What do your bad days / weeks / episodes look like?

[Smartleatherbag]

Tell me a bit about yours. I'm in the middle of a dreadful episode and, though I've been here before and got out, I just need a bit of peer support, if you can. Thanks x

Anyone?

I don't even like to think about it (shudders)

I did write it down, but it was just too awful I'd be worried that focussing on the negative would make you worse. How are things for you though smartleatherbag?

The main thing about being in the middle of a dreadful episode (and the main thing I remember) is the feeling that it will never ever get better. That this is just how it is, forever. But it will get better, and it will end smartleatherbag hang on in there

Thanks danger, yes it's the never ending feeling that makes it just awful isn't it? I know I've been through it before and got out again. It's so flipping horrible

I always feel like I'm just a broken shell. And that I'm living in hell. I have a massive trigger that I came across today, feeling a bit set back as I had been recovering.

Mine is hormonal, and not every month. Bottom of the pit really, shall never be loved, everyone else has sparkly amazing existence and I am outside looking in. It's gruesome and seems very real but I try (not always successfully) to remember it's transitory. As a single mum I can't take to my bed & so taking care of things for DS helps (he's mid-teens so helps me a lot too w chores & whatnot + nattering at me about his day helps me as when I'm feeling really grim pretending to be interested helps keep me diverted).

Good luck with it, it will swoop away and things will be normal again.

Sorry you had a bad spell too, Feeb. Hope things improve.
Yes, my oldest child is a bit of a help too, his chattering on. Young one is 6 so still hard work, but thank God not toddler!

Thanks lizzie, I mean you in 2nd bit, re kids. They can be a real blessing

They sure can! My DS is a wonderful person and I'm the only adult he can really rely on so he keeps me keeping on. But it's hard sometimes, especially when it's roller coaster hormone time. For some reason driving makes me cry, I have learned to stop listening to Tracey Thorn while in the car!

I wrote this on Friday morning in my in my diary on the way to work:

It wasn't just the normal unease I feel when I woke up today, but a judder. A weird kind of judder, like something in the soul not the body. This is bad, I knew instantly what was happening. And part of me longs for it, because sickness of the soul is so very, very seductive at first. It's like you're behind glass, you're not here, they're not there. It's an escape from the mania. But I know that all too soon it pulls you away from the glass and into yourself. I still have insight now. I guess I'll break in February. All bets are off after Christmas. Must see my psychologist ASAP.

But today, late September, the sky bright and cheery I am not afraid of it. I am expecting sickness, perhaps chasing it if I'm honest? Easing myself down slowly into it again. The rituals, the books, the counting, the safety.

The season changed slightly today.

That is what it means to me. I have manic episodes too, but this one is heading down and I welcome it because I'm tired. So very tired. That sums it up for me.

I guess what I mean by my rambling is see someone, talk it out and get meds If you need them. Don't get pulled under, fight hard. I made a call to my psychiatrist that afternoon, even though I felt like a fraud.

It starts with a really heavy feeling in my stomach and a sense of dread. At its worst, I believe I've been taken over by evil and I am physically rotting on the inside. I can smell it and feel physical pain. The only solution is death. I'm in hospital by the time I get to that point.

Thanks so much, all. Yes, I feel it very physically too and that really terrifies me, which then becomes a downward vortex. It's horrible. Sorry you all suffer too.

Like unimaginable mental torture. That can't be endured. Heartening to read of fellow sufferers! I'm fine when I'm medicated thank God.

Hi all - I have a diagnosis of recurring depressive disorder. I've had 2 major episodes in the past, and made a complete recovery from the 1st episode - well for 15 years..........then relapsed 7 years ago and been up and down since then. Good days and bad days, no triggers, never know when they're coming so can't really plan anything.

OK my bad days - I know more or less as soon as my eyes are open in the morning - a feeling of dread knowing what's coming. I am retired and a GM so no dependents and a supportive DP, so I stay under the duvet all mornings (they're the worst time) I have prolonged bouts of crying, and feel flat, empty, scared, and yes "this will never end" even though I know the bad days will go and I will be me again. I get up and shower etc and always have a long bout of crying after - don't know why - but DP waits on the landing as he knows what will happen when I'm out of the bathroom. Then I stumble downstairs and well............I dunno - I'm doing it now, the laptop gets me through many a dark hour. I hate to hear people outside laughing and going about their ordinary lives on bad days, as I feel like an alien, not of this world.

I've read a lot about depression but for me it's summed up in a single sentence "loss of self" and that's it, as though a stranger has taken over my mind and turned me into a jibbering wreck, whereas I am quite an extrovert by nature and am generally cheerful on good days. Mental illness is a torment for sure and can only be understood by those unfortunate enough to have first hand experience, but worse still, there is still such a stigma around it. Sometimes I feel like I am harboring a dirty secret, and it shouldn't be like this but it is................

I've more or less worked my way through all the medications available but none have bought lasting relief. I have suicidal thoughts but probably will never act on them because of my loved ones. Incidentally my CPN told me that this feeling of "it will never end" is actually a symptom of depression/anxiety.

Sending warm wishes to all......................

Thanks so much, it really helps to know others have similar experiences to me.

try not to think even that it will end.that too means your waiting.take every moment by moment.bit by bit task,breathe,sight one at a time.it will go it will hun but it might be longer or shorter episode than last time and youll only remmebr how bad this was is in comparison.but the last one I bet you thout or dreaded getting through. but things never stop,they are ever changing and this too will change and pass.
don't wait for it instead take to doing every thing you can to ease it.induldge yourself In everything tht helps.be selfish in loving yourself.
put your hand to your heart and "feel loved."tell yourself "I'm here for you and we can do this" how would you comfort a friend or loved one.offer that back to yourself.
itl be ok.it will.your very brave and can continue to be.xx

That's lovely, thank you very much xx

I agree Smart- it helps to know others are out there sharing the experience. Solidarity.

Hi all - another horrendous morning when I've cried so much my head aches but that's nothing to the torment of depression. I have to go to physio this afternoon and can't cancel - it's too late and I'm really scared that I won't be able to be "normal" - I've only been twice and I've told her that I might have to cancel sometimes and she seems ok about it but asks that I phone first thing. Trouble is I don't wake till 10 or sometimes 11 and so can't ring first thing. Also my mood differs through the day - sometimes when I have a very bad morning I'm not so bad in the afternoon but sometimes crap all day and no lift till evening (occasionally as late as 10 pm) but usually 6 ish.

Does anyone else have mood changes through the day?

Well I better get off here and put some make up on and hope for the best.

Oh gosh, yes, huge mood changes over the course of the day. From bleak hopelessness to tearful to fine. Mostly I'm fine (with an underlay of sadness, but that's situational). But the roller coaster days are not good. I've decided I'm a hero for muddling through somehow, it's kinder than getting frustrated w myself for feeling like this. For me I'm convinced it's hormonal. Is that a possibility for you?

Nooooooooooooo Lizzie afraid not - I'm exceedingly old - 72!! So long past anything hormonal. I did manage the phsyio and she was asking me about meds and said her husband was on Sertraline and then we had a conversation about mental health! I'm much worse in the morning and slowly pick up through the day if I'm lucky.

Ah, I see. I'm perimenopausal, so exceedingly hormonal. Some women keep getting flashes decades into menopause, but I have no idea about hormonal fluctuations at that point so I'll just shush. The throughout the day thing seems intriguing though and worth checking into.

It's tough, but then sometimes the window opens and fresh air floods in. I hope that happens for you soon.

Oh I loved your analogy Lizzie of the "window opening and fresh air flooding in..........." as I type this I'm fine, as it's 1.30 a.m. and I always stop up late because I sleep in, and if it's a bad day then I'm asleep for some of it if that makes sense. You hint at your depression is related to your situation. Are you on any meds and if so do they help?

I'm on Mirtazapine, Vortioxetine (a new SSRI said to be more potent) Lithium and Diazepam which I seldom take as with me it's more depression than anxiety, but I like to have them because they're useful if I can't get to sleep which sometimes happens.

Hoping for an open window and some fresh air tomorrow!

Thanks Magic If you were asking me about meds, no I haven't taken anything. I think I need cbt but never get around to do anything about it.

When I first got divorced I was full of hope, and I was happy. Almost 11 years of (mostly) loneliness later, with a guy who messed me about & broke my heart, and a series of jobs where I was bullied, and my DS (now fine) going through a nightmare of teenage depression - well, I'm not the happy bunny I was. I hate being single, it makes me sad not having that connection. So I'm not sure medication would work for me?

But at times I forget and I see a lovely view, or my kids are happy, or I talk to a nice cat, etc and I forget I'm horribly lonely & losing my looks & even less likely to be noticed now than I was 10+ years ago when I was still pretty.

There now. I don't have the words, really. Doing nothing. Wanting to die.