Sent the babies to my mums feeling like a bad mum

[Lil292]

I'm feeling awful today. I have suspected bipolar and have been suffering years, currently waiting a psyc evaluation and on 100mg of Zoloft, hopefully getting the medication changed Monday as has just not been working at all.

A few weeks ago I was fine but these last 5 days have hit me hard and I'm suffering more than ever. I'm constantly over thinking things, crying, I just sit in a dark room and I always want to be alone. I haven't got dressed in days, I act hostile towards everyone. I had a bath today and just cried the whole way through and contemplated drinking the bleach on the top shelf. I don't think I'm ever doing to get better, my kids need better than me.

The only way I can describe my emotions is either being over the top or numb and feeling nothing at all. My babies need a mum who gets up every day gets dressed takes them out socialises with other mum and just does mum things, how can I do that when all I want to do is lie in a dark room and cry. They need consistency and although I'm normal sometimes they need it all the time. I'm so afraid that I will never be the mum they deserve even with help or that I won't get help. I just want to end it but I'm too scared.

My daughter is 5 months old and my son is 19 months. I've sent them to my mums for tonight and tomorrow and she will take them out during the day. for now I just want to be alone in the dark and sleep.

I can't stand feeling like this and to top it off now feel I'm failing them

I'm so sorry to hear this. I have 5 month twins and life can sometimes seem unbearable. It's good you are getting treatment. Your babies need you and will love you unconditionally. It's lovely your mum can help out. I don't really have any advice but wish you and your family all the best

You aren't failing them, you sound bloody amazing, being a mum is hard, being a mum to 2 little ones is harder and doing this whilst struggling with your mental health, that's amazing.

I'm so sorry you are going through this and i hope you get the support you are waiting for very soon. Hold on, it'll get better

don't feel bad. My kids have gone to my mums…but my kids are able to voice how they feel.

As I said goodbye I apologised to my eldest for not being a good mum at the moment (crying, hiding in my room, not going out, finding the household chores difficult, being a stressful). He said that he has fun anyway, that just being here at home, with me, is fun even if I don't seem to do much.

It takes a while for mediation to do anything. I feel like my tablets must be 'empty' or something or they've replaced them with placebos….

What I'm trying to say is that you don't have to do 'much' for your kids to love you and need you and like being around you. You just have to be you and although you feel like you are being crap your kids will think the world of you. And things can only get better as well- just imagine how ace you will be when you are well xxx

You can feel better. I've been where you are so many times, but nothing stays the same.

I was diagnosed with bipolar 6 years ago, after I had PND. Sertraline was what triggered the bipolar for me. It's not good to be on an antidepressant without a mood stabiliser if you're bipolar. The right medication can make a massive difference, along with psychological input to help manage symptoms and understand triggers. I really hope your appointment helps. It's a really, really long road to begin to understand the illness. I still get poorly, but I also have a happy and stable life in between. Sometimes it's a case of just coping in the here and now. Sorry for just a short message. I'm putting the kids to bed.

Take time for yourself, your kids are safe with your mum, you are a brilliant mum, you recognised that you can not cope at the moment and you made sure your kids were cared for.

I have done the same a few times over the past 2 months and have sent my dc's to their dads. Today I felt I was sinking again so I went back to my GP to change my medication, I know how you feel, I often feel I am letting my kids down, my dc's are older and they see a lot that they shouldn't, the last few weeks they have had to do a lot for themselves as I have been unable to get up and moving .

You are doing everything you can, you are being a good mum, sort out your medication with your GP, there are loads of different options and sometimes it just takes a while to find the right thing for you.