I have NC for this as I really don't want it attached to my other posts.
I suffer from anxiety and always have done I think, I've always been a worrier even as a child. I used to have OCD rituals or else I thought my family or I would die. I've been to therapy a few times as a child but I don't think it really helped so haven't really explored it as an adult, plus I can't afford private therapy.
I've had a few traumatic things happen to me since childhood and I've always been of the mindset that you just carry on, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, there are people suffering a lot worse than me etc. But for the last few years my anxiety has been very bad and since the birth of my DD I would say crippling. I have had diazepam before when I was passing out due to panic attacks a few years ago but didn't want to take medication on an ongoing basis. I think I've really minimised my anxiety to a lot of people over the years that I've convinced myself that I'm not actually ill and just being a drama queen?
My brain is constantly on the go, I don't think I've ever truly relaxed, I feel my mood is heightened all the time. Even when I'm pretty happy if say I'm more manic than happy? I suffer with mini panics at least 25+ times a day (around 10-15 on a really good day)- I can only describe these as being hit by a ton of bricks as I'm winded and can't breathe but they are only for a few seconds or a minute at the most. It's like having a constant hangover, you know when you feel panic, guilt and shame the day after a heavy drinking session...
They have got so bad that a few weeks ago I felt suicidal, I didn't want my DD to see me like this or grow up resenting the fact that I'm totally mental. I don't think that I would ever do this but I feel that I can't carry on like this, but I don't know if I'm being dramatic?
The thing is I have a great life my DP is lovely and supportive, I have a healthy DD, lovely home but I feel that if anyone knew how I thought they'd take my child off me and lock me up. I think that some people in my life would relish the fact that I'm struggling and to take my baby off me or at least say 'I knew you couldn't do it, let me do it properly'
I'm sleep deprived which I don't think helps, but I'm still BF and really want to try for another baby soon so don't want to be medicated...I don't know what to do anymore, I'm not even sure there is anything that can be done- maybe this is as good as it gets?
Sorry for the essay- I'm not even sure what I want to be honest.