Does this sound like I need to go back on ADs?

[BotBotticelli]

I had pretty severe anxiety and PND after my first son was born almost 4 years ago. It took me ages to admit I had a serious problem and needed to take ADs.

I was referredfke CBT counselling when DS1was 4mo but I didn't really get better and then finally went on 20mg Citalopram when he was just over a year old and within about 3 months felt immensely better, back to my old self.

Got pregnant again when ds1 turned 2, and last summer I had a second baby boy who is now 15mo.

I didn't get PND second time around (very different experience: bottle fed from birth and a very different baby: very chilled and laid back/happy/content - the absolute opposite of colicky-screamer DS1).

Anyway I now have 3.11yo ds1 and 15mo ds2. They both go to nursery 4 days a week and I work in a pretty stressful job (NHS management role).

Over the last couple of months I have gradually been feeling more and more negative about my life - I feel like I hate being a mum, I can't stand looking after my children, I find them such hard work and feel like a total fucking failure at it. They are both totally hyper and full-on and whenever we go anywhere like a library/cafe/shop it's like taking 2 wild monkeys out. The baby is just a baby but he is starting to copy the older one's silliness now and I just cannot be arsed with it anymore.

This weekend I just kept thinking I would love to run away and leave them for my DH to raise cos he is so much more calm and patient with them then me.

I burst into tears in front of the boys most days and just can't carry on like this any more.

I don't know if I actually have depression again, or if my life is just relentless and shit??

Seeing it all written down here does it sound like I ought to go see the GP and ask for ADs again?

I just can't make head nor tail of how I feel anymore ☹️️

I think you've answered your own question, lovely. Yes, it's bloody hard work but you shouldn't be feeling this down about things. Hope you're in a better place soon

Aw OP, I could have written your post, right down to the NHS management role! First DC v bad and obvious PND, second one a totally different baby and no obvious signs from the start. But it crept back up on me, although manifest in a different way. I went back onto citalopram and it really helped. Am just weaning myself off now but fully prepared to increase again if necessary. I think you should visit your GP for a chat.

Hi, sorry you are feeling so bad. It does sound like seeing the GP and ADs again for a while might help you get through this tough time. I've been on them a few times when I've needed to. Hope you find things easier soon.

Hi,

It is incredibly hard raising kids.

Especially once you get past the 'baby phase' and into what feels like the 'forever phase'.

The reality is that you are in the most difficult phase now and raising kids at this age (especially boys imho) gets on top of many, many people.

Counselling and / or medication will help. But remember you will find it easier when they're 7&5 (and older) you just will.

I wish you all the best and hope you take it easy on yourself.

You are doing a great job.

Fatigue and depression both look and feel very similar. If you are having a full on time with sleepless nights and constant physical effort you are likely to be knackered. And from that feel depressed. And it is autumn whigh the shortening days.

The difference between depression and fatigue is that the negative feelings and other symptoms leave once you you start to get some respite. Probably a good idea to talk to GP and see if you can get something to help you through the next few months.

Thank you all. I am actually getting a fair amount of sleep because ds2 is a pretty decent sleeper - he is cutting his molars at the moment so maybe every other night we need to pop in to him at 4am and give him a cuddle and some calpol but other than that he sleeps through.

So the nights are ok. It's just the days are so bloody exhausting/frustrating/wearing. And I know I only look after them 3 days per week and they go to nursery the other 4, but that's bad enough.

They are wild!

Baby started walking just before 10mo 😱 And since then house is constantly trashed. And he and the 3yo just chase each other round the house screeching all the time until the baby falls flat on his face and cracks his head 😫 Baby too young yet to play with toys longer than 1 minute really and the older one is an extremely boisterous boy (always has been). Can't get him to sit still and do any drawing or quiet activities (other than telly) - it's always got to be hareing about everywhere roaring like a dinosaur at the top of his lungs (and pushing the baby over, see above).

This sounds like an awful thing to say but I think I could be a semi decent parent if I had a different sort of children? Quiet calm ones that liked drawing and crafting and Orchard Toys board games...?? But instead I have somehow ended up spending the whole day trying to shout over their racket and it's like herding wild baboons trying to get them to do anything.

My friends with calm sane little children (mostly but not all are girls coincidentally) don't understand why I find it all so hard but if anyone spent half an hour in our house I am sure they would be yelling too 😫

What are you feeding the children on?
Without trying to sound like the health police, There is a wealth of evidence that certain foods, expecially those with high levels of colouring and fats can affect behaviour.

It may be that changing their diet could be the answer... although Iyou may need to anticipate a few tantrums when they decide they want what they were eating?

Generally speaking they don't really eat foods full of colouring and fat - I think they eat a typical diet? - few treats here or there but nothing outrageous.

I did give DS1 - dreaded fruit shoot when out and about a couple of times when he was younger (2.5 ish) - and he went totally crackers, instantaneous jumping off tables like a complete loon. So I never let him have anything like that now! Typical day would be:

Shreddies for breakfast
Croissant for mid morning snack
Ham sarnies with avocado, cucumber, tomatoes and a handful of crisps on the side for lunch, yoghurt for pudding
Some fruit toast in the afternoon for snack
Homemade spag Bol/fish pie or similar for dinner with fruit for pudding

Nothing in that that would leap out as causing excessive energy.
Could you put them in training for a marathon...?

Funnily enough my DH is a fitness fanatic who runs marathons and does daft 150 mile bike rides for fun....he is always training and doing loads of physical activity, they seemed to have both inherited this gene (they sure didn't get it from my family of overweight couch potatoes...!)