A MH WWYD all (gentle) thoughts welcome

[ThatsNumberWang]

Have name changed for this.
I have no idea what to do.
My MIL (who I have no problem with and like) has booked a big family holiday in France for lots of members of her side of the family, our family are included, we weren't invited as such just told we were going about 18 months ago.

It takes place next week, I am ill, I have OCD, GAD, HA, clinical depression and an eating disorder, been ill for 30ish years, comes and goes in varying degrees. I am terrified of travel (both travelling and being away from home) however usually, or at least so far in the past when we have planned and taken trips I have been in a place where I have been able to go, this time I feel I am not. I am already struggling massively, I had a fairly severe episode two weeks ago, I have suicidal thoughts and am battling the urge to self harm. I think going might break me.

These are the scenerios that worry me the most:
Not being able to get in the car to leave
Not being able to get on the Ferry
Insisting on turning around and returning home at some point before arrival
Not being able to leave my bedroom and or speak or interact with anyone whilst there
Not being able to eat the entire time (likely)
Having a total screaming mess breakdown while there in front of other people
Having to cut the holiday short to return home
Not being able to come back (car/ferry etc)

All of the above mainly don't want to go through in front of young-ish dc's who know I have MH issues, but I obviously shelter from the fallout as much as is humanly possible.

Told the dc's this morning that we may not be able to go, one is meh, the other is heartbroken, dp is sad but supportive, but his parents are elderly and he would very much like to go, they very very much want us there.

Also if I have a huge breakdown on return (or there) there is a possibility of me not being able to look after the dc's, therefore dp not being able to work (SE) and us all being totally shafted as we will have no money. I haven't had that kind of breakdown in over 15 years and not since having children but have had several in the past.

At the moment (as I have many times in the past) wishing I had stayed single and never had children and not inflicted myself on them in this way, I am a horrible, useless person and they deserve so so much better as they are all lovely, I can't bear to hurt and let them down like this, but I am teetering on a knife edge.

Sorry it's so long and utterly mundane. In my position WWYD?

when I go we forewarn that I'm not too good, it helps, but I understand- I'm terribly apprehensive about going away in September with my elderly mum, I too suffer mental problems for 30 years and have very ill periods which leave me vulnerable and weak mentally.

Goodness, I feel for you. I would have no hesitation in not signing up for this in the first place, especially given the unacceptable tell the kids first and hope to bounce them into it. Id opt out, no question.

What wise words from oldstripy.

Is there any chance the DCs would enjoy a holiday on their own with the GP's?

Hope you find what works for you.

Thank you everyone, you have all been so kind and it's been really helpful to get my thoughts in order, in the end dp took the decision out of my hands and decided it would be wrong for us to go, and too much of a risk with my health which I was grateful for.

PIL's are understandably not happy, but hopefully will be okay about it.

I thought it was interesting that some thought booking a holiday without asking us was inappropriate regardless, I thought it was knowing that they know how much I struggle with travel, but thought others might see it as a nice surprise? Maybe not.

We will take the dc's somewhere in the UK and also for a couple of days out next week and they are completely happy with that even my oldest who was originally very disappointed, so I feel less upset about that now.

Will get my meds reviewed and I see my therapist soon so hopefully will be feeling a bit more back on track soon. I generally 'cope' (though it really is just coping) with most things quite well, I think I have long accepted that I won't ever really be well, (whatever that is) but I am usually reasonably okay.

Thanks again everyone

So glad your DP decided for you all- what a caring thing to do

His parents may be a bit annoyed now, but they'll have a great holiday regardless and they kind of brought it upon themselves! Plus when things are booked no-one can predict the future.