How do people manage?

[moonstone1201]

I realise there's probably no easy solution to my problems, I just want to vent, and see if anyone has similar experiences.

I just feel so stressed. I work 4 days a week, have a 6 month old baby who's teething and has taken to irregular sleeping patterns. My average day involves getting up at 6am to feed him, putting him back to bed while I get ready for work and pack both of our bags for the day. I drop him off at nursery, then go to work to start at 9.30. I take a half hour lunch at finish at 4pm, then run for the train, run to the gym, swim for 30 mins, and run to the nursery. Get home, try and squeeze in feeding and bath before ds falls asleep. Also quickly tidy the house and make dinner. DP gets home at 7pm (having left at 7am) He sometimes manages to see his son for half an hour before bedtime. We usually fall into bed about 10pm, and each have to get up several times a night to see to ds. Although I never have a spare second, I could totally cope, as long as I could have a bit more sleep at the weekend. I have always thrived on stress, but ds has only started being difficult recently. From 2-5 months, he was an absolute dream, sleeping all night and I wasn't working, so I got to spend loads of time with him and still had a spotless house. One of the main problems is money - we're about £300 short every month, and that's for non-optional expenses. We had savings, so we're not in debt yet. The only real solution is to work more, however, I feel like I could fall over as it is! We've taken a mortgage payment holiday, so we're ok for the short term, but we've also got a wedding to pay for. Between my travel and childcare, I'm spending more than I earn, but if I didn't work, I wouldn't get tax credits. I've always been a very calm positive person, even when ds was first born. I'm now finding myself crying if I spill rice on the floor, and just wanting to smash things up. I never take it out on people, only on things!

To top this off (sorry this is so long!) sex has become a bit of an issue. Dp and I are as close as we've ever been, and are very loving and supportive to each other during this difficult time. However, I just keep getting flashbacks to my 40-hour-constantly-being-interfered-with-ultimately-forceps-delivery-and-many-many-stitches labour. Although I got over the trauma pretty quickly, I just can't bear to be touched like that any more.

Again, apologies for the rant. It was as much about me writing everything down as getting some replies!

sorry got no useful advice but hope someone more helpful will be along.

oh moonstone it's no wonder you are feeling so low. You must be absolutley whacked. It tired me out just reading about your life.

The things that immediately spring to mind are changing work patterns, jobs even. But I'm sure you've looked at that and it's probably not an option?

You do seem well organised. Despite being knackered you're fitting in swimming. That's probably good for your sanity so you ought not to give that up. Could you ease up on things like housework and cooking at the weekend so you can get your extra rest then.

Really make an effort to make your weekends the time to recharge your batteries. Even if it means letting other less important things slip. If you manage to get some good rest you can cope with the other things. Can you get family to do childcare at the weekends so you can totally switch off, if only for a couple of hours.

I wouldn't even worry about the sex thing at the moment. You and dh are still loving you say which is whats important. Just make sure he knows this is a temporary situation and that it's not him but the situation that's killing the passion at the mo.

If it's any consolation, this is probably just a phase that will pass and you will come out the other end thinking 'Phew, glad that's over'. Your little one will grow and sleep better, you'll feel more in control and work situations may change to ease the money problems.

Life is about these ups and downs and remember that what doesn't kill you will make you stronger.

If you think you need more help, why not visit your Doc, to see what he/she thinks. But remember you have a loving dh, a little one and you are coping really well despite your difficulties. Things will get better I'm sure.

You have alot on your plate at the moment Moonstone. I've been almost exactly where you are now about 6 years ago.
My suggestions would be:

1. Give your DS some Medised or Dozol to see if it will help with the teething sleep disruption.
2. Go to your GP & get some counselling for PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) with regard to your grim delivery. It is really, really helpful.
3. Would you consider a childminder rather than a nursery to bring down your childcare costs?
4. Have you & your DP sit down and go through your household expenditure together? Have you looked at all your suppliers to ensure you are getting the best deals?
5. Catch up on some sleep at the weekends. Buy some earplugs & close the bedroom door & sleep in the afternoons or mornings. This should be a real priority for you. Do not allow anyone to talk you out of this. You are very, very tired.

How is that for starters?

(((((((((moonstone)))))))))
firstly on your Birth Trauma issue, is it possible you have Post traumatic stress disorder? YOu mention flashbacks, and that is one of the common signs?
Have a look at the following links, there is help out there}
Birth Trauma Assocication website
Birthstars website
Sheila Kitzingers Birth Crisis website
difficult Birth debriefing Board on Babycentre
On the sexual issue, I think it is quite normal for a woman to go off sex for a while after having a Baby and especially after a Birth trauma...be kind to yourself and give yourself all the time you need.

As for the other issues....you say between travel and chjildcare you spend more then you earn, I assume by tax credits you mean working tax credits or what they are called...but you only need those because you are working, to cover childcare.
You still get the family taxcredits though.
Would you hate leaving your job?
If not, maybe you could find a lil job more locally, maybe someting you cna do once your dh is home...working in a supermarket, etc...!
Or you could become self employed, having a lil E-bay business, or somehting like that?
Sorry this is probably no help at all!
Really hope you feel better soon!

i was exhausted just reading your post!nworkng really hard just to stay out of debt is stressful too.

i would seriusly consider giving the job up or possibly a 3 day week.
i went from working full time to part time and didnt notice too much difference (i got extra tax credits due to less income) and i had the time to cook proper meals rather than takeaways and eating out. My food bills went from £100 per week to £75! and we eat healthier too

i dont regret changing my hours one bit, im less stressed and enjoy my kids more which is the most important thing.

Hi Moonstone, I can't really comment on a lot of your OP as I do not work. But I do know that you would still get tax credits if you were to give up.
I gave up work just over 2 years ago now before having ds and have just had dd 13 weeks ago - so I haven't worked in this time .... my dh gets the working family tax credit and I get the family tax credit, so you should still get something Of course if you really enjoy work, that is a different matter but just thought I would let you know that you would get some sort of credits

If you give that tax credit helpline a ring you can find out how much you'd get if you didn't work. When I did this I found that whether I worked or not made no difference to what we get. I then figured that I would mostly be working to pay for childcare and have pretty much decided not to go back. I think if you like being at home you can def spend less money than when at work as less travel expenses, more time to cook, hunt out bargains etc. Try and work out a workable budget with your hubby as you don't want to use up all your savings if you can help it. Check out some of the budgetting books, eg Martin Lewis moneysaving expert from LK today and Radio 2 has written some good books, he also has an ace website with loads of ideas.

The best way I have found to get a good nights sleep with my DS at the mo (he's 8 months and seems to be suffering from seperation anxiety) is to co-sleep. I know lots of people don't agree with it but as long as you follow the safety advice we've never had a problem. We put him in with us when we are too tired to keep going to him, then when we have more energy he sleeps in the cot and we go to him to resettle.

Hope things improve for you

Thank you all so much. I will definitely investigate my options regarding tax credits/giving up work. I don't particularly enjoy my job, and I have applied for uni this year so it would be nice to have some time off before that.

Since my original post, I've had a bit of a rest, been out for lunch, and ds is rolling on his mat beside me giggling. I have applied for a couple of local jobs, one of which I think I have a good chance at, so it's not all bleak.

It's been just lovely reading all the replies.

Sounds all very promising moonstone...glad you are feeling a bit better and hope that you can get life sorted out, so, that you all can be happy.