get the message and not spend the rest of the week asking me about it. I think if anyone does I will just tell the truth though. It is an understanding workplace and my coworkers are nice (I'm a student and I work in my SU). Most of them already know that I am on the autistic spectrum too. I have to go in this evening and will see a few of them, I am anxious about it but know I just need to take a deep breath and it will be nowhere near as bad as I'm imagining in my head. Yes I do catastrophise definitely.

I think my life feels like a hurdles race with no end. And sometimes I can jump over them and other times I fall and hurt myself. And as much as I want to just stay on the floor and cry about it eventually I need to wash and dress the wound and move on because even though it's hard I wouldn't ever have any nice times either if I didn't try and push myself.

TheBadgers The anxiety circle you describe is exactly what happens to me unfortunately

But now I need to look forward and be positive I suppose. I managed to get up super early with DH this morning for his second induction day at work so I could make him breakfast (super hard for me, I always feel awful early in the morning), submitted both my essays, went to my tutorial, I am going to work later to earn money for us, my friend is coming to stay with us on Thursday for a few days and I haven't seen her since May...just have to keep plodding along and not dwell on the times it doesn't work out I guess.

Don't beat yourself up OP,hard to say but be kind to yourself and remember the way you are feeling isn't your fault.why not start out small, with the mindset to maybe going to a xmas party next year?as in why not start small (coffee with a familiar friend) then later a small gathering with someone you know to support you and build up to a night out with colleagues.

well done Meadowhay for telling them the truth. That was a hard and brave thing to do. The christmas party was just one day of the year and although there will be a lot of talk of who did what and ate what for the next few days, conversation will soon move on to something else.

When I feel like this, I try to remind myself that it is only me on focusing on me, if you see what I mean. So without sounding harsh, your absence will have been a though that passed through someone's head before they got to worrying about whether the person they fancy has noticed them or deciding which wine to drink.

I think you have handled the situation well. Try not to give yourself a hard time.

well done for telling the truth- it's great that you have an understanding employer/workmates, and bodes well for actually managing to attend the next time!

Your attitude this morning is great- keep going!

honestly, you have done brilliantly to have managed all those things - I would have found that list very hard to get through!!!!

I'm probably on the autistic spectrum and after years of finding socialising very exhausting and needing plenty of downtime to cope, have started to accept that that is just the way I am and not to fight it or criticise myself. That said, there will be always be the days when it just feels like everyone else can do "simple" things that I cannot. But you don't have to dwell on that, there are plenty of things, difficult things, that I DO manage (which others can't), and anyway, who cares, it is not a competition!

So at work this evening literally nobody once asked me where I was or even mentioned the Xmas party around me! My colleauge has obviously done a stellar job of warning everybody not to bring it up/ask me lol. It was slightly awkward because they were sort of acting like it hadn't happened BUT they were obviously trying to be as considerate to my wishes as possible and as normal as possible so I do really appreciate that, and I feel closer to that particular colleauge because that was really sweet of her as well.

I am feeling much better now. I still have stressors ongoing but trying not to ruminate and just focus on one thing at a time and being practical. Tomorrow I have a long day with things I need to do but just need to see how I get on and see what I can manage and try and enjoy myself too.

knitting I'm early twenties and was only diagnosed about 2 years ago whilst at university. It is a relief to have a diagnosis and I find it super useful for loads of reasons. Yes I know what you mean too I struggle with this. I can't use a normal peeler or a tin opener properly for example and then I feel so stupid and useless. But then DH reminds me my verbal IQ is in the 'gifted' range so it's not such a big deal that I can't peel veg easily. We all have our strengths and weaknesses and challenges I guess.