I've never been absolutely in love with myself or had the highest self esteem, but I used to have hope and excitement and, probably a little bit of innocence. Then my daughter was born 12 weeks early and everything was forever changed. In part everything was different because I had become a parent, but those 2 months in NICU and having to confront the mortality of my newborn in the days when I should have been struggling with breastfeeding and sleep depravation ripped my joy and innocence from me. It's so stupid but I found some Tommee Tippee bottles in the loft the other day and they came as part of a set that I bought in preparation of her arrival. Looking at those bottles I was filled with the excitement that I had when I first opened the box of stuff and emptied it on our living room floor. And then I was sharply reminded that the hopes and excitement I had were never felt in the way they should have been. I should say that my daughter is here, well and (obviously) perfect. She is nearly 3 and has just become a big sister. But the outcome bring positive doesn't mean the experience was. I am having CBT to try to address some of this stuff and it is helping but then you find a stupid baby bottle and it knocks it all on its head. I've heard about a treatment to do with eye movements (I can't remember what it was called) and I think that might be worth a go as one thing the CBT hasn't addressed is the utter jealousy I feel whenever I see a pregnant woman or a newborn baby or if something reminds me of when I was filled with the joy they now have. I just want the old me back, but I know she's gone now.