Fed up of feeling like this,,,

[Nemo2007]

Just letting of steam so feel free to ignore me but every day is a challenge, I am on my ADs again and am just on automatic. Paranoia started to creep in again even when I am talking to someone just thinking what crap am I babbling and why are they even pretending to listen/like me. It has been 3 yrs since I felt anything like 'normal'. I just want to have some confidence and self worth like I used to. Dh still not got a job but does have an interview but it is adding to the stress as he is home and under my feet. He also knows I am not feeling very good and usually I can hide things but with him here it is hard. I just keep thinking how much better off they would all be without me. I am useless and lazy.
Went to see my nan yesterday and it breaks my heart to see her dying. She is weak and weepy as she knows she is just waiting to go. She has been reduced to a shadow of her self and there is nothing I can do about it. She asked to see grandkids which she did but then my auntie was huffing and puffing as DD1 has a cough[asthma cough rather than a viral one] and had a go for bringing a sick child to see my nan. What dd1 has is not contagious it is just to do with her breathing but auntie made me feel sh&t like I didnt care about my nan. All I keep thinking is what am I going to do without her as she is one of my only family members I actually like, I lived with her till I was 7 and when I left her house is when the abuse started.

oh nemo i didn't want you to feel ignored. (((((((hugs)))))))) it too has taken me a while to feel anywhere near normal again and you're not on your own sweetheart x

thanks fransrosesarered am just trying to get out what is going round my head iykwim.

oh nemo, I just don't know what to say. all your worries about your gran's poor condition are going to make you feel sad, there's just no way round that. I don't know if your belief system would include anyway of belief in communicating with her/her still being able to see you once she is gone, as that might be a comfort. I guess with your aunt that she's under such stress that she's not thinking straight, as I agree it wasn't right for her to complain about your bringing your DD in.

In terms of the ADs - have you been on them right since birth? can they up them? are you getting any CPN/SW support?

been on them since day C was born. CPN came out yesterday and she is crap, basically wasnt interested and wanted to hold the baby instead.

yes i do know what you mean. when i have bad days, i just think (while gritting my teeth) that i won't try sorting out anything in my head til i feel better - i just concentrate on dd and explain to her that although mommy isn't feeling very well i will still try and be here for her, and that sometimes seems to help both of us a little.

ask for another one

she is a fairly new cpn as my lovely lovely cpn left and passed me on to social worker who has now also left. So only seen this one 3 times but I just cant be bothered with her.

{{{Hugs}}} Nemo, sorry to hear things are rubbish at the moment. I think you did the right thing taking kids to see Gran at her request, it was her request after all not your Aunties. Is Auntie caring for her at the mo? if so I imagine she's feeling the strain lots too, but that doesn't excuse behaviour eh.......
Sorry to hear social are being crap too, could you let them know your not getting on with your new cpn? somehow?
You will start to feel better soon hon its just going to take that dreaded word, time, you've got a lot going on with your 3, dh and Gran at the mo.....keep talking to us, we'll try to help.

thanks frizbe my auntie is one of the people careing for her along with my mum,sister and uncles. So there are about 5 or 6 of them altogether tsaking turns over 24hrs.