Depression and severe anger

[Fullsteamahead]

Hi all. Just wondering if anyone has experiences of this? I was first diagnosed with PND after having my first child 12 years ago. Was on citalopram for about a year, gradually weaned myself off it and all was fine for a few years. Then I had a second episode triggered by stress at work/new baby/house move. Again took 20 mg citalopram for about a year, after which decided to come off as I felt much better.

I'm about to book an appt to see the doctor next week as sadly I'm feeling rubbish again :(
I started new business about 10 months ago which has pushed me to an absolute limit both physically and mentally
Now, my major concern is that my symptoms are though similar to generally accepted symptoms of depression are indeed very different.
I do feel shattered all the time and really struggle to get out of bed, I do have very low self esteem as well as very low sex drive. However, I do not suffer from anxiety commonly associated with depression.

My main problem is severe anger which can be triggered by the smallest silliest things. I wake up in the morning feeling angry, feeling angry with myself, with my husband, kids, the whole world, I find myself constantly snapping and shouting at everyone. It's exhausting, embarrassing and extremely frustrating. Only when I'm on my own late at night I manage to slow my brain down somehow and process it all, which makes me extremely embarrassed and sad, then I fall asleep, but when I wake up the whole thing starts all over again and I can't seem to manage to control it.

I'd love to hear the stories of anyone who have had similar symptoms and how you've coped. I'm just so tired of this and really need to sort it out for the sake of my children.

Just wondered why you came off the citalopram if it was helping? Stay on it- I've stayed on mine and I'm taking 40mg. Doing the job so far

Depression and anxiety do often go hand in hand, yes; to varying degrees, although not always. Citalopram is a drug that is often prescribed for anxiety problems (although it is an antidepressant).
Being easily annoyed or irritable is a symptom of anxiety, (according to very commonly used screening tools). It must be very stressful running your own business. Do you get any downtime, relaxation time or any sort of work life balance? In short, are you looking after your own needs enough?

Hi Fullsteamahead, so sorry to hear you're going through a hard time & well done for taking that big step of booking a docs appt. I can relate to your situation.....

After 2 years' struggling with the stress & exhaustion of the work / family juggle I finally went to the GP 3 weeks ago and was diagnosed with anxiety & depression. My mental symptoms were similar to yours: severe exhaustion, frustration, anger with husband and kids (ages 3&7) over anything & everything, low self care / esteem, etc. I was very aware of these and tried to self manage through diet, little alcohol, exercise, meditation, relaxing baths, slowing social life down, etc....but as the work pressure increased, I lost my self-care rhythm and the symptoms turned physical....full blown anxiety, racing thoughts, fast heart, trouble breathing, sweating, headaches, morning jaw ache, etc.

The GP reassured me by saying professional working mums are the last ones to give in and book a doc appt, but because of this, they're generally quite poorly by the time they sit in front of her. That's definitely me! She advised a 3 prong approach - (1) time off work (2) counselling and (3) anti anxiety meds (Sertraline). Whilst I didn't want to take time off work (big project, tight delivery timescale, letting colleagues down) and meds, I knew I needed to for the sake of my health and my family. I realise that may not be so easy for you with your own business....

The last 3 weeks have been really tough, the side effects of the meds were truly awful for 2 weeks. I then had a few days of feeling like my old self (happy, confident, energy, non judgemental) but have since nose-dived! I'm not sure if the medication doesn't suit me or if by taking that first step I've opened the floodgates. Perhaps all my worries & stresses are pouring out taking me to rock bottom to enable me to work my way up again?!

At first I thought I'd need a month or two off work, but now I'm thinking that was a serious understatement, especially given that coincided with school summer holidays (another thread!). My children have mostly been in nursery, summer clubs etc, but the change of routine is hard for everyone. I'm back with the GP on Monday and really looking forward to her advice.

I hope you have success with your GP and find some way of relieving your current pressures to give you chance to get better and enjoy life again.

Thank you so much everyone and especially dragonflymama, it really does help to know I'm not the only one with these symptoms.
I phoned today but couldn't get an appt, was advised to call back tomorrow morning so might even get seen tomorrow.
Theoretically I do have two days off a week at the moment, however they are not two consecutive days and because it's my own business I still can't get away from it all even on my days off :(
Was out for a few hours with kids today which was lovely but then as soon as we got into the car to head home my mood just changed, I got soooo stressed (funnily enough dragonflymama fast heartbeat and shallow breathing!), I'm now also struggling with concentration which is a nightmare when trying to run a business as I have to be super organised and plan ahead all the time.

Anyway, really having a shit time right now, just want to crawl into my bed and stay there forever and not see anyone :(

Hi op, I too can relate to these symptoms and irritability/anger is the thing making me consider seeking help as it's not fair on my kids. Hope you're feeling a bit better now? Outwardly I'm a successful professional with lovely kids and husband. On the inside I'm barely holding it together and the slightest thing tips me over into ranty mummy :( I've had daydreams where I head off to a hotel and leave everyone to get on better without me, but I know that would screw my kids up so I feel trapped and terrified that I'm screwing them up by being the mother I am... if that makes sense.

Anger and anxiety are very closely linked so I wouldn't worry too much about which one you experience - I have both then ricochet into low mood every now and again.

I'm trying to focus on the positives and not beat myself up too much when I fall short of my own high expectations. Getting enough sleep and eating well makes a huge difference for me too.

I had an 'angry depression' for a while. It ended with DH deciding he'd had enough and was leaving me. I was trying to do paid work and juggle everything - 4 children, bullying at work, DH being like a chocolate tea pot, physical chronic health problems too. Eventually I fell apart and really i am still trying to get back to paid work. DH didn't actually leave - but we went to separate rooms for a while and ran the household together. I made the decision I had to tell him how awful i was feeling - and how much more I needed him to do around the place. I also apologised for my bad temper. We are still together and get on much better - and he does more around the house and with the boys. I became aware one of the boys - who was then a young teen, he has LDs - was actually scared of me. I get on much better with him too!! I don't think I was able to calm down and have my mood lift till i was on ADs and taking a break from work. However, i am kind of stuck now as I can't go back to old work - and my physical health is bad too. The meds and the break gave me essential thinking and breathing space though.

OP I'm sorry to hear you're going through such a bad time. I have felt the same way for some months and think you're really strong for being able to address this so positively. I'd like to have the opportunity to see what others have been through too, but just wanted to say you're most definitely not alone in feeling the way you do

Misty9 I could have written your post to the letter. I find exercise helps but struggling to motivate myself at present. I'm just terrified at the impact having such an unpredictable mum will have on my children, but can't seem to help myself- I just snap A LOT!

Ugh, just come home 10 minutes after going out as planned drink with DH descended into me ranting before we ever got to the pub...

I have been a ranty mare for the last couple of months and I hate it. The summer holidays have nearly tipped me over the edge. My poor kids never know what I'm going to start shouting about next.

I just feel overwhelmed by the state of the house, work, kids, elderly parents. And my husband just forever telling me he's stressed with work and being no help at all.

I was putting it down to being peri-menopausal but now I've just had enough of myself. Going to see doctor next week. Not sure if I want hormones of anti-depressants though...

I am exactly the same and could have written your post OP. I think I know why I'm the way I am. I took setraline for 14 months and in that time had it upped from 50mg to 100mg. It worked for a while but then it felt like it wore off. I've noticed a pattern with my depression and when it reaches its absolute worst I literally just need to go away for a day or so (preferably to bed) and just do nothing. I literally don't know how else to handle it. I'm having a bad time at the moment - the summer holidays are killing me. I can't wait for September and I feel bad for wishing the time away

I also could've written misty9's post. I finally took the plunge and went to the GP a few weeks back and now I'm in 20mg of citalopram. It has taken the edge off it but my pmt is still noticeable and I'm having to really think about staying calm and being pleasant. But at least it's giving me the space to do that, because before I wasn't able to.

Oh op totally feel for you I feel the same
I think mums massively struggle and no one can see
I called the mh team they were no use but I wanted to die
It's exhausting it really is am sorry :-(

I am a manic depressive and I often get very angry and more than is justified by the situation.. I was prescribed Valproate Semi Sodium Or Valproaic Acid..

It doesn't help with depression but does help keep me from blowing my stack at the drop of a feather.. The lovely thing about it is it seems to clear out of the body pretty fast and without any side effects or withdrawal symptoms..

Good luck