DH's MH, my pregnancy, our complicated situation...

[SnowInNovember]

I'll try to be as brief as possible, although I could spend all day writing about what's gone on these past 7 months... I've posted before about my situation (which has worsened due to DH refusing to accept we need to make changes) but had name changed due to it being possibly identifying as we live in a small community.

DH has Aspergers (diagnosed as a child), anxiety and depression. He's just started counselling and CBT but has been off work for the last 4 months due to work related stress (not due to the nature of his job but being unable to cope with his colleagues and a couple of stressful situations he found himself in, and has been unable to go back since. Think breaking down at home, panic attacks, not sleeping, only getting outside briefly to walk dog, etc. He also phones me up in tears whilst I'm at work). Does very little at home as he tends to go on the computer to 'escape' and sleeps a lot during the day. Refuses to go to bed at sensible time as he has nightmares and stays up on the computer. Not on any medication, GP keeps saying his depression is circumstantial and it wouldn't help.

I'm working full time, doing the bulk of household tasks and trying to take care of the dog, am 26 weeks pregnant and struggling with round ligament pain and pain in my back/hips (which I have mentioned to midwife). I'm giving up work at the end of December to go on maternity leave.

We have a 6 month contract for our house which expires at the end of March and we have been told we definitely can't renew it (private landlord). This is 4 weeks after my due date. Due to living in a very rural isolated location we have tried and tried so hard (I have been searching, DH doesn't/isn't able to help) to find somewhere else but so far have had no luck. DH very resistant to change, thinks here's the best place to bring up children (he's not wrong, it's a beautiful place), won't entertain the idea of moving elsewhere. I've tried telling him and spelling out that we don't have a choice, but he keeps saying something will come up and the council will house us. I feel this is very presumptuous and don't want to take this risk. At 3/4 weeks old (if the baby is even on time) I won't be in a fit state to be packing up and moving house, and as of yet can't find anywhere local to move to. A place recently came up but we were turned down despite putting in the highest offer as it didn't accept pets. We have enough saved for a deposit on a house but no one will entertain giving us a mortgage as DH is on SSP (going back to work this month on phased return so will be back to normal soon) and I'll be on maternity pay soon.

The other issue is if we move, he'll have to find a new job, which will be a mammoth task in itself (he struggles with interviews due to Aspergers and anxiety and has very basic qualifications, I have to do his application forms for him and am struggling to do everything else already, etc). I could find a job in my field of work without too much trouble which would just about support us both, but no one would take me on heavily pregnant and giving up work soon anyway.

I'm just really looking for advice on what to do (well ok, I know what we need to do), really I'm just trying to convince DH what we need to do for the sake of both my sanity/health and our baby. I spend most nights lying awake worrying about our situation and feeling angry/anxious (about the situation, about the people making DH's life a misery at work, resentful about having to do the bulk of everything when I'm so tired and in pain) because DH just brushes everything off with the notion that 'everything will be fine in the end'. Sometimes I feel like he lives in the perfect world where everything gets sorted out for him, and I'm the one who bears the brunt of the situation because I'm the one who has to worry about it and sort it for us. How do I make DH see that things won't just fall into place, and he needs to help me make an action plan NOW, before this baby comes?

It might be worth your while trying to speak with social work to get support with your husband. You can also get support for you as his carer. It's a difficult situation to be in and I understand how difficult it must be for both of you. This isn't something you should be facing alone. Social services aren't all about removing children and making life hell, they're there to help and advise people who are vulnerable. You and your husband meet this criteria.

Thanks for your replies. Sometimes it's like I know what I need to do/say and just need a push to actually do/say it. Going to have a very frank discussion with him tonight when I get back from work.

Can you find someone who can have the dog either long term or short term- just so you have a solution for both of you?
also i can't work out whether you need to be in your rural location for both of your work- ie are there places you could live which allow you to continue to work
Also re mortgage I think there are lenders who will lend based on your (normal) income even though you are on maternity leave

With regards to trespass I think Im right in saying, its not a criminal offense unless you are causing dammage therefore police won't get involved. Its a civil matter. The landlord would have to go through the courts and then get the balifs to come and evict you. If you leave before this you are considered to have voluntarily made yourself homeless. It would be worth checking this out though as I'm no expert. In my neighbours situation the land lord had sold the house, and the council still told her she had to wait for the balifs!

I would directly ask your midwife what help she can direct you to. If she is not helpfull then I would get in touch with your social services and ask for a carers assessment of your needs for support as DHs carer. Does DH have any MH team involvement. My DHs CPN went to housing office with him and got his priority for housing significantly raised due to him neing a vulnerable adult because of his mental illness which got him housed much quicker.

Are there any friends who could take the dog short term? Our council generally allows pets in properties but obviously not in temporary/b&b accommodation. Its also worth asking landlords via estate agents about the dog even if the advert states no pets. We have had landlords agree to our cats by doing this in the past.

As others have said you need to put you and baby first, even if you have to seperate short term. It might not be forever.

Unfortunately we can't find anyone to have the dog short term as he's a young large breed (DH's choice!) and can be boisterous, he's still learning... if he was older it might be a different story.

It's not just the problem of getting the bailiffs in, it's the fact that my landlord is also my boss. I work for the company who I've rented from, we do short term rentals and the like, along with holiday lets. If I start messing around saying we're not leaving, I'll likely lose my job as well.

I think I'll try again with my midwife and maybe ask her about other services. I also don't think we're getting through to the doctors about how bad things really are with DH.

What is your husband doing to solve problems -- rather than adding to them?

He won't move.
He won't/can't believe that you need to.
He won't/can't accept compromise.
He chose the dog, effectively making you un-housable.
He is not prioritizing your child. In fact, he's being a child himself.

He is not ready for family life as an adult. That's not a criticism, given he has both Asperger's and depression, but it's true.

That leaves you in an unenviable position, I'm sorry. Short-term, can your boss help you at all? Could they find you another let to take on, of suggest someone who can? If you fling yourself on their mercy, they might come up with something.

Wow thats a really difficult situation to be in from a work point of view! The other problem with letting it get to ballifs is it will distroy chances of a reference for private letting. So if possible finding a private rental suitable for you and baby is looking like your best option with DH having the option to come too potentially if he decides to and you still want him to.

Who does DH have involved? Is it just GP?

Could you ask the estate agent to speak with new landlord. Put extra clause in contract that when you move out you will have floor professionally cleaned? More frequent house checks and pay a slightly larger deposit? This worked for us every time X

He is not ready for family life as an adult. That's not a criticism, given he has both Asperger's and depression, but it's true.

This absolutely

You need to prioritise your baby
Looking after your baby trumps looking after/ managing/ supporting your husband
In this case their needs are in opposition
Your priority is to arrange suitable housing for yourself and your baby
Hopefully your DH will come to his senses and stop opposing this and move with you
If he doesn't you will need to move without him
Regardless of what your ILs say

What are your options for moving yourself and baby?
Start planning for this, tell your DH, I hope he comes around

Please do this
Imagine if you go overdue, have a c section, you will be in no state to move or to live in a B&B

We lost one private let recently because they didn't take dogs. If I'd gone for it on my own, I would've got it. As we're a small community, they pretty much said it was ours then double checked if we still had our dog, as they couldn't allow pets.

There will be more private lets come up (probably minus pets) over the winter, I think. I am going to have to bite the bullet and tell DH I need to move. I won't be in much of a fit state ready to pop, or after the baby, so leaving it all til last minute isn't an option (DH keeps saying to wait until after Christmas to sort things as we have 'plenty of time').

I wrote to the housing officer again and asked what exactly we should be doing, so that I could give DH a written list of what we would need to do and what we should expect from them as he wouldn't take my word for it. I showed it to DH last night, only his words were along the lines of 'he's harassing us' and 'he can't actually do that, it's not legal, he has to do something' etc. I can't do much more than that, if he won't take the housing officer's word for it he's not going to take anyone's. The housing officer has been quite unpleasant to us in the past and I think DH is letting that get in the way of him giving us the facts written down... he thinks we're being bullied.

I'll try and push the new landlords in the meantime to take all of us, but if they won't then I'll have to go myself. I'd already offered them a larger deposit and an extra £100 a month to the landlords we just missed the recent private rental on, hence we pretty much shot to the top and they would have let to us.

I had a baby with a man who wasn't emotionally or cognitively equipped to be a responsible adult. (I didn't realise this at the time of course, perhaps you didn't either)
We limped on for 4 years off and on after ds was born but gave up in the end. You should really throw in the towel as early as possible to save lots of stress and heartache. Co parenting with a man who can't be a proper partner is soul destroying.

Not quite sure I agree with that, Poldark (because I'm glad DH didn't give up on me - but he was the one keeping his job and thus our heads above water while i floundered at the reality of small children).

There are plenty of Aspie parents on this site, and Snow's DH may yet mature into a decent grown-up and involved parent. But this is frankly a crisis in which, Snow, you've got to put baby-plus-self first.

Let his parents worry about him and his dog. You can't do it all.

My ex isn't aspie but he has traits. He is fairly classic adult ADHD. He has never been diagnosed and never would be because he won't seek help. He wasn't parented in a way to help him deal with his cognitive differences and as far as I'm concerned he's a lost cause (in terms of change. He can parent in a limited way with lots of support).
Being aspie or ADHD or anything else HF doesn't preclude being a good parent. Failing to acknowledge the impact on your relationships and parenting, and failing to seek support can do.

TBH I wouldn't want a young boisterous undertrained large breed dog around my newborn in any case. I don't think you would be able to trust DH to supervise them properly and the stress of having to ensure they are kept completely separate at all times will quite possibly tip you over the edge.

I think you will have to be married but live separately and just have DH visit daily. Your DH is preventing you from being in a safe space with your child. He could solve this by rehoming the dog, but he isn't. He can't argue that the dog isn't an issue, he has clear evidence that it is.

Your choices:
You move to a larger place where there may be housing stock that allows the dog, but DH will have to get a new job (could he become the principal child carer? That's another option).

You stay in your local area but move in with PIL, rehoming the dog (I would avoid this if they enable him).

You stay in the local area together without the dog.

You get the next available private rent alone without the dog. He then gets to decide over time if he wants to rejoin you, which means giving up the dog, or stay with the dog and hope the council homes him.

Moving to separate accommodation doesn't have to mean the end of your relationship. That bit is up to you.

BTW many aspies find rabbits are good company, comforting in sensory terms, and a bit more manageable....

A local landlady has contacted us as she's just had her tenant move out and is renovating her property, has said we may be able to move in before baby is born... she knows us quite well and loves our dog, so this is looking good. I won't hold out for it though, if I'm offered something before then I'll take it, and if we're lucky enough to move into this place afterwards then I'll move again.

Not worried about the situation with dog plus baby, he's not untrained, just gets a bit excitable when out for a walk but getting better. DH got him because he's a breed known for being docile (St Bernard) and he's great with the young children we look after for our neighbour (we'd never, ever leave him unsupervised with children and certainly won't with the baby either).

I'm not willing to give up on DH, I love him to bits and it's taken me this long to get help for him (7 years we've been together) so won't give up now he's just starting to sort his problems out. I will do what is necessary to put our child first though, and if it means temporarily living apart then so be it.

That's great. I hope the new place works out (wouldn't let her go too far in renovating it, given there will be a baby and slobbery dog in there...).

I'm always torn on these threads, as I deeply hope for DS to find a good relationship in later life, while knowing that right now, he'd be just too immature and problematic to be a decent partner.

Hope you can balance things and still keep your child's needs uppermost. All the best.

Thank you all for talking sense to me/support/general great advice. I do often feel the need to get support from external sources as DPILs are great but blinded by love for DH and definitely enablers, and living with a depressed partner is mentally (and physically when you're literally doing all the work) exhausting in itself, let alone when pregnant. Fingers crossed this one works out!

That sounds promising about the house. If its not in a terrible state as PP said would it be worth discussing if its needs renivating to meet your needs if it allows an earlier move. Also could you get s tenancy agreement before any renovations so you know you have security. If you explain to her that you need this I can't see her being opposed as shurely she would like to have a let secured too.