Husband with BPD

[hermione2016]

I am separating from my husband of 15years and he will be moving out this week.

His behaviour has been erratic for at least 4 years.Often very kind and then if he has strong emotions he will react negatively.I have felt like I am walking on eggshells and assumed he was abusive.

As background he had a dreadfully abusive childhood and went for counselling 4 years, initially to deal with his passive aggressive behaviour.At first he was able to talk about his childhood, and shared details which were shocking.I knew he had been hit but assumed that it was similar to my upbringing, smacked but generally loved.He sadly experienced an out of control mum who seemed incapable of loving her children and took pleasure in abusing them.None of his siblings have much contact with her.Just an email once or twice a year.

After counselling his anger surfaced and he overreacted to any slight. I'm not sure if the counsellor was skilled in such complex abuse as there didn't appear to be healing just anger.Eventually I've had to walk away.

However since separating I have been able to disengage and "observe rather than absorb" and I can see that he seems totally overwhelmed by emotions that most people would be able to handle.

Google highlights BPD and he seems to meet so much of the criteria.I found a quote which talks about being aggressively thin skinned and that sums him up.

Husband would be highly reluctant to acknowledge a BPD label as he's high functioning in the workplace. Strict HR practices make it comfortable and safe.Safe is the word he uses alot but I have struggled to identify with it although reading about BPD makes it clearer.

Does anyone have experiences of a close family member with BPD? Even if we remain apart I think getting him help would be beneficial but I fear he would be reluctant to take input from me.

If you have BPD what caused you to seek help and have you found any certain therapy works best,?

I am a manic depressive.
Your description of walking on eggshells rings a bell. My mother used to be quite nasty when I was a teen, first finding an excuse to to tell me off, gradually getting more and more wound up until she was screaming abuse at me.

For whatever reason I had a full on me tal breakdown and ended up as a man in a dressing gown for three months some 10 years ago. There followed a period of councelling and tratment.

That seemed to have a calming effect of a sort. At least I began to understand myself and reaslise that I was actually very difficult to live with. I now have a supply of meds, (Valproaic acid semi sodium) to keep my behaviour under management. I don't take them all the time as they take the shine off life but I have a deal with DP that if she says I need to take meds.... I will take them... or she will leave.

As to work, I am now a housewife... In my very late 50's I don't know what work I could find. I used to work in the public sector but found it very corrosive and full of bullies. .. never want to go back there.

I do understand, I will never be like other people because I'm a bear, (its a line from Paddington, bit I thought it sums me up very well). Does thqt help?

Thanks Bear (lovely reference too),

H's mum was and still is horrendously bullying, even to her now adult children.When I first started to hear about her I assumed it was unhappiness, stress, PMS etc..essentially the usual triggers that can make us angry.However I once said something that inflamed her and in a second she was off the sofa and about to hit me.When you witness the volatility it hard to explain to others outside.

H seems to have coped less well since he started a new job which whilst he enjoys does need him to be quite different than who he is naturally.He has to be more extrovert.

I can also see my reactions (driven by my fears), threatening and then ending the marriage have fed into his vulnerability/hostility.

It is however so hard to live with the volatilty which can change daily. My needs tend to have to be secondary which I'm not sure is sustainable long term.I also have to watch what I say and how I say it.

I just wonder how partners support and cope if their spouse has BPD.