I was diagnosed with PND at 3months, after counselling i realise it was with me from about 30/40. At my worst I was frozen with anxiety and intrusive thoughts. I was literally sitting in the kitchen thinking "don't put the baby in the freezer, don't pour hot water on the baby." - The worst things possible you could think I thought.
I thought I was evil and deranged. I had wanted my baby so much and would have given away my house to get rid of the thoughts. I also, because of the thoughts couldn't feel love for lo all the time and became obsessed with the idea of feeling a rush of love. I am a ballsy A&E nurse in my work life and was destroyed that I was crumbling. Fortunately my GP was great. I literally sat there and said all the hideous things I was thinking and he repeatedly told me that they are just thoughts.
Dh was great and took 2 weeks of work to be with me. He helped my sleep and I ended up on 40mg go citalopram, which saved me. I am now down to 10mg every other day. I delayed taking it by two weeks (huge mistake) and the first night I took it was my worst but it saved me. Please take them. 1 in 3 people take them at some point in their life in the UK.
Lo is now 10months and through counselling I now realise that I was very unwell but had postnatal OCD and anxiety. I have to remember that these thoughts are NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. They are a symptom of my anxiety and I was anxious because of my hormones and being so tired.
I also remember that I am normal to have these worries and thoughts, everyone does but I became hypersensitive to them and would ruminate on them rather than let them float out my mind as just the silly thoughts that they are.
It gets better, I wish I could introduce you to yourself 6 months on and show you that you will be fine. Everyday of anxiety seems long but YOU WILL NOT FEEL LIKE THIS FOREVER. You will get through it and oneway be writing about your experience of PND to help others on MN.
I think you would be surprised to know how many of your friends have been through this. One of my BF who I thought told me everything admitted to me when I was struggling that she was so nervous one night she called an ambulance for herself. The fear of discussing these thoughts and worries makes them breed. Reach out to your friends and tell them your thoughts or message me! lol. I thought shared is a thought halved!
I found body scans mindfulness from Youtube really helped me relax.
You can do it, you will have good days and bad days but the good days will get more and more until you realise that you haven't had a weird thought for a few days. And you will be a better woman, friend and mother for doing it and coming out the otherside!
Good luck - KEEP GOING!!!