I don't know where to turn...

[Aimeeleighb]

I'm at a point where I feel totally isolated.
Almost 6 years ago my child was removed from my care due to a domestic violence situation. He was placed with paternal family under a special guardianship order, the family stopped me seeing him, blamed me for his injuries caused by my ex. I have been to court and got contact, 6x a year unsupervised for 4 hours. After only seeing my son for 3 supervised visits in two years I saw him Saturday. We had a great day but he didn't want to go when his grandad came for him. I felt like he was being taken from me all over again.
My partner thinks what I'm feeling is grief. I feel guilty being happy with my partner and our young son. I enjoy time with my step kids and then hate myself for it afterwards. Sleep and appetite are either non existent or overwhelming. I want more children, I want to marry my partner and continue living my life but I feel like I shouldn't want these things at all without my eldest son living with us. The court ruled that as an impossibility based on him having lived with paternal family so long, so how am I supposed to move on now? I'm reluctant to visit the gp as when they have prescribed anti depressants before I actually felt worse and overdosed as a result. I can't seem to find anybody that could possibly understand so feel very alone and helpless.
I don't know what I'm expecting by reaching out. Thank you for reading

Bump, please tell me I'm not alone? I'm at a loss, everything I do seems pointless because it nothing will bring my son home x

Didn't want to read & run.

There are some amazing mumsnetters on here that can prob help.

OP I'm so sorry that you are feeling like this. It sounds like a very stressful situation, one that anyone would struggle with.

I wonder whether you would get more responses on another board? Could you ask the mods what they think?

I hope so, thank you

I think you need to look at these 4 visits as a turning point. Ideal no. But for the sake of your son you have to let yourself be happy in your new life. You can build a brilliant family setting and life for yourself. Eventually your son will be old enough to decide for himself where to live. I know it must be awful to live without him but you have the rest of his life going forward and you need to hold onto that. The courts will take into consideration your son's wishes from a certain age and if you can show you have a stable, safe loving home and life for your son it can really work in your favour. Although at one point it was decided he stay where he was settled, eventually they will consider your son's decision. Try stay strong, look at the bigger picture long term rather then the next few months or years which might not be ideal.

The guilt is over whelming. I have cleared my name, improved myself and my life, yet it wasn't enough. I worry I can't possibly be enough for the rest of my family if I'm being told I'm not enough for my eldest. I pray he will one day choose to come home but waiting for that day has consumed me, Ive been neglecting everything else fighting for him. Now that I don't have court to focus on I don't know whats keeping me going.
What are my options other than anti depressants? I don't want to lose my family but I want to disappear. Please and thank you x

This sounds like such a hard thing to deal with, would it be worth discussing councelling with your GP. Also there are lots of different antidepressants so you could discuss what happened last time and see if there is a better alternative. I found the first time I had depression as I started to feel better I went from wanting to die but not having the motivation to do anything about it, to starting to feel suicidal if that makes sense. If your GP is aware then they can monitor you closely if you do decide to try them again.

OP always remember this moment is temporary. You have your son's entire future and adulthood to share with him. If he has a family you can be there for him, be part of it all. I agree I think counselling may help you. It's a difficult situation for you but these visits you have are building blocks to something better. Of course you are enough for the rest of your family and your son. It sounds to me your son was placed with relatives whiles investigations etc took place, then it was sadly decided it's best he stays where he's settled. That's not based on your worth. Please speak to your doctor, he can refer you for counselling and therapy to move forward. It sounds like you are traumatised by the entire experience and who wouldn't be. But right now one step at a time, the first been the doctors