hate mail - how do you handle it?

[AnonInCaseSheLurks]

we had a lodger for 4 months, she left a month ago. on Weds I received a 5 page (closely typed) letter from her detailing the problems she perceived in my relationship with DH and the DCs. Said things like "you are destroying their (DCs) lives" and other, really nasty, stuff. It has knocked me sideways. I was always very pleasant to her (she and DH had a few minor (I thought) incidents over phone and music playing) I had even responded pleasantly to an email from her the day before, giving her some help and even directing her towards this site as I thought it might be useful to her (hence my namechange). Thing is, the things she said were full of vitriol, bile and anger. I know the things she said about the kids are completely untrue (think she had a mega f**ked up childhood) but the thing is me and DH have been having issues, which we have been trying hard to resolve. Her letter said such absolutely vile things about our relationship that I am finding it really hard to deal with right now. DH is dealing with it better, he says she is just raving and trying to hurt me for some reason we don't know. But I am reeling from the whole episode. I've been skirting what I think is a fit of depression for about 4 months now and I worry I am going to go under because of this. I am on St Johns Wort and they had been helping but since I received that letter I am just bursting into tears all over the shop, and nervous I am going to meet her every time I step outside the door (she lives and works nearby).

How do I get past this, and back to a positive place where I can usefully work on things with DH as well as feeling better about myself? Practical tips would be really welcome

Wow. She really wanted to put the boot in, didn't she? OK, whatever her motivation, the thing is not to let her have the power here. I'd burn the darn letter and try to forget about it. She's just sh!t stirring. Easier said than done, I'm sure, but you can't change your life just because a mad lodger tells you to!

I'd save this thing and give it to hte police.

I'd keep a copy for myself.

She sounds unhinged.

she sounds mad as can be! and insanely jealous..i;d do what edam says, burn the letter, ignore the ramblings of a very odd woman, and try to keep on the up....if the letter is very threatening, might want to show the police?

She sounds like a friggin lunatic. Dion't take a blind bit of notice of her bitterly jealous outpourings.

don't want to say too much about the steps I have already taken in case she is lurking and feeling vindictive but I have already taken practical steps to protect us as a family

it's the emotional side I am finding very difficult

and you didnt know her before? shes just a starnger who lived in your house as a lodger and then moved out after 4 months? why did she leave?

agree with expat; she sounds unhinged. be careful.

EEk, she sounds SICK. A truly toxic person.

I would be crying as well, these people can really have a poisonous effect. Rip up the letter, watch it burn slowly in a candleflame. Make an active effort to block out all thoughts of this woman. This will not work immediately, but you know that she does NOT have true knowledge of you, your DCs or DS. She is taking out her own misery and hate on you and is being successful at it as truly vicious people often are.

another thing you can do to 'let go' of the memory/image of people like this (I've done it a few times, it seems facile but does work) is to write down all your anger and hurt in a letter to them, than burn or destroy it somehow while repeating to yourself 'I forgive you and let you go'. It helps to cement the feeling that you are above the pettiness of the whole thing. But maybe that's one for later, when you feel ready.

look. shes clearly not someone whose opinion should matter to you, esp not someone on whose opinions your own happiness and sanity should rest.

dont allow her the power to get under your skin. accept shes hurt you with some pretty low blows, but try to see that nothing she thinks matters to you or your family.

that should be your focus re the emotional side of this!

Crikey what a bunny boiler - she obviously has issues with boundaries and has overstepped them massively. I can understand how this will impact on your self-esteem if you are in a depressed patch but really the rational response would be anger. She is totally in the wrong and must be projecting some of her emotional baggage onto your situation. If you see her I would suggest remaining cool and distant. Work on some eloquent put-down that lets her know that she's out of order and in the wrong.

Phatcat, I really don't agree. purely because this woman sounds unhinged. I think the best policy would be to copy to the police.

we recieved a 'we don't want to be friends with you anymore' letter once, which was full of hate and more basically rubbish. At the time i was very hurt, it arrived the evening we were celebrating DH's birthday and had friends round, they cowardly shoved it through the letter box and drove off! i was utterly deverstated by it, even though i knew it as crap. i think the letter went so far as to suggest that DH should leave me! it took me about a month to agree that it was rubbish, i took it very much to heart, i was very hurt. it left me being very untrusting of people and their motives.

what i'm trying to say is, right now it hurts but you'll get past it.

Only cowards and people who are jealous of what you've got write letter like this.

also, remember that it IS natural to burst into tears after something like this. if you were calmly accepting this, or paying attention to what she says, that would be more indicitive of true depression. of course you will be massively upset. we once had a lodger who turned out to be a bit odd. when she left, she said it was because we didn't talk to her enough & she felt left out! later discovered she just wanted to move in with her boyfriend & didn't want to sit out the full notice period, and that she had many other problems. i'd spent nights crying because i thought i's been horrible, then it turns out that SHE had problems and just invented a reason to 'escape' thinking it would make her happy. keep reminding yourself this is HER problme, not yours. she is obv deeply unhappy about something & wants to unload her pain.

if you get anything else from her, get your dh to open it, in case you need to 'do' anything. don't open any emails from her. don't engage in any form of correspondence with her. focus on you & your family.

good point colditz - I was looking at it from the p.o.v of what might help anon 'get over it' emotionally. Obv if there is the possibility that bunny boiler could escalate, she needs to tread very carefully. But what should she say if she sees her again?

Don't say anything. Get away asap.

Honest, some people are just Not Normal.

thanks guys - was just speaking to a friend who is a clinical psychologist to whom i showed the letter. He reckons she is suffering froma fairly significant personality disorder and a hugely f**ked up childhood. It was very helpful to talk to him. She caught me at a vulnerable time, and the letter is absolutely designed to hurt me (though my friend also thinks that weirdly enough she might fancy me - yeurgh) but my friend knows me very well and was able to reassure me that nothing she says in the letter is in any way a valid reflection of the truth. I think I was starting to almost believe bits of what she said about me and DH. I need to focus on not even allowing myself to think about those horrid things. As someone on here said, her behaviour is completely abnormal and just shows she has no rational insight to offer into any aspect of my life.

If (or rather, when, unfortunately)I next see her in the street I will (try to) calmly tell her never to communicate with me or any member of my family again, and inform her that from now on I will ignore or avoid her. I am certainly not going to communicate with her in any written form.

I just hope to god this is the end of it, that she has gotten this off her chest and feels no more need to plague me

thanks guys, your advice has been really helpful

or maybe I just won't say anything at all to her, I don't want to draw the crazed loon on me any more that I already have...

I bet she meant to detail her perception of your behavior as parents ... and without realising it, she has detailed her perception of her own childhood instead.

I think when someone is your lodger they can see you as an answer to their problems and almost a parent figure - in the past I've had a lodger who really latched onto me and was very controlling and needy, to the point where I couldn't bear it and had to ask her to leave. It's an ideal situation for someone with childhood issues and baggage to start unleashing all that. With my lodger I also got the feeling she wanted to be physically close to me, she used to try to snuggle up with me on the sofa and "link up" with me - I don't know about fancying, but it was as if she wanted to consume me. Alternatively she may have had feelings for your DH. Think about it - if she lodged with you, didn't like you and left, any normal person would put it behind them. The fact that she wrote shows she's got some kind of problem. It's not as if she's family and you have to see each other...

I agree you should take it seriously, keep a copy and tell the police - it may be useful in getting her prosecuted if she keeps doing it.

I'ds keep the letter, in case you need evidence of harassment.

Something similar happened to me. I was sent hatemail by my ex SIL. We had been close but she was a bit of a nutter, thinking back. This person knew of a message board I was on, and wrote some really foul, untrue and twisted things about my me, my partner and children on it. It was only loosely disguised. I am sure some people on the message board guessed it was me. I totally ignored her online rantings and decided she wouldn't drive me off the message board. She left after a week. For all I know she still lurks.

I decided that I would totally ignore her in real life. She lived nearby and we both had children at the same school. I totally blanked her as I did not want to fan the flames. It worked, but it upset me for a long time afterwards and made me think twice about being so open with friends in case they turned against me.

You have my sympathies.

A further practical tip would be to alert mumsnet HQ to this thread and the possibility that this mad person might start causing trouble on mumsnet threads.

I know you must feel like confronting her if just to tell her you will be ignoring her from now on, but I think you should avoid saying or writing anything to her at all costs. The problem is in her mind and any response you give will just add more ammunition for her.

yes, I think she was definitely expecting more from the relationship than we were prepared to give. she goes on in the letter that all we wanted from the situation was the extra money not someone actually sharing our home, eh, yes, isn't extra money why someone would take on a lodger in the first place? we were perfectly pleasant to her, in fact I was positively nice to the b*h, taking her out to the country with me and the kids on one occasion when she was at a loose end (in her letter she complains about the DCs behaviour in the car that day, saying they were attention seeking and didn't allow me time to talk to anyone else (ie her)), always inviting her to join us if we had friends round for dinner etc (and regretting it whenever she did join us as she hogged the conversation with her self-obsessed nonsense)

thank god she is gone from our home. the locks are changed and DH is warning the school today that if she turns up there she is not to be allowed near DD1

has been helpful to offload here, helps me to keep focussed on the fact that she is obviously an out and out nutter

thanks jemma5. think you and colditz are probably right. I will plan to ignore

Yes, if you ignore, rise above it and cannnily keep all the evidence, it's sane sensible you having a problem with a nuttter. If you engage in conversation with her or confront her in any way, it could just be seen as a catfight (not saying it is, just that it will be easier to get the law on your side if necessary if you've risen above it all along).

have been googling and am pretty certain she has some variation of narcissistic personality disorder. apparently sufferers of this crave attention and often commit acts of provocation (such as sending that letter) in order to garner that attention. So ignoring her may well frustrate her a great deal. which doesn't really upset me too much I have to say...

anyway, must stop thinking about this and her and get on with my own life now