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Mental health

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Original poster

Had enough

20 replies

bobalinga · 11/02/2007 17:56

3 years ago my life was ok and normal. I was pregnant with number 4 and 3 years ago to this day was expecting a healthy baby girl. My other kids were excited, DH had a new job. Things seemed rosy. On 9 March 2004 my baby was born brain damaged and close to death. She survived but has been left with severe cerebral palsy and is blind. She also spent the first year having fits and spent 36 weeks n hospital.
I feel like its been 3 years of hell. I love her dearly but right now life just doesn't seem worth living anymore. I am exhausted. I am fed up of being 'mum of disabled child' fed up of her wheelchair, fed up of appointments and therapists and social services crappy respite. Fed up feeling trapped.
Then 4 weeks ago my 14 ran away, citing that life here was hell, that I was a not-fun mum cos i was always tired and snappy.
I can't take anymore and feel like running away. I must be such an awful mother that she left and awful for even thinking of leaving my boys but they'd all be better off without me. DH and I barely talk cos of the day to day strain of the 3 yo. All life is is going through the motions. I can't stand another 50 years of this. There's no point, no joy. no nothing anymore. My heart is broken by my 14 yo and I just want to leave.
Thanks for listening. Least I've said it now.

OP posts:

NbgsYellowFeathers · 11/02/2007 18:02

Awww boba
I can't begin to imagine how hard things are for you right now. I bet alot of the special needs parents will understand alot of your feelings though.

Someone will be along soon with some great help and advice for you.

{{{{hugs}}}}

kittywaitsfornumber6 · 11/02/2007 18:04

oh Bobalinga, poor, poor you. I cannot offer any practical advice at all, but it sounds to me that you have done so so well to hold things together this far. I really hope something gives for you and soon, big, big {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}

Chandra · 11/02/2007 18:04

Ouch, I'm sorry you are feeling like this, I guess we all get to a moment when we see running out as the only option left, but wait! once things have calmed down you will have renewed energies to deal with it.

My child has some needs around which my existence goes, but I wouldn't like to say more because I know is not the same. I think that if you post this same thread under the Special Needs topic you may get more thorough responses from people who know what you are going through.

HUGS

DizzyBint · 11/02/2007 18:08

bobalinga what sort of help and support are you getting with your 3 year old? i'm sure there will be mums on the SN board who will be able to point you in the direction of some support.

Mhamai · 11/02/2007 18:12

Oh bobalinga, my heart breaks for you I'm in Ireland so am not aware of what supports are available for you but it sounds as if you are not getting the help you need. You know for what it's worth, I can relate to the hardship of looking after a loved one but what's more important is sometimes just having someone to talk to. I now it's probably small comfort but you and indeed Muminfife have really helped me today, just by someone reaching out to me, to at least if nothing else say they feel for me. I can't offer any practical help but and I really mean this cat me if you want.

Original poster

bobalinga · 11/02/2007 20:40

I didn't post on the sn board as they all seemed like superwomen! I feel like a whiny child today :-(

OP posts:

margo1974 · 11/02/2007 20:47

You're one of those superwomen too, you know.

You have 4 kids - I moan about the hardship of having two!

14 year olds run away - I ran away regularly (only to the end of the road, mind) and stopped once no-one would come after me.

I am so sorry that you feel that life can't go on, and youy have no-where to turn, I can't offer any practical advice, only a virtual hug.

Take care xxx

Original poster

bobalinga · 11/02/2007 20:49

Thanks Mhamai. I think it does help when people respond even if we can't aLL get together.
I know I will keep going minute by minute because there is no choice but it doesn't feel likea life anymore.

OP posts:

bubblepop · 11/02/2007 20:58

hiya don't realy know what to say but im sending you a big hug, {{{{{{{hug}}}}}}

mumtogusnalbie · 11/02/2007 21:00

how awful for you - its no surprise that you are feeling down. Do you have any close friends that help you out? Where in the country are you - I am sure that mumsnetters would be willing to help out in any way they can

Mhamai · 11/02/2007 22:46

Hi again bobalinga, I have done a cat to you, hope you don't mind. I agree that you should check out the SN board, there will be lots of support advice ect for you there I'm sure. If you don't want to mail me I'll understand but will you come back here to let me know how you are. Thinking of you and sending you warm thoughts and and thanks again for your considerate and kind post on my thread earlier, it really helped me.

twoisplenty · 11/02/2007 22:59

Today is the first day on Mumsnet, and I was feeling down about my ds with CP, he is nearly 8 years old. I have a 3yr dd. I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone with the pressure of sn. I also hate equipment, physiotherapists and all the professionals telling me what to do, it's impossible to do everything and keep it all together. I agree that the threads on the special needs bit do not show how people are falling to pieces occasionally, but believe me we are! Those of us with children with sn need loads of support, some emotional, some practical, and also time off, but we don't get much. Please keep talking here and hopefully you will begin to pick up the pieces. My life is difficult in other ways (depressed dh, we're barely talking, dd with eczema and allergies, ds with epilepsy and cp) but I understand that its all too much sometimes. I'm telling you a little of my story so you know that you are not alone in all of this.

Original poster

bobalinga · 12/02/2007 08:21

Twoisplenty - How is the epilepsy with your son? To me, its a much bigger fear than the CP. DD had Infantile spasms as a baby and the medical lit is alll doom and gloom. Since then she's been on 2 drugs and had a few partials and a few statuses. But it keeps me up night after night worrying which makes me tired and depressed even more! And it makes the future seem horribly gloomy.
Mhamai - whats a CAT?

Feel dull and tired this morning. Didn't sleep much (we all have flu) but just went over scenario anfetr scenario of 'what if my daughter never comes back'. What if I think I see her in the street and its not her? I sometimes wonder what life would have been like if C had died at birth like the docs all said she would and then I feel bad for blaming this on C.

OP posts:

twoisplenty · 12/02/2007 09:19

Ds had fits at birth but when he came home from the hospital he seemed ok. He had his firts seizure at 4.5yrs when his sister was born! But hindsight tells me he has always had undiagnosed epilepsy, he was always jumpy. He was on carbamazepine but recently had been diagnosed as having 2 types of epilepsy - partial seizures and now myoclonic so we are swapping medicines for valproate. Its going ok but the worry of having a seizure never goes away. Last month he did a big jump (myoclonic seizure) and fell off his chair at the table and ended up upside down with his legs wrapped around the table leg, stuck hanging upside down! You have to laugh or you'd cry really. Hate giving him the medicines but they do work. I used to put a baby monitor in his room at night so I would know if seizure was starting in the night - that way i slept ok. I don't need to do that now as he is fine at night.

I do think its normal to wonder what life would have been like if the child died at birth - my ds cp was due to negligence at the hospital, had they delivered him at least 2 hours early then he would have been absolutely fine. That makes me feel cheated and so angry. I picture him being "normal" in my mind and its so upsetting. Its a waste of time thinking "what if" but when I see a boy of similar age to mine it shocks me the difference.

Having said all the doom and gloom, my ds is older than your daughter and things do brighten up considerably once the child starts school - the staff take so much pressure off, because they do my ds exercises and they care for him brilliantly. He's happy to go to school and I feel relieved that he's secure and happy. Is your dd in nursery?

I have to say I am really shocked about your 14 yo running away - I thought it was a one-off and she was back home. I feel for you so much.

strongteabag · 12/02/2007 09:38

Wow bobalinga, you are amazing. I don't have anything helpful to say, but I would feel like running away too. I have felt like running away when I only had 2 children!

You really do need support and friendships. Can you sit down with your DH and tell him how you feel- though guess he already knows and finds life hard too sometimes. Do you get a day off ever? Even a few hours to escape. I really wish I could be more help.

sunnysideup · 12/02/2007 10:32

boba, I'm so sorry to hear how hard things are and I absolutely admire you for coping with everything that you do. I just wondered what sort of break you get from caring for your DD? Is respite care an option? I do agree with twoisplenty that it has to be easier when children are school age and are cared for elsewhere for part of the day....you definitely need a break from caring for your dd so that you can simply have a rest from the worries, be you, spend time with your DH and your other children. Would social services help with respite for you?

Mhamai · 12/02/2007 11:37

Hi bobalinga, sorry to hear you have flu in the house today, things are not much better here, ds 6 has a chest infection and I was awake half the night wheezing (I'm asthmatic) So I'm heading to to the doctor's shortly. CAT is contact another talker, it's the envelope on the right of the thread, it means MN will pass on my email addy for you. Have to go now but will check in later to see how your doing.

Original poster

bobalinga · 12/02/2007 14:14

Ah, I see. I'm not subscribed though. I am on Yahoo messenger and AOL IM as 'Bobalinga' though.

OP posts:

onlyjoking9329 · 12/02/2007 14:27

you really should talk to the SN mums,, theymight seem like super mums but also have their share of getting throu the days, i know i do, beside which i think you sound like a super mum, just finding thing difficult which is totally understandable really. life got much easier for me when my three kids(autism) went to school.

winterpimms · 14/02/2007 13:08

Have been following your thread on Teenagers, and you certainly seem like a supermum to me

Hope today is a better day for you xx

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