0143am 6th December 2016
So, I suffer from emetophobia.
There will be two types of folk reading this. Those who do not suffer from emetophobia and are simply interested in what it is. And those who suffer from this crippling fear. I'll try and make it as simple as possible.
In my eyes, emetophobia is the fear of being sick, feeling sick, seeing someone else sick... basically vomit, vomit and more vomit. (That's a very simple description)
I hope you're following.. so tonight I woke up very randomly, my mind was racing with all sorts of strange thoughts, I quickly developed all of the symptoms that you can relate to throwing up.. hot fuzzy skin, cold sweats, tingling body, etc. I could not understand why I had woken up. My first thought was "I'm going to be sick, why else would my body wake me up, it's the start of a bug!". Well from there on in any kind of rational thought process that I have/had were gone. The overwhelming feeling of dread, fear, and therefore the worsening and intense feelings of nausea began to kick in. Oh and just in time for the uncontrollable sobbing and rocking... This by the way is all happening next to my partner who is completely drained by this. Oh... and I've called many people in my phonebook thinking they can provide some reassurance (what a nuisance). So then comes the loss of reality.. I could not distinguish between rational feelings and the repetitive picture of my head down the toilet for the next two years... because being sick when you have emetophobia doesn't just mean the once.. no no, it means you are vomiting for at least 3 weeks with no end in sight. So this then spirals out of control into a full blown panic attack. My panic attack then takes so much energy and emotional distress that my body probably feels like I've had a horrible bug and therefore my symptoms start to reduce and I am left feeling regretful, drained, sad and lonely. It tires me out to the point that my symptoms are manageable and my body is begging me to sleep. Is that really a healthy way of life? The only way to reduce my very real, 'here and now' fear of being sick is to override it with a humiliating, emotionally torturing panic attack.
For those who are becoming familiarised with the concept of this fear of being sick, I have to say it really is a life changing illness, if untreated. Personally, I watch what I eat, where I go, who I spend time with, my career, my living conditions, my clothes, everything!
I choose to only eat bland food, this is because firstly, if I eat bland food and avoid meat, fruit, salad etc, there is less chance I will get ill through food poising or such like. I have just recently become a vegetarian after years of completely burning any meat that I would cook myself, thousands of meals that I have sent back in restaurants, wasted meals from my family/friends because I just did not trust it was cooked. If I were to ever be slightly brave and have a microwave meal the standard heating time would be around 12-15 minutes and all nutritional value had disappeared in the depths of the microwave. I also eat bland food because if I am going to throw up I want it to be bland, not colourful and definitely not something that will be hard to throw up, such as spaghetti..(Crazy right?).
And in the past I have been known to not eat anything or very little, for example my most recent diet.. 'the rich tea biscuit diet'.. they took the edge off my hunger but were so bland and harmless in my mind that I could eat them.
If someone just so much mentions that they feel sick, or even just asks for some pain relief my back is instantly up and I am doing everything I can to subtlety quiz them on how they feel and why. My paranoia rises and obsessive traits ooze out. I cannot go near someone who has been ill through fear I will catch it, and you best believe if I have come into contact with them prior to their illness I WILL be fixated that they have given it to me. And of course that's where I wait for my fate to arise.. I will sit up waiting for the moment I am right. My OCD is through the roof.
Do you know what the worst part is? Those with this fear spend most days, if not all of them, feeling sick, panicking and experiencing all of the symptoms that one would if they were to throw up. But people who do not live with this horrible fear live life without these symptoms and only deal with them when they are actually sick... Isn't that ironic?
My life is hectic, I feel manic, I feel alive, attentive, but at the same time all for the wrong reasons.
I have just started CBT and at the moment, I'm not that keen but I know I have to give it a chance.
Oh and medication?
Main side effect: Nausea and vomiting.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.
There is so much more to say but quite frankly I'm f***.