I think I've lost it

[toska]

Hello,

DH and I are struggling to conceive he has a low sperm count. I am angry and crying every day. I cry at work, on the bus and occasionally in the middle of conversations. I have also started punching walls, punching my stomach, breaking jewellery and phones.

We were married a year ago and it was a disaster. My mother stole money from us and the priest skipped parts of the service. The whole thing was a shambles and my one hope was to have wedding pictures to display around our home. The wedding pictures were so bad I threw them away. A friend I asked to help me sort through them to try and pick a nice one for framing actually told me not to bother sending any more as it was upsetting her. My wedding was supposed to be the start of my new life. My FIL accidentally ripped our marriage certificate, I knew then we were doomed.

We bought a house unknowingly next door to a problem family. The primary school age boy screams abuse at his mother and you can hear their television through the walls even at 4am. We have tried to confront them and they were verbally abusive. We’ve lived here since March and I have not opened the curtains once. I also wear earplugs all day when I’m indoors.

My family are abusive and when I was younger my parents had physical fights and we would call the police to stop them. My mother hated me because I wet the bed and was physically violent with me. I’ve always wanted a proper family and I feel like the universe is against me, I think I’m cursed only bad things happen to me. DH agrees that our entire relationship has been very difficult. His parents sent nasty emails about me to try and stop him from marrying me. They’ve tried to apologise but how can I forget what they wrote? I think the universe doesn’t want me to have children. I can see why my children wouldn’t want to be born. I’m poor and fat and ugly. I imagine them each month trying not to be born so they won’t have to be disadvantaged by being mine. I’m convinced if we ever get pregnant they will be serial killers or criminals and it’s better that I can’t have them.

DHs brother’s wife is pregnant and they have a beautiful home. I know that I will be forgotten and left to live in this hell hole. No-one cares about me, I will always be second best. I want to be better, funnier, kinder, thinner, calmer and happier. I am a walking disaster. Everything I want I can’t get. I was trying to pick some grapes the other day and I couldn’t get them off the vine. I thought that if I was beautiful I wouldn’t struggle to pick the grapes. Just typing that makes me feel like I’m mad.

I am tired and angry all the time. My GP has put me on sertraline and mirtazapine but it doesn’t help the pain I feel. I am utterly, utterly miserable. I can't stop crying and I just want to not do this anymore. Please help me.

sorry your past has been so tough, I would have lost it too with all that happening! sounds like you can do with a break.
do have any one to confide in, some one to listen in real life?

with regards to the universe being against you, its is more likely to put things in your path when you need them not want. sounds unfair, but it generally goes 'you get back what you put out' basically attract what you believe. there is book I really recommend called the secret by rhonda byrne.
im not a happy go lucky person who skips everywhere, I suffer with borderline personality disorder as well as anxiety/depression and have many dark days. its hard when people say to me keep positive, even when life hurts you we just need to keep going. x

You poor poor girl- NONE of the things you have written about yourself are real- they are all things your brain has absorbed from your past and are LIES.
You sound like you are chronically and deeply depressed. How long have you been taking your meds and what dose are you on? I also think you need some individual psychotherapy to undo some of the damage you have had inflicted on you.
Can I just say that all these thoughts and feelings are NOT you; they are symptoms of an illness that can be cured.

I would bet my life on your not being the horrible person you think you are! It sounds like you're very depressed - stick with Sertraline and Mirtazapine (I too take this cocktail, but for anxiety), as these drugs do take a few weeks to work.

IME describing yourself as doomed can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. So what if your FIL ripped the marriage certificate? Surely that's not what matters; you and your husband matter. I read some research once that suggests that people who consider themselves lucky actually do experience more 'luck' as they're relaxed enough to spot opportunity, which often knocks quietly (as someone else once said).

Which isn't to diminish the lies and abuse from those around you that you're describing. It sounds like you've taken their lies on board. Fuck them - what sort of people abuse other people in that way? You can change this - take back some control and set some boundaries.

Big hugs to you xxx

Thank you all for taking the time to respond.

I don't have any friends and DH is trying his best, he's even suggested 'upgrading' my engagement ring to try and cheer me up but it's just made me feel like a grabby bitch.

happyfrown Thank you, I have had The Secret recommended to me a few times now. I'm worried if I read it and my life carries on the way it is it will just confirm that I'm going to suffer forever. I want to be positive but I deeply believe that I am incapable of happiness.

peachypips Thank you, I have been on Mirtazipine for two years. It didn't really help but it instantly fixed my insomnia so I stayed on it. I was on 50mg but now I'm on 15mg and take 50mg of Sertraline. My GP is impossible to get a hold of, I book appointments 6-8 weeks in advance. I was told to come back after two weeks so they could check the dose and that was in July. I can't drive and have to be ferried everywhere. I'm also not sure what to say to the GP, I feel a bit silly. I go in and we speak for less than five minutes. My surgery is very busy and so I spoke to the Pharmacist he suggested therapy and wrote this on my notes. When I saw the GP he missed this note and I didn't know how to bring it up. I feel permanently stuck at 12 years old.

This may sound strange but sometimes I'm not sure if I am depressed I'm not sure how to explain it but I get up and go to work and do everything I am supposed to. I think maybe I'm just a bit useless.

LuckyBitches Thank you, I think it's like learned helplessness for me. I hoped to have a good wedding not because I wanted to show off but because I needed to have a good start to our married life and I needed to know that I was lovable and deserved a good life and that didn't happen. I didn't have much of a home growing up and I hoped to make a beautiful home with DH and that won't happen, I'm so tired of having to fight my way through life, I'm 25 so I could have another 50 years of this. I'm too scared to hope and say the things I want out aloud in case the universe finds out and gives me the opposite.

Hi toska I don't know how I stumbled across your post but somehow I did and I couldn't not reply. I just wanted to tell you that some of your story sounds very similar to mine. It seems like each individual problem would be manageable on its own, but all together it's too much to try and handle. So, one at a time you can start to break down each issue and find a way to deal with it. For starters it sounds like you married an amazing person, who fell in love with you for who you are. Secondly, part of how we recover is just going through the motions of life, whilst behind the scenes we work on bits of ourselves that need work - kind of 'fake it till you make it'. I feel like I have a lot to say, but don't want to hog your thread so if you want to chat feel free to message me!