Depression - the gloom that comes over you

[onedayimightforget]

Does anyone else experience this? That feeling of gloom that sweeps over you? It feels almost comforting but at the same time it's horrific and upsetting. I think the comfort is at the thought of succumbing to it, it's the thought that you could just wallow in it because it's the easy thing to do. Tears don't feel too far away and crying can make you feel better. I'm thinking of that scene in Bridget Jones where she's singing "All by Myself" and sobbing. But it's horrific because of the fight not to succumb to it. I would love nothing more than to go and curl up in my bed, cry, sleep and eat crap. But not only do I have two children to look after, I also know that if I did that I would have an even bigger battle to dig myself out of it.

The gloom is starting. It is awful. I want to cry but I don't want to be weak because the weakness can let it take hold. I want to think about all of the things I don't like about myself and all the reasons I have for feeling this low because it makes the overwhelming sadness justified. But thinking of those things takes me closer to hiding under the duvet. It's exhausting fighting it. The exhaustion makes the bed/sleep option more appealing, but my children make the fight against it necessary.

Am I destined to a life fighting this "gloom"? I've always described it before as being on the brink of major depression (I don't know if that's what it is clinically, it's just how it feels). I've always manages to fight it. What if one day I don't/can't?

I understand exactly. I really do. I try to hold it all together but fail badly. I snap and am moody on arriving home from work - dealing with people all day leaves me utterly exhausted. I am scared of what I would be capable of doing if I ever lost it. I am treading water daily constantly tired.

There will be dips - this is the pattern that my recovery followed. It is very very hard when this happens, but you have to hang on to an overall picture of the direction in which things are travelling rather than the hiccoughs along the way. Just hang on in there.

Thank you for the replies and I'm sorry to those also suffering. Suffering does actually seem like an accurate word to use. I've got my CBT appointment tomorrow and I should have read something that she gave me but I've done none of it because I feel so completely unmotivated. Both children have been ill again. I can currently hear DD2 wheezing through the monitor. I know that reading something that helps me is very important but in that moment I can't push myself to do it, especially when I'm sitting here worrying about my children.

I know that their premature births are not the reason for my depression, that was there already, but it definitely doesn't help. We're approaching my daughters birthday, which makes me very reflective, all of the triggers of the way the weather was and the things you hear and the things you see are all there. And I should hate it, but I almost relish reliving the experience that makes me feel so shit, because I wish I could go back there, I wish I could be sitting next to her incubator and experience it all differently. I want to be a new mum who gets to be with her baby. For her first 2 months we were only together for about half the time. That's crap. That's not how it should have been. I want to go back and sit by her incubator day after day, hour after hour. Never leaving her. Of course that's unrealistic. And the 14 hours a day I did was a lot considering I had to sleep, eat, shower and travel to and from the hospital. But 14 hours was 10 hours a day less than I should have spent with her. We shouldn't have been apart. She shouldn't have been born early. My body shouldn't have failed her.

Sorry for the rambling.

I've just found out my friend is pregnant and while I'm happy for her, hearing about other people's pregnancies always fills me with jealousy because of my own pregnancy history. I know that probably sounds silly but it's something I hugely struggle with and I'm trying to work on it with CBT but not making much progress. Hearing this news has made me feel absolute crap, and then I feel crap that I'm feeling this way because I think it must make me an awful person. I want to go and hide. I want to curl up in a ball and sob and cry and only come out when I feel better. How do I get past this? Or how do I get through this now? How can I get through the day without crying under the duvet.

I do know that I'm not feeling this way because of the news, it's just a trigger for how I feel anyway and it's brought a lot of my feelings of loss and inadequacy to the surface. But whatever the reason, I now feel crap.

I don't feel like I can do this anymore. I'm really struggling. I just want to curl up in a ball.

Your fears,sadness,loss,grief inadequacy is all so real but not true,not fact hun.tell urself that.its symptoms of a shitty illness,but not fact.u r good.you can be free.
There was a time before u felt so bad.the fact u ask fr help means u no its not right or fair.it is an illness,everytime its shackles u shout stop!its ill feelings,not urs,not fact.
Don't walks it to have u.put that buffer up,tell urself its not true.that u deserve to smile.