Mental illness has turned me into a horrible person towards others

[tediousandstrange]

Just needed to let this out somewhere. I've been suffering from depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember- reached the point of a suicide attempt as a teen and then just settled into a low-level fugue at best and everything in between ever since then.

My tolerance for other people is at an all-time low and I'm snappy and withdrawn all the time. I can't stand being touched by anyone, people unexpectedly bothering me, any changes at home i.e. someone coming over at short notice. It's incredibly noticeable when I'm stressed and irritated, which is a lot of the time. I can manage my own life okay but people are unbearable to me. I just want them all to stay far, far away. I know I'm behaving in a vile way but I just feel so thin-skinned right now- anything seems to take me out of my comfort zone puts me in a downward spiral: criticism, questions about what I'm going to do with my life, light-hearted jokes at my expense. Someone walking into the room when I just want to be by myself makes me want to scream. It's horrible for others as well as me.

I don't know what to do. I want to be alone but that's impossible. I just feel overloaded all of the time. I have no idea what to call it or how to cope.

I have basically regressed into being an angry teenager again

Who do you live with at the moment? Do you have a partner/children? How old are you? Do you go out to work?

Sorry for all the questions!

I would suggest you go and see a doctor, this is no way to live your life. What a waste when you could be properly living and experiencing all that goes with it.

Go seek proper medical help and don't let this continue.

OP I have been feeling much the same way lately as well as struggling with anxiety. I went and saw the doctor earlier this week as i couldnt cope anymore. I have been put on antidepressants and been referred to a counsellor.
If you haven't already go see your GP. I wrote down how I was feeling so I didn't have to remember what I wanted to say when I got there or have to actually say it all out loud.

That's ok. It sounds like you are trying very hard to solve an insurmountable problem and just need your thoughts not to be interrupted whilst you fund the answer, and people get in the way of that.

It may be that the answer cant be found internally.

Do you have any big things you can't deal with hanging around in the background? For me this was debt and some constant physical pain. i was using so much energy pretending it wasnt affecting me, that i was acting tired all the time but couldn't see it in myself.

If the problem is 'WTF am i doing with my life' or 'why cant i work out what i feel' or 'i used to love life, where has the me I liked gone?' Try some (sometimes a bit flaky!) Teal Swan videos on YouTube. .her emotion led inner self stuff is quite good..

Try an SAD light. I used an LED bike light on my eyelids for 20 mins last night and tried to think summer thoughts too. it actually worked at lifting the 'FUCK YOU WORLD attitude I was using to get me moving.

Also revel in it a bit..some of my favourite people are grumpy curmudgeons...

And 'the power of nefative thinking' series on BBC iplayer radio makes me feel normal.

If all else fails..go full teenager! grunge..FML tattoos and middle fingers up...lifes too short not to hate everything that isnt working for you...