Depression again?

[HamletsSister]

I was diagnosed as depressed about 18 months ago and was put on 50mg of Sertraline which made a difference. I was going through some rough times with work and the cancer and subsequent death of my mother, plus my age (47) meant it might have been hormonal. I got HRT at the same time and all was well.

After a year, I decided to try to come off them, hoping that the HRT was the real cure. Mum died in March (huge relief - alcoholic - and lots of issues with siblings coming to an end) so I carried on until May and then came off them.

About 2 weeks ago I felt it was back.

I feel sick, but emotional sick, not actual sick. A bit like grief but almost an actual pain. I went away to board at 11 and was miserable. It feels like that.

I am not coping well with stress at work. Fairly typical stress as a teacher - work not handed in, management etc. I found myself ranting a bit today at a class (not my style).

I also had a down with DH over nothing the other day, really nothing. I was being deliberately argumentative. He called me on it and I went nuts, shrieking and slamming a door. Not my style either.

DH is away, so I watched TV with DD and a couple of teen romcoms had me in floods of tears. I am still crying now and can't seem to stop.

I am mostly OK in front of other people but am struggling now as I am on my own. Work helps, or if I can distract myself.

Last time, I felt a constant overwhelming need to be outside. I live way north so that is not easy in winter but I usually walk for 30 minutes on any day I can. This helps but can't be relied on because of the weather. I now feel the need for fresh air again, constantly. Weird. I am not at all an outdoor type.

What can I do? Do I need to go back on drugs or is there another solution? Should I up the HRT which is a gel so can be increased?

Can function so far OK at work and am away with a group of pupils next week so can't do much before then.

Thoughts, lovely vipers?

So sorry you feel this way again.
I suggest you make an appointment to see the same GP who diagnosed you last time; can you do that on Monday, so it's ready for when you come back?
Antidepressants can be a real blessing at times like these, perhaps it's right to go back on a low dose for a while longer.

It sounds like you could do with going to see your GP again. It may be that tablets would help again. It might be useful to ask about councelling too I see ADs as a sticking plaster whilst I deal with the underlying issues in councelling/therapy. If those issues arn't delt with then they will likely keep coming back to bite you. My DM has had years of therapy to deal with being sent to bording school, and thats without the other issues with alcohol.

Back to GP. You may not need medication. I found CBT helpful.
As a band aid how about finding a way to relieve stress. Exercise is a huge help.

In addition to what others have said, a couple of (rambling) thoughts. Maybe you are having some sort of delayed grief reaction to your mother's death? These things are very complicated, and counselling may help with that. Are you possibly having some sort of delayed reaction to some of the other issues (you mention siblings)? You know the teacher thing, where teachers are often ill in the holidays, as if you subconsciously hold illness etc off until a safer/more convenient time? The outside thing: apparently most people in this country do not get enough vitamin D from sunlight, particularly in Scotland. This is relevant to depression, and I take a supplement for this reason. Vit D3 is the best one apparently. Feel free to ignore if you already know this.

Thanks all.

Have just ordered industrial quantities of Vitamin D and will see GP. Will try to exercise more but it will have to be indoor, or a class. Might try exercise DVD.

CBT is not available here - I live in a remote bit of Scotland and there is nothing. Unless there are online, telephone options.

Tried mindfulness but that just seemed to be sitting and thinking. I have the greatest success with reading as a way of distracting myself.

Grief is an odd one. My Mum was an alcoholic, very unkind but also very sweet. I hadn't seen her for 3 years when she was diagnosed with cancer. She was vile to me and I wanted to keep the kids away. Plus, she lived 800 miles away (or something - other end of U.K.), chain smoked, had a vicious dog etc.

So, I visited several times during her final months. I missed her death - sisters were there but we were on holiday overseas and she declined fairly rapidly and suddenly (pneumonia). My sisters all have their issues and can be tough to deal with. Mostly, I try to keep away from them and out of it - distance helps - but dealing with her estate has been fraught. Even a fairly mild statement that I didn't want anything from her flat - they could split it between them - seemed to cause trouble. The flat is about to be sold, so hopefully that will bring an end to things. One sister is also an alcoholic, another really hates me and is constantly vile. The 3rd is lovely but has just had a baby so can't cope with much at the moment.

There are loads of things. But, I am slightly wary of opening Pandora's box and wonder if trying to keep a stiff upper lip isn't more my style. Or is that a bad thing? Don't know.

I did CBT over the phone. Maybe worth an ask.

Not personally a big fan of stiff upper lip... IMHO it just creates a pressure cooker situation, that eventually goes off anyhoo. There sounds like a lot of 'unfinished business' in the situation you describe. ? . I know that's the not the best way of putting it, so sorry about that, but maybe you would benefit from some kind of grief counselling? Have you got Bereavement Care or the Scottish equivalent? Sometimes I think when you 'unpack' stuff in your head, it feels worse, then it starts to feel better iuswim. If you decided to go down this route, might be worth thinking about trying to time it with a school break, ideally, give you the hols to start to feel better? FWIW, when my Dad died I needed to do some grieving for the dad I never had. He was difficult, a bit of a bully, and once he was dead that was the last chance to ever have a better relationship finished. I did the counselling thing, which I found helpful.

Am still struggling and found myself having stress based nightmares. Theatre trip with school, pupils late, no one listening, shouting. I wake up, heart pounding and the subsequent feelings of failure and not coping, even in a dream, are staying with me all day.

I am only OK, temporarily, when really busy. But, busy makes me tired. So, lots of rest. But inaction makes me weepy and feel terrible.

Sister suggests back to the Dr? Good idea, O'R try to manage it? I have about 2 weeks of vitamins, including D under my belt. I ordered a SAD lamp today too, in case that will help.