Not even sure what I'm doing here

[Dafad]

In a long time reader but reluctant poster but it's come to a point where I need to just put down in words how I'm feeling before I explode.
I'm 37, mum to a teenager, 7 and 5 year old. I live with my long term partner of 22 years, my school sweetheart you could say. I have a good job, in fact I'm just about to start a new one and should be looking forward to it but the truth is I'm miserable.
I hate the way I look, I eat because I'm miserable and I'm just putting more and more weight on meaning I'm more and more miserable. I don't feel loved by my partner, I'm sure that's my issue more than his, due to health problems we have not been very intimate the last year so have tried to make an effort but am getting turned down. The house is a tip, literally a tip! Every room is piled up with junk, I can't see the carpet in mine or any of the kids bedrooms and the washing is out of control and I can't get on top of it. We came back from holiday yesterday and instead of feeling relaxed and rejuvenated I just want to sit and wallow and cry. I'm tired but can't sleep. I feel lost. I feel like I've lost my purpose in life

When I was a student I used to get bouts of not being able to do any work. Nothing by awy of illness, just unabke to concentrate. That lead to frustration and a spiral. A lecturer said to me that when life is getting in the way of studying and you can't concentrate... It is sometimes good to do something simple like tidy the house. Even though you are not doing what you need, (studying) it will make you feel better for distracting yourself from the things you actually need to do.

I tried it and it seemed to work. The benefit was that the flat ocassionaly got tidied up.

This was me last year. I ended up having a breakdown as I just couldn't breathe.
My house was full of everything. My washing piles were everywhere. No one helped me and I felt like I was being swallowed whole by this black hole that was my house. If I cleaned you wouldn't even notice.
Then my partners gran was ill so we was needed up north (we live down south ) and everyone was going. Except me.
Having those few days to sort my head out helped and when they came back 10 days later I felt amazing, the house was clean (I paid a man and van to do tip run) and I had taken all the washing up to the laundrette.
I felt for the first time in a long time I could breathe.
Clean house clean mind finally made sense to me.
So now, my partner takes the kids every few weeks out for the whole day (usually over 8 hours ) and I just need that. I do the house work and I chill out.
With the weight thing, don't do it as a chore. Do it because that's "you time" Working out is best form of anti - depressant so they say. I do it to think. To kick the s##t out of a bag and then everything is released. By no means am I better. I'm having a bad day today. I just want to lay down and never get back up.
I need a break from life. From everyone. But there is light at the end of the tunnel. For you.

Have you seen your GP about this, they may be able to help. You sound really low at the moment. Have you talked to your partner about how you are feeling?