I don't know where else to go/post/or talk to anyone. I'm just hoping someone here may listen.
I feel like my life is unravelling right in front of me and I don't know where to start or if I even have anything left to give. I have 2 DC, and DH has rapid cycling Bipolar disorder (which is fairly well managed) I am always the strong one, I put everyone else first and I just bottle stuff up or keep quiet.
It has hit me that I think I have been brainwashed my whole life. Long story, but basically we live in Germany, we have a '2 generation house' that we share with my parents, although at present basically no privacy or separation. My Mum is so selfish! She is lazy and greedy at the same time. She has huge jealousy issues and resents anyone who has more than she does.
My parents, mosty Mum, made no secret that my brother was/is their favourite child. I was ignored as a child, and always second. I suffered terrible bullying at school but what made it worse is that my parents could not put on a united front and things became worse when they saw it as a competition between them. If I followed ones advice the other would punish me. When I was 13 I was severely depressed and I tried to commit suicide. Rather than it being a wake up call to my parents, instead it concreted their opinion that I was an attention seeker. I have spent pretty much the rest of my life just wanting to be approved by them. If they ask for something I do my best to do it. I have given up my own relationships with people to be 'loyal' to my parents. I have somehow bought in to this idea that my parents deserve better, and as a 'child' parents get things first.
DH and I wanted to emigrate about 4 years ago and had plans to move to Germany and rent. At the same time my Mum told me about how they also wanted to move, and more over that they had to. She had messed up their mortgage so much they could only afford to buy abroad. As my plans (which were made first) came in line with theirs, we should 'help' eachother out with this shared house thing. My parents appeared to accept that DH and I had certain requirements from a house (basic things, bathroom, privacy, secure garden), I came house hunting with both my parents. They wanted to buy this house, and promised that as soon as we moved in they would make changes to make my flat, so it met our basic requirements. Also that house would be left to me upon their deaths. In turn I would have to pay everyones household bills for the rest of their lives - which is a lot more expensive for DH and I than renting. We got here, and they blew all the house money on an over priced car. None of the promises were fulfilled. We however are expected to still pay for everything, additionally, now, because they have no money and did't want to pay for a survey, DH and I have to pay to fix a serious damp problem, rotten timber in the roof and crumbling walls in the cellar - and we will only get 50% of the house.
Nothing I do is enough for them, every job (decorating, gardening, anything) I do, could have been done better. Now I am in this situation where what they want from me means that my family gets less. At present DH and I can't move out. I feel like an utter fool, I feel like nothing more than a slave to them. DH had spoken to them a couple of months ago about money, and that this agreement won't work. My mum spends the day guilt tripping me about how this decision needs to go back to normal, and how they are suffering because of me. Neither my parents have proper jobs, they do paper rounds and some post deliverly, which doesn't pay very much at all. Neither of them will get proper jobs, apparently it is demeaning to 'whore yourself out' in applying for jobs, and their not prepared to do that becaue of me.
I feel absolutely useless, and on the other hand so angry that they have imprinted this mind set on me. I bend over backwards trying to please everyone, but came to this realisation that my parents are trying every manipulation they have, to make sure I never have more than them, which extends to quality of life.
I just don't know where to start trying to fix this. I don't actually think I can.