I just want to die

[Cantdoitanymoree]

I can't kill myself. I have kids. But I just wish i would die. I hate my life. Ive struggled with depression and anxiety sunce i was a child. Me and my DH split up because he was sick of 'looking after' me...hes a really good guy and still helps me a lot. But thibgs had gotten so bad we were fighting all the time.

I cant keep my house tidy. I have no energy. I sleep all day and all night. My house is a mess.
I have a partner but its mostly an online relationship as we live in different countries and i miss them constantly.

I feel like a failure. I dont feel like a real person. I feel like all my life events are on film and im watching them.

Nothing feels real except pain. Everything else feels like im acting.

I have no money. Im on apeal rate of ESA but my tribunal is next month and i have nothing to take. All i am on is waiting lists and my GP gives me citalopram.

So they wont give me ESA. I know they are going to fail me and i will go back to living off nothing because i cant go on jobseekers.

They dont care.

Im so fuckibg tired of feeling like this. So fucking tired.

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this.

How old are your children? What are they like? Do they know you're unwell?

www.maytree.org.uk/

My kids are all under 12 and lovely children. I lack patience with them sometimes as i feel so overwhelmed but they know i am sad sonetimes.

They stay with their dad some days but i find i just lay in bed sleeping and crying till they come home

Don't you think that maybe the kids should spend the majority of their time at their dads while you're in such a state. I feel quite concerned about how they're coping living in the conditions you describe.

I'm not trying to be harsh, I think the ultimate act of love is make sure all the childrens needs are met when one parent is unable to cope with life.

Or ask SS services for some help and support in getting you back on your feet?

I sleep when they are at school.

I struggle to keep things tidy yeah but its not like the sort of state Aggy and Kim sort out.

I get them up for school. Clean uniforms. They are never late. They have good meals in the evening. Homework and reading done.

Butbwhen they go to school i just go to bed. And when they AREN'T here, but at their dads I can't find any motivation to get out of bed. They are my motivation to live.

If they werent here i would never move. I would die. They keep me going.

Can you go back to your GP OP?

I'm going on Monday but he can't do anything apart from up my meds. I've been waiting so long to see a therapist.

Have you been on the meds for long? Do you need to try a different one? I know it can feel completely impossible but exercise and being outside can help. Can you manage a very short walk?
Never mind the house. Don't beat yourself up for being unwell. Sounds like you are working really hard to look after your kids.

I've been on them 9 years. Had many changes.

I feel like a failure when someone knocks on and its a tip.

I don't think your meds are working - could you ask your GP to prescribe an alternative?

Don't forget that the samaritans are always there to talk to

it sounds like you have lots of stress in your life.

Many people get through on appeal for ESA. The system is shite and it is awful that they make people go through these things when they are in a bad way already. Are you getting any help with that?

Keep hanging on to the things you ARE doing- you are managing to be a good mum despite feeling like crap. Ok the house has to be a state for a while- you are looking after the kids and that is what matters. Have they given you any idea how long you have to wait for therapy?