Depression - a boulder you just can't lift

[GeordieBadgers]

I feel a burden to the world, that no one wants me. That I'm truly alone.

Existing is hard work. Breathing is hard work. My chest feels heavy and painful, like molten lava is washing over my rib-cage. I feel as though someone has been kicking me in the chest.

I feel trapped under a huge boulder. And no matter how hard I try, I cannot lift it off. It's crushing me physically and mentally.

I will fall asleep tonight. But the thought of waking up tomorrow, and finding the boulder on top of me and still not being able to move it, that thought is scary, is hopeless.

The feeling of isolation, of aloneness, is terrifying. I can't reach out from under this boulder and grab someone's hand, anyone's hand.

Depression is aloneness.

I'm so sorry you feel this way.
I have recently been diagnosed with depression and can relate to an extent with what you say.
I feel more numb and grey than weighed down.

Are you seeking any support/ help with how you are feeling?

I've been there, its a horrible place to be, but all things pass, it will get better. Have you discussed this with your GP, are you on any treatment?

Like Ancious career... I have worn the T shirt.

I remember one bright sunny day thinking, my wife loves me. I have a good job, aNice home ... yet I can't smile. I tried and tried yet I knew I couldn't smile. My vision of the world was one of everything imploding inwards...

Yet I am still alive and now I am able to smile. The road may be long, but it it only takes one step at a time. Sometimes you feel you take three steps sideways for every step forward... but every step is a step. I know this because I have waled that road.

You have reached out from underneath the boulder and hands are here to help you.

I have two ways I describe my depression

The first is that I am running in a circle screaming - there is an invisible wall which keeps me inside the circle and when I stop running I don't feel any better so I have to run screaming again

The second one is that I am walking and it starts to rain on me. I can see a place where it isn't raining so I walk to that spot but the rain moves with me so I keep getting wet.

I understand..for me it's like someone has thrown a blanket over me and it's dark and I can't get out...meds turn me in to a zombie,so I manage without...well I attempt to manage without😧..I think it's about learning to live with the beast,and some days will be better than others.and mainly you are not alone,it's not like a broken arm,you can't see depression,but plenty of people,me included are trying to cope with it as best we can x