I think I have a personality disorder

[DarkDarkNight]

I know there is something wrong with me. I have felt it as far back as junior school, where I felt so empty. I do not relate to people in a normal way. I feel like I have a lot of symptoms of a personality disorder - the anxious/avoidant type, but also some aspects of BPD.

Recently I feel like the walls are coming down on me. I cannot cope with the pressures of my life - single parent, low income, debt, a job I hate that makes me feel on edge and anxious, increasing jealousy towards people because they have a nice life when I feel like I am falling apart. I find it hard to imagine I will ever be able to cope.

Once my son is in bed I am so exhausted I can't do anything. I sit up and do nothing at all, and fall asleep downstairs or increasingly I cry. Sometimes I can't hold it together and cry in front of him. I broke down a few weeks ago in front of my mum and son, he was so upset and copying what my mum was saying telling me I needed to go to the Dr, and I had to get better.

I can't carry on like this. I want to be a good mum, but I can't snap out of it. I don't think I will bring myself to go to a Dr. I am so afraid of being thought badly of, it will feel like admitting I am failing. It has got worse since I had my son, I think it has brought all my anxieties to the fore.

I'm sorry this is so long, do people cope alone with these problems, I don't know how to get through life like this. I have no friends, the only person I can talk to is my mum and she doesn't understand why I can't just be happy.

I think you sound depressed more than anything else. You really should speak to your gp, they can help.

Don't cope alone, OP. I wish I could write more and point you to the right places to get help, but I don't know enough about the right things. Hopefully some other poster will know. Don't' be afraid to try and get help. It sounds as if your Mum is aware you're unhappy. Would she be able to go to the Dr with you about this?

Don't listen to pride and shame. Just find the next thing that helps and keep going. Follow the thread. It doesn't have to be perfect, just human, connected and doing what's possible

I think I am depressed, I feel overwhelmed and anxious, but I feel like a silly little girl and a GP would think I am wasting their time. I have always had feelings of emptiness, but it is so much worse since I had my son. I was so anxious when he was born I wouldn't leave the house in case he cried, I felt utterly helpless when I was on my own with him. I don't feel good enough for him, I dread him getting older and choosing to live with his dad, but I know that he will.

With the personality disorder, I just feel abnormal in the way I interact with people. It's horrible, I am sulky, I hold grudges for a long, long time. I feel like I go out of my way to make people as unhappy as I am. My ex used to beg me to stop and think, but I would cut off my nose to spite my face. I find it very difficult to back down and admit I am wrong. I don't think I react in a normal way to little things.

I can relate so much to this. I've felt like I've never really fitted in and avoided many social situations. Having Ds2 has made it worse. I finally booked to see my Gp yesterday and cried to him. I explained how hard it was to explain all this to him and now stupid I felt going the Drs and he reassured me I wasn't and that he sees many cases of mental health. I'm now on waiting list for therapy and going back in two weeks to see if I've thought any more about AD's. Mine is very embaracing - I'm just clingy to my partner, feel like I can't live without him, if we fall out I feel like I can't cope with life. Also after my second son was born a year ago I've become obsessed with another man - totally unhealthy but I'm trying to sort it all now. Hope you're okay x