can't get over a work mistake

[minipin]

Hi, I rarely post but am feeling so low tonight . I have GAD, and am a health professional. I'm on escitalopram but haven't had any since end of May as I convinced myself I was better and they were making me put on weight. I've gradually been getting more anxious but then on Thursday my boss called me in for a meeting to tell me about a mistake I have made , she told me I needed to apologise to two colleagues for a referral error I'd made that upset them. I did this, and they were both fine...but I can't let it go. It just goes round and round my head and even if I get distracted for a while it comes back with a vengeance, then I feel guilty for having relaxed for a while. How do I stop this? Can't sleep or rest, worried I am sliding down again and will have to go off sick. Any help or tips would be gratefully received.

Sorry you're feeling low. Was this really a mistake on your part, or just something your boss would have done differently? Do you think your two colleagues really expected an apology?

There might be several reasons why you can't let this go. Maybe you feel aggrieved at being upbraided for something unjustly, and being humiliated by being made to apologise to colleagues, or you actually acted in error, and it has knocked your confidence about how you are performing your job. Are either of those feelings part of your anxiety about this incident?

Thankyou so much for replying! I did mess up, I think because I felt anxious and rushed. I responded too quickly to a call from an upset patient and didn't grasp all the facts correctly. I didn't mind apologising at all, but am annoyed at the way my boss handled it. I can't make up my mind if I just have very poor judgement or she is just being very dramatic. My nhs job often makes me feel really low in confidence and not supported and anxious, I do some private work and generally feel ok there. The nhs is just increasingly a tough place to be and I don't think I'm up to it. How to get over this incident though??

I get obsessive thoughts and often about work (professional not med) It's really horrible isn't it? Look, objectively and rationally this sounds fine and prob also like an overreaction on their part. People make mistakes yours has been dealt with. But you're not in that zone, you're in the misery lost perspective zone. First and most importantly IT ALWAYS GOES AWAY! no matter how much of a grip it has of me and I can't sleep, eat etc, eventually it always goes and life is good again. So you just have to hang in there until your brain leaves you alone. I get anxious at the thought of your anxiety and how anxious I have got. We are worried about getting worried. Force yourself to smile grimly at this absurdity. Can you start your Citalopram again now? Are you sleeping? Here's what I do when in the grip. Write down the scenario I'm worried about, the worst case scenario and what could happen and what I would do. Try to force myself to accept I have worked through it and didn't need to go over again. Get back on meds. stop all caffeine as makes me more anxious. I know it's hard when you're shattered but running or cycling will dial down my anxiety. I Make sure I force yourself to eat, not eating makes me more jumpy and anxious. I Listen to podcasts - getting ready, running, as I'm trying to sleep. I Have hot baths. Play chess with DH or some other similar thing that takes up my full attention. Meet up with people and talk to them about their stuff. Basically I try to tire my body and keep my brain busy and to confuse it by introducing lots of other things, to distance it from what it wants to comb over and over and over. You're not abnormal or weird you're overwrought. It will pass. Look after yourself X

Thankyou so much for your helpful reply, have had lots of caffeine plus red wine today... durrr! Will start off better in morning. Think most of my patients would be surprised at how shit I am feeling whilst looking after them and how bad I am at sorting myself out. You really need a thick skin to survive in the nhs now.

It's hard with this sort of feeling - you don't know if the job is making you anxious or if anxiety is making you think you're not up to the job.

Yip - have medics in my immed family - don't envy them or you one bit! give yourself a break

Other side of the coin is if you didn't respond to your client and something would of happened then you would of been hauled over the coals. Damed if you do or damed if you don't

I think nhs staff have alot to cope with people are so quick to point out the negative.

Think your boss could of handled it better, by asking you to apologise just puts you at a disadvantage straight away.

Feelings do pass (I'm not being flippant) we can't be up forever like we can't be down forever. Maybe a break would be a good idea to put some distance between the incident. Take heart in all the good things you do & have done, I'm sure you won't be defined by this one issue

Thankyou for all your responses really appreciate it , think am getting a bit of perspective back. .or just finally getting sleepy!

I'm new here but didn't want to read and run as your post struck a chord with me. When working in the NHS I made an error, nobody was harmed but the patient wrote an awful letter of complaint (that I saw). I was absolutely devastated. My supervisor simply told me not to worry about it, everyone makes mistakes. I cried for days and could not stop thinking about it. So I completely understand how you are feeling. All I can say is that it will pass. The NHS is a brutal place to work.

Thissameearth has given some very good advice. Do you have someone in your department that you can confide in? I felt better once I was honest about how I was feeling with the people I work with (the ones that I knew would be understanding).

Does trying to minimise your anxieties and reassure yourself work for you?

I don't think you have poor judgement. I think your boss sounds.......well, like a typical back-covering boss, who needs to be seen to be 'doing her job' to bolster her own self-esteem, and your colleagues probably weren't actually that bothered! It doesn't sound like it should have been that big a deal. From what friends tell me, working in the NHS is incredibly stressful atm.

Is there any scope for increasing the amount of private work you do? You feel comfortable with working privately, which many people would be worried about doing, without an organisation behind them. That indicates to me that you should be very confident in your judgement and ability to do the job.

If you can't let this particular incident go, would you consider taking escitalopram again for a while? I don't know whether you feel the side effects outweigh the benefits, but it might be worth trying it again to regain your equilibrium?

Thankyou so much! Will ring gp to restart med in morning. Thankyou sunshine, it helps to have someone understand. Will try to extricate myself even more from nhs I think. The prevailing mood atm is very much defensive and justifying why we aren't giving a good standard of service. It's doing me in!
Thankyou so much letitia for your thoughtful posts, and thissamearth for your ideas.

How you getting on OP? Has the grip subsided?