moan moan whinge whinge

[Tortington]

i put this in the depressed section becuase, i think people will avoid it for the most part!

i have a slightly disassociated feeling - ever so slightly. not noticeable to family.

i feel down rather than depressed, a benign resignation that day after day is shit. I have been depressed in the past and this definitley isn't that. i dont feel despair and hopelessness. i dont feel like i am at the bottom of a dark hole and can't get out. rather i feel like i am an old bra thrown in the wash with anything and therefore i am grey.

so if depression was a colour it would be black - agreed?

i feel grey or beige definatley non descript.

now this isn't just a 'little' phase its been going on for weeks. i have no interest in work - which isn't surprising as its shit. i've been looking for a job practically since i got there - 5 years ago.

i have to force myself to go to bed at a reasonable hour becuase i can't stand the thought of another day of drudgery.

now i know everyone has drudgery, but they have something to look forward to, something to aim for, something in the future.

i swear i can't see anything.

now, thing is i dont want help from you. not that i like rolling around in my own greyness wallowing in grey stuff. its not a chemicle imbalance. its 18 months of shite. if i am truly honest with myself its 5 years of shite. it was shite before that but i had a great job, great friends so - its wasn't all shite. Particularly the last 18 months and the last 6 have been the pits. a series of shytes have landed on me from a great height.

so not chemicle imbalance. i dont want pills. i need a new life. trouble is i'm stuck. financial pressures assure my work drudgery. i hate this house, i cannot move ( dont ask just take my word I can't) and i have never defined my 'self' by the greatness of my children. of course - like you think yours are , mine are great. but thats about just enough to stop me screaming at the top of my voice until i pass out.

i dont want to do night classes - i am fucked when i get home from work - i can hardly cope with alternate cooking, washing up homework blah de blah.
jesus i could write a book.

my happyness has gone. i know only i can make a change. bbut the changes i want to make are not feasable ( house, job) not in the short term anyway.

i keep looking skyward and thinking "lord, just gimme a break!" my life is like one fucking tragic event after another, theres only so much a person can take surely? i've had my share lord, move on!

thanks.

Custy, actually, it does pretty much sound like you are depressed my lovely.

Sorry you are having a shite time.

No reason why your current circumstances shouldnt make you depressed iykwim?

Im pretty sure there are things you could do, maybe not your first choice, but, a choice, at least. Have you thought much about compromise?

comprimise in what way?

Oh custy - it sounds shit.

Have no answers or suggestions but just wanted to respond.

You sound depressed to me too. Not really badly, that awful black hole thing that you describe but bad enough for you not to get any enjoyment out of anything.

I found that being in a job I hated (and was being bullied in) really, really affected my mood. I didn't realise how much until I got out.

Would you really not consider any ad's just to get the edge off it?

oh custardo

you are depressed

and maybe instead of giant steps..baby steps...

no night classes, or moving house or whatever else..

but time to do something lovely for yourself, once in a while....

to make this shit more tolerable

you are very adept at looking at a situation, cutting through the crap and making insightful and and incisive comments

you need to turn that in on yourself and make some small, to start with , helpful changes

don;t know if that helps at all, but best i can do x

I know others are saying you are depressed but, as you say, you have been depressed before, and this is different. You are feeling knackered and run down. You are feeling unappreciated and unworthy. Life is crap and has been for a while, you know it's up to you to change it but lack the energy or the inclination. Only the fact that you have children is preventing you from walking away from everything and trying to find something better, but you don't really believe that anything else will be that much better anyway. It sounds very familiar to me, and I don't believe I am depressed either. Just looking for the magic ingredient that will make it all better and like you want it to be. It's too true that bad news never had good timing, and the way you feel about one tragic thing after another happening to you is what is dragging you down even further. Just when you think you've hit rock bottom, something else comes along to make you realise that there is yet further to fall, but it will stop, you just feel as though it hasn't yet. I agree about not adding to your troubles by enrolling in night classes or anything - that will only give you one more thing to have to do, and you've got enough on your plate already. It might be hard to get going, and all too easy to talk yourself out of it, but let other people do nice things for you. Treat yourself to an aromatherapy massage or dinner out. Baby steps, and seemingly irrelevant, but it's these little pampering gestures that make life a bit less mundane without you having to go to great efforts. Even just sitting up listening to music and nursing a drink for an hor after everyone has gone to bed. I look forward to that time of day. And when things are feeling really shit, just remember 'this too will pass'. I'm sorry if that sounds trivial and insubstantial, but it was advice my Dad gave me, and it does help to lift you out of the negative mindset that often threatens to envelope your every waking thought. Sorry, love. Hope you can work through it. It can get better, even if it feels as though it never will.

Well, I think I know why you cant move. IIRC you had a thread about it.

So, compromise could be that maybe you could sell and rent instead? If it would make you happier to be out of the house than in?

With regard to other stuff - careerwise - what do you want to do? Could you jack in your job and get a grant to retrain?

and also compromise by lowering the standards against which you are holding yourself, and giving yourself a break.

grumpy - you nailed it!

vvq, i rent, cant afford to buy. can't afford to take a career break and re-train.

big hugs babe xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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Hi Custy I'm really sorry that you feel so bad. Would you consider going to your GP - you say that you are feeling really tired. Get them to do a batch of tests on you - you could be rundown or anaemic or anything. Tell them how you are feeling physically and mentally. If you are feeling this low, hopefully they will give you a sick note to get some quality time off work. I had a bad experience with a manager a few years ago, no big deal but stupid me let it take over my life and I ended up close to physical and mental breakdown. If you could get signed off work, it might just give you a bit of time to clear your head and see the wood for the trees. Find something that works for you - yoga or massage or reflexology - >anything that makes you feel better. Because you don't deserve to feel this way and you owe it to yourself to put yourself first.

When you're feeling a little bit stronger maybe talk to a lifecoach or a recruitment consultant, get your confidence back up and get yourself ready for a job or a career change.

You are probably trying to be strong for other people as well, theres no shame in saying "I'm finding it hard - I need an ear and a shoulder".

Hope I don't sound glib, but I know what its like when you can't see a way out. Hope everything works out for you.

my mum broke down on the phone she basically said the same as you...i guess sometimes we get ourselves in a rut and we think theres no way out, i life is not what it expected would be, day in day out bit but you know as much as you feel this way its a good thing cos you've come to a point where you're ready to make a change. you've had a gutful thats the first step now have the courage to look at what is you can change.

Custy, xxxxxxx and lots of hugs.

Its because you spend all your time giving, you are one of life's givers and all givers run out of steam every now and then.

Wish I knew a magic cure.

You have been giving to your family for so long, your children have reached the age when you might be able to see the end of their dependency on you but that's scary as well isn't it.

I hate February, its the worst month.