Was I abused or not?

[boo64]

I have a hazy memory of someone in my family abusing me on a holiday but I can't get to the bottom of whether this really happened or I dreamt it.

I have definitely been repressing this and haven't thought about it for years but today I did start thinking about it again and it's totally freaking me out.

The person in my family appears to either not remember or not be acknowledging it (they would have been about 16 I think).

I know where we were and roughly how old we were and where we were in the house we were staying in. Two other people were in the room but didn't touch me.

Could this be something my f*d up brain has made up? I just don't know what to think but now I'm not sure I can forget again.

I have about 5 other f*d up things in my childhood and my parents (who wouldn't know about the above) totally brush everything under the carpet and I'mnot sure I can pretend we are all jolly and happy anymore. I have a rough relationship with them anyway but that's just from the surface stuff.

I'm not feeling too great about this today although not generally depressed.

Any thoughts?

p.s. I'd have been about 11 at the time

have you thought about being hypnotised?

Not keen although open minded about getting counselling - Ithink it's about time I faced all the sh*t from my childhood!

Dp had counselling recently due to issues in his childhood, he began having panic/anxiety attacks which all stemmed from his childhood.

Counselling really helped.

I think I'm feeling like this cos my parents are staying.
When they aren't here (they don't stay often) I can bury my head in the sand and pretend life is ok and forget my childhood.

Some of the other stuff includes my dad touching me inappropriately although I'm not sure it was abuse per se or to get a sexual thrill. He used to kind of flick my breasts (although I didn;t really have any at thetime) hard ot explain but it makes me feel horrid now thinking about it.

Does that sound weird and inappropriate to anyone else. He used to make comments about them at thetime. Maybe til I was 12 or 13.

Sorry to start pouring out other stuff but I justfeel sh*t and don't know how I can get through the next 24 hours before they leave without totally yelling at them.

Oh Boo. You sound like you have a lot on your mind right now. I haven't got any advice for you but I couldn't read without giving you a and hoping you are able to cope 'til your parents go home and you have a chance to really think about what you want to do. Good Luck

Have you seen this thread?

There are others on this subject too, if you search in feeling depressed. It may or may not help....

omg!you could be describing me!ive always wondered if this thing is dreams or memories.it really really upsets me.i cant tell anyone.the worse thing is that the person who i think is bad was proven to be when he sexually abused 2 members of my family,although this would have been over 15 years or so later.how do you find out if its a dream ?or is it safer thinking it was a dream?

Kitty I haven't told anyone either. It's so hard given we don't even know whether this actually happened or not.

BUT I can't imagine why I'd dream that - it isn't the sort of thing I have happen in dreams.

I totally agree in some ways, not knowing for sure is easier as you can just ignore it sometimes. I don't know.

But maybe it means we don't face up to it properly.

It seems more than a coincidence that your person 'concerned' was convicted later on.

The thing that makes it tricky I find, is that the person concerned in my situation seems very 'normal' now and I just can't imagine why he did this. He doesn't seem to behave strangely round me either so that makes me doubt myself.

I could ask the other two who were in the room in an oblique way like 'did something weird happen in X' (x being the place we were - don't want to type it here)

But maybe it's easier just to bury my head back in the sand. It's a long time ago now.

I think I am going to get some counselling though as it's not just this it's all the other sh*t too and I don't want to just have some kind of breakdown one day!

were the 2 other people close to you?friends/family?
i wrote a big long reply to you but couldnt post it,i feel odd telling something thats been secret for so long that i dont even know if its real or not.i think your very brave and i do hope you find out if it was real or not.

Family.

I don't know whether I will really ask them or not. I don't think I'll manage it just yet. Need to pluck up the courage!

I find it easier to type it on here than talk to people