Do I need anti-depressants or is there another way?

[amihuman]

Hi! So, in a nutshell, a single(ish) Mum to ds6. His dad is not my dp but a very very good dad. Since he was born though I have struggled mood wise and have gained a large amount of weight. I was in an unpleasant (slightly abusive?) relationship for the first two years of my ds life and as a result of that I have no desire for another relationship.
So: I am functional, my ds is well cared for and has a nice life, my house is clean and I do my full time job well. I have a hobby I enjoy and am involved in a local church.

But:
If I have any free time all I want to do is curl up in bed or sit on the sofa shovelling junk in my mouth.
If I try to diet I feel bereft, like my best friend and only pleasure has been taken away.
I cry randomly for little or no reason.
I get extremely anxious about social events and usually cancel on the basis that I "can't find a babysitter"
I often have to fake my relationship with my son and feel a bit panicky at the thought of a whole day just me and him with no distractions and
I'm just, well, really down most of the time and have a constant knot in my stomach.

Docs have prescribed anti depressants in the past but I've stopped taking them as I don't consider myself "bad enough"
I think maybe I'm just fat and lazy and need a kick up the bum rather than tablets.
What do you think?

I don't think you are lazy or need a kick up the bum. Anti depressants may help but I think CBT could be useful here. Mindfulness can help too. Speak to your GP?

Thanks! A few years ago I spoke to a gp who recommended yoga and meditation. usually though they either just give me tablets or lecture me about my weight, but they're very overworked so can't spend ages analysing each patient. Will try again with the gp see if they'll refer for cbt.

I've found antidepressants very useful in the past and based on my experiences I'd recommend taking them before it gets too bad!

Other things that can help are exercise as it releases your bodys natural antidepressants, and medditation. Theres a great app called headspace. Theres also some really good self help books out their, e.g. feel the fear and do it anyway, love is letting go of fear, dare to connect.

• mindfulness

• meditation a couple of times a day. Just 5 minutes.

• cbt books from Amazon

• Exercise early every day. Force yourself to make it a habit.

• b vitamins. 5HTP.

Of course the side effect of exercise is getting stronger and having more energy... However, it is unlikely to cause you to loose weight unless you go overboard and make like an olympic qualifying routeen.

You most certainly are not lazy! You're working really hard to make a good life for you, your son, your partner. No mean feat!
I'm biased in that antidepressants made a big difference to me: they got me to the stage that I was able to exercise and to care about myself and to be a healthier weight and to practice self care. It's entirely up to you of course, and meds are not for everyone. Just my experience.

Also, why must you meet criteria you consider 'bad enough'? Surely better to do something now rather than than get to the burnout point where you are incapable of anything?

Good point smartleatherbag, haven't looked at it that way. I suppose I do think that I need to be in a total state before I "deserve" medication.

OP, that feeling of not 'deserving' is, ime, a classic signal of depression.

From experience, I've found that anti d's are the thing that gave me the mental peace and space to be able to make changes that helped alongside the medication. Sometimes you need something to 'kick start' some changes, and medication can do this.
It doesn't sound like laziness etc, it sounds like you've had a tough few years which have left their scars, but you're now ready to move onwards and upwards. Anti d's plus CBT or counselling or whatever you like, sounds like the way forwards!
I found a counsellor through church, does yours offer stuff like that?

No it's only a tiny church. I did have a private counsellor for a while which helped but then became too expensive. I think I may be able to get something through the gp.

notgiraffe is right about feeling undeserving being a symptom of depression. It's not true, but feels true just now. It's important to accept that this unworthy feeling is only a feeling, it's not the truth. You have a faith, which can be amazingly helpful. If you believe in God, then know He loves you and wants you to have a happy life. He does not want you to suffer.

I've struggled with depression for years -I usually spot the signs make a few changes and pull myself out of the downward spiral.
Not this time - I kept trying but I couldn't do it.
Now on ADs but I think if I had gone to the GP a year -even 9 months - before I would be in a much better place than I am now.
I agree with others -ADs can get you well enough to (successfully) make the other changes you need to make to feel better. I am taking fairy steps now.
Get to the GP - ask about counselling. Probably will be a wait so start ADs.
Try all the things mentioned - exercise, fresh air etc. Try and be thankful for the positives in life. Even silly little things. (My car is getting on a bit but is reliable - has never let me down - I realised the other day as I was going somewhere -I never have to worry about it and really appreciated it - and that lifted my spirits)

I have to say my weight is continuing to pile on on ADs . I get cross with myself for shovelling food in to make me feel better. I feel sick and I don't stop. I hate myself for it. It is binge eating - have contemplated making myself sick but stop myself -that really is a slippery slope. On the ADs I eat to stop me jaw clenching - also if I feel nauseas I tend to eat because it seems to stop me feeling sick

I think people go two ways - either lose appetite all together or overeat...
When I was suicidal (years ago) I did the same - eating constantly.
But then I don't think I am more overweight than I would be if I hadn't started ADs...
You can tackle your weight when you've tackled everything else.

Most counsellors offer at least a few slots at a really reduced rate for people on low incomes - might be worth investigating that if counselling helped before.

Thanks for all the help and good ideas everybody, I really appreciate it.
Cracking up, I wish there was an antidepressant that made you lose loads of weight...., they would be popular!