Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Flip

Original poster

Should I have another baby even though I'm still a bit depressed?

15 replies

Brandyanddietcoke · 04/02/2007 21:07

I really would like another baby, have a DD whose almost 2, but I am worried that I will get PND again. Suffered quite badly for the first 6 months with DD. And I imagine with 2 it will be even harder. It was the night feeds that really got me down and also the birth was pretty traumatic. I'm much better now and I really started enjoying motherhood at about 18 months. I've seen my sister just have a baby and she makes it look so easy. I keep thinking that I will be more experienced this time and not worry about every little thing. I also watch them american birthing programmes and see women taking AD's during pregnancy so that they dont suffer with PND after birth and I think that maybe I could do that. Even though I was too scared to take them when I had PND incase I got hooked. (More irrational thinking)

I still have pangs of PND now and then. Mainly when I get really tried or if DD is going through a bad patch. I wonder how any of you 2nd/3rd timers did it? How you actually got your head around doing it again? Part of me thinks, just do it, because if I deliberate over it too long, i may never do it.... Any thoughts welcome...

OP posts:

TrinityRhino · 04/02/2007 21:09

I'm on my third amd stilkl struggling with depression. I think your right when you say that if you deliberate over it too much then you may never do it. I would go for it

lulumama · 04/02/2007 21:11

i have a 6 year gap between my two DCs as i had horrendous PND after DS, triggered by a bad birth experience. for me, i felt it was better to wait until i was fully recovered, so i could give myself the best chance of being ok....and making sure that i had all my safety nets in place for after the birth.... if your birth was traumatic, it can be worth talking about it with someone, say the, birth trauma association

you cannot get hooked on ADs, they are not the same as tranquilisers....

why not wait a while longer, keep on enjoying the the DD you have, and when you feel stronger again, go for it

paulinec · 04/02/2007 21:11

Hi, sorry you had such a rough time emotionally. I have three children, 6 , 4 and nearly 2, and from my experience would advise you to be in a strong frame of mind before going for another baby. Pregnancy and motherhood are demanding enough, give yourself a little more time and treat yourself to a little tlc and enjoy the daughter you have. By doing this you may feel 100% healthier in six months time. What are your husbands thoughts on it? There are pro's and con's to every age gap so I wouldnt put a time restriction on yourself. xx

FluffyMummy123 · 04/02/2007 21:11

Message withdrawn

expatinscotland · 04/02/2007 21:14

You're right. It will be harder.

I had severe PND first time round.

Was completely OFF ADs before ttc no. 2.

Still wound up w/ante-natal depression and PND again.

For me, it was best to wait till I wasn't struggling w/PND anymore, because the pregnancy whilst looking after another little one was tough.

Why not talk to your psychiatrist about it?

TeeCee · 04/02/2007 21:16

What's the rush? If you're only just starting to enjoy motherhood why don't you do just that, enjoy it for a bit.

Going from 2 to 1 is much bigger than going from 0 to 1.

Chill.

Give yourself some time.

I had a 4 year gap between dd1 and dd2 and it was fab having dd1 to myself for that long and I ws totally ready for dd2. I'm now expecting dd3, there'll be 19 months between dd2 and dc3 and in an ideal world I'd have a slightly bigger gap so dd2 had more time being my baby iykwim.

Nemo2007 · 04/02/2007 21:21

ITs hard as only you can decide. I have just had my 3rd child and have suffered bad depression since DS was born 3yrs ago.He was my first, however unlike you I never had any issues with enjoying motherhood it was everything else that got on top of me. MY kids have kept me going despite everything else falling apart so it really depends. The other thing is you may leave it years and years but still get depression or you may concieve and have baby with no depression at all.

Original poster

Brandyanddietcoke · 04/02/2007 21:42

Thanks for all your comments. I don't suppose there is any rush, I read a lot (perhaps too much) and worry about age gaps and all that. I know that theres pro's and con's with each one. I just liked the idea of siblings being close. But then again, I also like the idea of having baby all to yourself whilst eldest is at nursery/school.

DP would have another one tommorro but it won't be his boobies that baby wants at 2 hour intervals throughout the night! I sound awful saying i only really enjoyed motherhood at 18 months, i meant the emphasis on the REALLY meaning that i enjoy it more now, not that i didn't enjoy it before. The depression just put a grey cloud over things, iyswim.

OP posts:

TeeCee · 05/02/2007 19:21

Don't feel awful at saying you enjoyed it at 18 months, lots of people find a slightly older baby a lot more enjoyeable then a very young one. In fact lots of people really dislike and struggle with the very young baby stage.

LIZS · 05/02/2007 19:29

Personally I'd say give yourself a break to gain more confidence and, importantly, enjoy your dd. We have a 3yr 5m gap between ours and I didn't have pnd but still wasn't ready much sooner. They are pretty close but there are no guarantees whatever the gap .

bakedpotato · 05/02/2007 19:35

Talk to your GP/HV. Ask about ADs, counselling, see what might help you ante- or post-natally. IMO nothing is as tough/shocking as going from 0-1 and second time around, you'll have the huge advantage of knowing what you're up against, in terms of this illness.
However, I'm with the majority here: don't rush it.

charlieq · 06/02/2007 13:54

I have done it again Brandy though I can't say it was the 'right' thing to do (esp. as am in midst of antenatal depression now!)

Like you I didn't enjoy motherhood at all except for isolated moments until DS was at least 2. I saw him as a problem child and me as an appalling mother simultaneously. On bad days now I still do!!

I came off the ADs 3 months before this one was conceived and immediately got quite depressed again but not as depressed as during the actual pregnancy with the sickness etc. My marriage to DH nearly collapsed (again) and my DS adopted my catchphrases of 'oh GOD I'm so sick/so tired/ my head hurts so much'.

I have been very down through most of this pregnancy, feeling that things are out of control, I won't cope and will treat this one badly as I feel I treated DS. Although he seems to have turned out a warmhearted & kind little chap if a bit of a velcro kid.

There is never a good time to do it, especially if you are a depressive lol! If you feel in your guts and your womb (iyswim!!) that you're ready, I would say part of the decision has been made for you.

mcnoodle · 06/02/2007 14:06

Brandy

Am in the same position. Ds is 20 months and, like you, I only really started to enjoy this parenting lark at around 18 months. I had PND through the first year, and can feel it lurking around still. I am doing some group counselling which is helping (am off AD's).

I really want another, despite being very very scared of PND coming back and how I will cope with two. I have decided to wait a bit longer. Ds and I are having so much fun at the moment, I don't want to burst the bubble just yet. However, I agree with the 'don't overanalyse it' post and know I will try for another at some point.

divastrop · 06/02/2007 21:01

firstly-i am taking ad's in pregnancy for AND,not so that i dont get PND again.

i suffered from PND after my first baby,but i didnt decide to have another one,i just discovered i was pregnant again when i asked to go on the pill when ds1 was 3 months old.

i have to say,i found having two easier than one,even though theres only 11 months between them.i had ds2 when dd1 was 4.5,and i still suffered AND/PND even though both the older two were at school.i had dd2 when ds2 was 2.5,and suffered horrendous and in that preg,but ive realised now i just dont cope with pregnancy very well,as i am expecting no 5 next month,when dd2 will be 15 months old!

what i'm trying to say is,ive experienced a variety of age gaps but as im prone to depression i suffered every time anyway,however,as i'd been through it before i knew what to look out for and made sure i got the help i needed straight away.

Original poster

Brandyanddietcoke · 06/02/2007 22:51

It's really re-assuring to know that I'm not alone! I think it must be a bit of broodyness/ biological clock or whatever hormone it is that makes women desire to have babies, regardless of their circumstances etc...

Because although I know that it would be better to wait, (me and DH are going through mill a bit at the mo) I can't stop thinking about it. I keep reading the pregnancy threads! I'm training for the London Marathon at the moment but I keep toying with the idea of trying after that... I must be mental... someone stop me!

OP posts:

Flip