I need help

[Maisieclaire123]

My son has just turned 1 was born perm via emergency c section. I have not bonded with him at all feel so shit and empty all the time. I kept thinking it will come it will come but it hasn't. When I look at him I feel the same as looking at anyone's baby. I avoid looking after him we live with my mum she does most of the caring for him.I can get up and do everything and act normal for about 3 days then after that I just can't force myself to pretend anymore! I don't want him but I do! It doesn't even make sense to me! My mum thinks I just don't like my life and I just need to get on with it. But I've tried that I keep thinking I'll feel better but I don't. I avoid everyone and sleep for hrs and hrs at a time. I get up as everyone goes to bed. I feel so empty inside I'm lost. I just want to run away!

[Wolfiefan]

Have you spoken to anyone about how you feel? It sounds very like post natal depression and trauma following the birth. Can you speak to your GP?

[Maisieclaire123]

No I haven't spoke to anyone. I've phoned the gp a couple of times and couldn't get an appointment and the receptionists are that rude or takes me weeks and weeks to build up to call. My sister has phoned the health visitor that still comes to see my son because me he was so early. And told her she's coming on Friday to see me. But I'm dreading it I don't like her very much and I'm scared she'll take my son away if I tell her the truth about how I feel about him! All my mum has done tonight is shout at me and tell me she's had enough and she not doing it anymore. She's Ill and I've left her to look after my son. I feel Betrayed by her and my sister. They know how I feel but haven't tried to talk to me until yesterday when I just couldn't force myself to get up at all! And instead of trying to talk to me when I can force myself to get up. When she knows how it feels to struggle with ur feelings she suffers depression her self. Why do that why not talk to me first and she could of came to the docs with me instead of involving the health visitor that I don't even like! How can I tell her how I feel! I feel guilty enough without her judging me!

[Turntopage394]

Take each day one step at a time I was the same with my first born there was no sudden rush of love when I had him but slowly it got easier and as he developed his own little personality I realised how much joy he brought me roll on another five years and I've just had my second DS this February who I love dearly but the PND and anxiety this time around is crippling, like you I could spend all day asleep and would but I have to force myself to get up and do somthing even just going to the shops sometimes is a struggle but if I get up and do it I tell myself that' it's an accomplishment even if it is just a little one sometimes just achieving somthing small in a day can help, my mum also has deppresion and sometimes lacks compassion but I have to remind myself that it's not always her fault. The health visitor won't take your son from you so please don't worry about that they are there to help after all.

[Maisieclaire123]

Thanks. I don't even go to the shops anymore I just order everything in. I avoid going out at all costs! He's starting to get his own personality now and still I feel nothing. What if I never feel anything for him? I was so looking forward to being a mum I thought it would be amazing having this Wee person relying on u for everything and that I would love with everything I had not this. I feel so so so guilty I don't do or take him anywhere going out is just to scary and I can't cope! The anxiety is killing me I handed in my notice at work instead of going back after my mat leave because I just couldn't. I keep coming out in a rash as well and every time it's getting worse and worse. The only place he gets his out to walk the dog on the days i can manage that! Or if it's nice sitting out the backdoor and that's only if the neighbours aren't there in case they want to talk to me. If I could find the strength to just walk out the door I would.

[Turntopage394]

It's hard sometimes I understand there are days where I'm that antisocial I don't even want to talk to my own family and half the time I don't even realise I'm doing it , being a parent is the hardest job in the world but can be the most rewarding , the reason you don't feel anything is because of the depression it leaves you void of emotion. For times when it's hard to cope I would suggest a grounding exercise (Google it ) it won't get rid of the anxiety but can help you ride through it when it's bad.