I think I messed up

[CrazyCatMum]

Was supposed to phone the crisis team today and I did but it went to answer machine and I thought they had closed early, couldn't work it out.
Phoned OOH's CPN's asked for a female was told it would be put in my notes, an hour later a male phoned, I panicked he told me no females available but I could phone back later and see if someone was free.
Phoned breathing space asked for female told to phone the number I had just phoned and I would get a female eventually.
I can't work it out, I can't breath, can't think straight, I have my yellow and blue card with my crisis numbers on and I can't get any of them to work. Feel sick, am trying am doing what they say I have to do when I'm struggling but it feels like everything is working against me, it's feels like a sign.
I can't work it out and I'm scared

You can get through this, there should be someone available 24/7 from crisis team although can't garentee it will be a female. Remember you can ring samaritans any time too if you are strugling to speak to someone via crisis team. I know things can be incredibly scary, remember all things pass and this bad time will too.

I understand that there can't always be a female, it was the way they dismissed me. It's so hard for me to speak to anyone, to trust them and i feel like I've shut down again.
Can't speak to the Samaritans as they seem to go in for long silences and I can't cope with that.
I don't know what to do, well I do but I'm always getting told I can't or its wrong or think of your children, I want to scream at them to shut up, go away, they don't have to live in my head.
I feel like they are all fed up of me, that they want me to go away, I'm getting more and more paranoid over everything.
I can't sleep, can't breath, can't function, it's just a mess, the tears don't stop, the panic, the thoughts, the images it's all too much.

Big hugs sorry things are still so tough. Do you have a CPN who is seeing you? I think Samaritans have an email service too if that would work better than phone.

crazycatmum I know that the crisis team where I am go to answer machine if there is no one in the office at that time. I found that if I leave a message someone calls me back. Could you leave a message? I just leave name, number. Is your crisis team 24 hours as I thought most of them were?

I get the 'you have to think of your children' I don't think that some people realise that saying that actually makes things worse.

Don't give up on speaking to them catmum- it didn't go quite to plan at a time when you are finding things difficult enough as it is. They do want to help you. Try again.

Keep trying lovely, at least leave a message, hugs to you x

I didn't know there was an answermachine, just thought it was an automated message and panicked.
OOH Cpns, crisis team and duty workers all worker at different times but between them the 24 hours is covered.
I phoned my cpn yesterday but instead of her calling me back someone else did and I did my usual and panicked and couldn't speak.
I haven't heard from th crisis team since the start of the week, I know I'm getting more and more paranoid, feel like they are waiting for me to kill myself because I'm a burden to everyone.
I have the psychiatrist next week and I'm already trying to think up reasons why I can't go, I'm just wasting their time, wasting everyone's time.
Nothing feels real anymore I just messed up again

Turns out I don't need to worry about an excuse for cancelling psychiatrist just had a letter cancelling it.
It's all out of control, I'm out of control but I'm also done with it all

You can get through thism hang on in there. It may be that your CPN wasnt in today and other people want to help you too. There are people there for you.

I don't see it like that, it feels like they are all against me, that they don't believe me. I'm scared, I don't know who I'm supposed to trust anymore or who I'm supposed to believe
Not even sure if this makes sense

Hello CrazyCatMum
This time of night is difficult when you are anxious. The night ahead seems so long, and the morning so distant. But we are all here, happy to listen, and help if we can
Take care

Thank you,
I hate this, I don't feel safe, my son has gone to stay at his friends tonight and I couldn't say no you can't go because I'm not coping and planing on not being here. He's been through so much and needs to be a child, my other 2 kids have left home and left him on his own with his 'mad' mum'

I go from feeling so empty to over flowing with emotions. I can't find a middle safe ground.
I'm tired of feeling like this, it feels like if I was an animal I would have been put to sleep by now.
Life is pointless, things that I'm suppose to like/enjoy just draws a blank.

It's all a mess and I can't fix it