Not depressed per say but incredibly sad and pi**ed off!

[Mhamai]

Ok more than anything, just want to vent as I feel incredibly alone at the moment. Four weeks ago my dd's father committed suicide, some of you will be aware of this and I'm very grateful for the lovely kind messages I recieved. My dad has had Alzheimers for the last four years, he also has an enlarged heart and emphasema, he was hospitalised twice last year and was admitted again on Thursday night again, he is badly dehydrated but more than anything although he has home help as well as myself and my sister caring for him, it's looking very likely that he will have to go into a nursing home as he Alzheimers has rappidly progressed recently.

All of this is bad enough but it's my own lack of support that has me really angry, ok so one of my friends is off to Peru next week, and another has moved house and the other is just not bothering to contact me. I'm just so fed up that people that are supposed to be your friends can just so casually not even bother to txt you let alone a phone call. My daughter suggested that I txt one of them to break the ice, she's my son's godmother and didn't even bother to ring or txt to wish him a happy birthday (it was his birthday last week)

When she did txt back today she said "Oh sorry for not being in touch but I've been busy moving stuff" (her kids are grown) knows dad is in hospital since Thursday and said "Oh heard your dad's threating to leave hospital, hope he doesent decide to get on a bus and go home, and btw, did you get your new suite yet? WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm sorry I know theres a smidgen of self pity going on here but I'm so fucking lonely and sad right now. I'm in counselling but even my counsellor has gone off for a holiday and won't be back till next week, she has left me a colleauges no but I just feel like I'm so alone right now.

I'm trying to be strong for my daughter but feel so bloody sad and angry right now.

Thanks Muminfife, my dd is due in from work soon so I probably will go up and soak in the bath, it doesen't help that ds 6 was running very high temp last night (He's just come down with a chest infection) and so I've not managed to leave the house today. I've been or at least have been told by everyone how strong I am, just don't feel it today. I wish someone would just put their arms around me and let me sob my heart out.

I'm sorry you feel so alone. Freinds can be crap often. When my DD was born brain damaged 3 years ago half my friends buggered off cos 'they didn't know what to say'. Now my 14 yo has run away the other half have cleared off.
I feel alone too and angry and fed up and wanting to scream!
How old is your DD? How is she coping with this?
I think self-pity is entirely appropriate, you're dealing with something most of us neverhave to face. Do you have anyone you can call to vent too? Maybe call your friends and tell them how you feel. They might be trying to be jolly cos they don't know what to say and how to handle this.
If they are useless then their not real friends and you've not lost anything but one might turn out to be what you need.
Sorry I am crap too :-(

Your not crap at all bobalinga! I'm so sorry you have been having it rough. Your situation sounds awful, do you know where your 14 yr old is? sorry I don't want to upset you further, you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to.

Hi Muminfife, I just wanted to thank you again and indeed bobalinga for your kind posts. It looks like dad will be coming home in a few days though to be honest, we really disagree with this but generally the professor we spoke with today, said that it will be just a case sadly of countless readmissions to hospital, whenever he become dehydrated, when we said we were worried that he might cause a fire (he lives alone) the professor calmly informed us that this was rare but if in the event of it happening, he would likely feel no pain as the fumes would probably kill him first! Anyway despite this horrible ongoing sitution or as the professor called it today, a driven by events process! I took your advice and went for a lovely walk yesterday with my ds 6. I think it's with the combination of my dd's fathers' death and well the grieving process with my dad because that's what it is, the long goodbye, my life has been taken over to an extent by death and grief, anyway sorry for the long ramble but as I don't seem to have any reponses from anyone else apart from yourself and bobalinga, I just wanted to thank you both again.

x
Mhamai

Ps, and not meaning to nit pick and no I didn't expect to be inundated with replies, I'm not that self absorbed thank God! but was generally bemused that a poster considering leaving Mn because she didn't get many responses could then have a thread with ninety responses. Oh the Irony, try being a member for two years and only getting two replies from posters youve never chatted with before. Two replies that meant the world btw. Am seriously considering a bon voyage myself tbh.

oh dear... can i be honest and say that i never look at the 'feelign depressed' threads cos they bum me out? selfish, i know, but i think i am more selfish the older i get. today, for example, i forgot to text a friend good luck for her induction so have sent an email which she can't possibly get for a while.

i like mn's layout, but one thing i would say is that if you could see the name of the OP rather than the last poster i think that i'd pick up on threads like this in 'active convos'. this place is about relationships for me, and i'd be more likely to come and see you, Mhamai, cos we've spoken before and i like you.

anyway, i'm sorry that your pals are being a bit shit, but to be fair if you're moving house it is a bit all-encompassing. but feeling unsupported by your firends is rubbish, and also it's circular, because the less they support you then the more you need support.

how is your dd doing now about her dad? did you manage to get her onto a course?

Thanks Aitch, just even to have a voice of reason means a lot, I suppose being cut off by friends and then not having many respones on the thread just confounded the paranoida [sp?] ha and I'm training to be a counsellor! I could get the all encompassing bit but tbh Aitch, she moved out of her marital home to a room in a house and has moved back to the marital home, so not a huge move iyswim but I get your drift, and tbh I to an extent, would avoid the depressed threads myself which is totally selfish because apart from my own wo4es and God knows theres enough of them at the mo, but training to be a counsellor is pretty full on, ie, college, seeing clients, supervision not to mention my own therapy is really full throttle, anywho I can feel myself starting to ramble but I just hope, people that see it just pass it off as a bit of a pity party. As regards said friend, I sent her a txt saying how lonely I was and she came for coffee yesterday, sometimes I'm very good at pretending "I'm fine" As regards dd, I have sent off forms for counselling so am waiting to hear back. God sorry Aithc, your turning into my after hrs agony aunt

Don't ask how the 4 got into woes! blimmin half the keys on the board are wonky!

Aitch not Aithc! Think it's time for peeps! Thanks Aitch

isn't that funny, that you plucked up the courage to say you were lonely in a text and then said you were fine face to face? why do we do these things to ourselves? if you don't ask you don't get, and that goes doubly when it's support that you need cos selfish people like me sometimes try to close our ears...

and you know what, if i could only take my own sodding advice sometimes i'd probably be a lot better off. night night, mhamai, sleep well.

How's it going today Mhamai? Meant to respond yesreday but have now got infectious arthritis from the chest infection I had. Basically, the infection is in all my joints and I hurt like hell. Grumpy with it too. the doc says 'you let yourself get run down'. Well poo on him, Mister 120 grand a year!
I hope things go as well as can be when your dad comes home. Alzheimers is such a bastard thing

only just seen this mhamai.

sorry you are having such an awful time

can you call the Samaritans, or CRUSE, for a really good sob? esp if RL friends not really there....?

Hi Mhamai, I remember you from one of the counselling threads (different name). So sorry you are feeling crap, you definitely have a lot on your plate at the moment.

One of dp's relatives has Alzheimers and is being moved into a home so she can get more support and constant care, so it seems odd that they would just send your father home. Caring for elderly relatives is hard anyway, and a disease like this just increases the problems.

So sorry about dd's father. How is she coping with it?

Don't have anything constructive to suggest, I'm afraid, but didn't want to ignore you.

Hey bobalinga, sorry to hear your still sick, same here, my asthma has cleared up a good bit but I'm coughing like a ninety year old, also have a bit of a head today, thanks to my indulgence of vino but to hell, I'm not sorry I did, I wasn't wasted or anything but just sat watching back to back episodes of the soprano's on dvd, nothing like a bit of murder, violence and extortion to cheer one up! Yesterday was probably just one of those days where my sensitivity chip was on overdrive but I'm glad I let vent to it, rather than my usual bottle grin and bear it, anywho enough of me, have you ventured over to special needs? I'm always here for a chat you know that but I really think you would benefit from the support on those threads. Gonna sound like a complete computer twonk but I don't know about yahoo or Aol, I've never been in to the likes of MSN, so I might get on to MN hq and ask them agian to pass on my e mail to you. Will be going out in a bit but will catch you at some stage. Hope your feeling a bit better soon.

Hey Lulu,
Thanks, feel like a bit of a nob now as today is a lot better, I wrote a beautiful poem (even if I say so myself) for my daughter and it was very cathartic [sp?] Also wrote a piece about dad, it's stuff like that, that I need to start doing again. I'm going back to my writing group tomorrow, we have a book coming out in the Summer! Anywhoo thanks for posting.

Hey Sideways, Oh crap I feel like a big nelly now moaning when no one responds and wanting to dart when someone does It's really bonkers with dad, I mean he's not eating properly and is starting to get aggresive, won't wash himself, won't let anyone to help and I could go on and on. Once he has his fags and cups of tea he's content, but sadly he had bad constipation and diarrehoea [sp?] and was soiling himself and not cleaning. We have just basically been told because he still has awareness however limited, we will just have to persevere, until as they put it something big happens. DD is working hard to keep her as she puts it "takes her mind off it" I'm just waiting for suicide counselling people to get back with an appt.
All in all believe it or not it could be worse, I have my good days and bad, it's just a few of the bad ones have come together recently. I've been given leave from college essays but as I was already behind I'm panicking a bit on that front, how I'm not grabbing for the ads is beyond me. Sorry I've rambled on a fair bit but thanks for your reply.

let us know when the book comes out, must be wonderul to have such a talentx