Still havn't come to terms with motherhood...8 years on.

[malificent7]

Feeling really crap. Have had mental Heath problems from an early age. My mum had bipolar disorder and was awful to me so I have a lot of flashbacks!
I have always been v in love with dd since i conceived her but I just can't enjoy motherhood. I have tried so hard. Not only did her dad leave me during pregnancy but I was bullied in the workplace. I was in labour for 2 days with a ecs.
I remember about 3 weeks old thinking about how much I loved her but how much I hate the slog of being a mum. I just miss my freedom. I feel there is nothing left for me.
People said it gets easier... It dosnt. Dd is very spirited and can actually answer back now! She refuses a lot to do as I ask. I just feel so weighed down by the responsibility... Every penny I own goes on her. We clash enormously.
She has not taken kindly go my new dpd who is lovely. I feel like I sacrificed so much. The saddest thing is I was desperate to have her but I don't enjoy being a mum. It's like I feel that I can't relax when she's awake. Like hyper vigilance or something.

Also I think the hardest thing is knowing that you are responsible for your child's mental health but not being able to stop snapping, shouting or feeling like you are a shit mum 24/7.

Hi,

sorry you are having such a hard time. Have you discussed how you are feeling with your GP? My Mum was treated for depression when I was a similar age to your DD and now says she thinks she had PND which never resolved until she recieved this treatment. She also had councelling to help deal with issues from her childhood, which she said she found made it much easier to be the type of Mum she wanted to be as she feels before her childhood issues were getting in the way.