I Am Evil

[Broken1Girl]

This is so difficult to admit,but I'm really struggling to care for my darling cat.
I know I'm not well right now. I keep asking for help and getting dismissed.
Convinced cat has something badly wrong. I know she has fleas. I am now itching, no marks on me I can see, don't care about myself though.
I'm so evil.
I can't ask for help in case they take her away.
That might be best for her.
I should die.

Can I ask whereabouts you are op?

South-east.
Not saying more specifically, obviously.
Why do you ask SuperHeroes?

Done.
Keeping going for my cat but I just can't much longer.
I made myself go into town, but made an idiot of myself dropping things in supermarket.
Sure everyone was looking at me and laughing, I'm a freak. I look like one. My ex dodgy landlord knows people and is powerful, and it's scaring me.

Could you get yourself to the Drs today and speak to your gp again?
Be kind to yourself. You just need the right support

GP won't deal with MH issues because I'm under CMHT.
CMHT hate me.
Meeting is in 2 weeks. Nothing until then.
Done. Everyone treats me like scum. They're not listening to how desperate I am.

Do you have a daughter, Broken?

Forgive me if I've mixed you up with someone else.

How would you feel about phoning the Samaritans?

Talk to The Samaritans.

And have a think about what you would want MH services to do. What would help?. What has helped in the past?.

Services despise me, think I am low vile disgusting criminal scum.
I am.
I should die.

I don't know
I just want to not feel this bad.
To not jump every time the door buzzer goes even if I'm expecting someone/ delivery/ takeaway.
To not feel panic every time I hear a police siren
To be a person, worth something. I'm a thing here for people to take their issues out on, not a person.
To not have intrusive images of hurting myself or the cat.
That my family loved me instead of just seeing me as aforementioned thing.
For my life to be bearable.
I bit my own hand, how crazy is that. I scream. Other stuff. Part of me thinks I need to be sectioned. If I was ill I wouldn't think I was though. I'm just bad. I just need to accept that and do what I need to do.

No, you are ill. You aren't bad. Can you see the difference?

The illness makes you think things that aren't right. Like how you feel everyone hates you. That's not possible. You feel you are scum, that's also not really possible or realistic. Keep posting here. How does what ive said make you feel? Think, clearly.

Also, hows your cat? You never told us her name?

Hey, brokengirl i need to know the puddycats name. Im getting a kitten, and need inspiration - my mum has scoffed at my ideas, so i need new ones. The kitten has tabby stripes and white socks.

Thank you, Fast. Your post was about comforting, but then guilty about that. I know logically you're right but aaaargh.
Madam BrokenCat is surviving, thanks, she's happier now she's flea free. Although I still need to get a urine sample from her
She's been so sweet, she honestly knows I'm struggling and comes for cuddles.
She's called Pippi, as in Longstocking. She's a tortie and white, with little white socks and stripy legs, hence the name, not chosen by me - rescue - thought it suited her so I kept it. Aww jealous of your new kitten!

Hullo Broken1Girl

We're so sorry you're feeling low - we really hope that things get brighter for you soon. Our mental health guide has some useful links - we hope they might be of some use.

Oh good luck with the urine sample. I had to get one from a dog i used to have. You should have seen the dustpan/funnel contraption they gave me to help with that particular lovely task.

It was a German Shepherd. So. Much. Wee.

Thanks.
I don't envy you that, not sure I want to imagine They have given me some special litter and a pipette thing. She's not going to use it, is she?
When do you get your kitten?

I can't
Just hurting so much.
I deserve to.
Maybe cowardly way out but I can't any more.

I can't. Done. Broken. Nothing left.

Just had to virtually talk friend off a bridge.
Had to call police. Even that contact with them has me shaking and crying.
She will get help.
I don't matter.
It's just me that is evil, that police and mh services hate so much so they must be right, I am bad
evil
Broken

I am undeserving

Can't even get through to crisis line
Signs I should just do the world a favour.

You always seem to post very late at night or early in the morning op.

Do you work through the day?

Are you looking after yourself properly with rest/food/drink?

Have you spoken to anyone today?

Hi OP, please talk to us, how are u feeling today?how did u talk your friend off that bridge? U deserve someone to say those comforting things to u, I wish I knew what they were, then maybe I could help a tiny bit, have you considered calling the Samaritans? They are not MH professionals, just ordinary ppl who volunteer to listen, I've attempted suicide before, I felt that the force of all the darkness and bad feelings in my head were pushing me towards a cliff, I felt the choice I had was to jump off that cliff (end my life), or to continue living with this darkness and utter self loathing, I felt I had no choice but to jump. The thing is, there is a choice, it does get better, and suicide is a very permanent solution. You are worth it, be kind to yourself, the mind is a powerful thing and at the moment it's working against u, fight back, you can be happy, make the choice to keep facing it another day, please don't give up xx

Thank you all. Sorry, haven't even had the energy to update.
No Bitty I don't work at the moment, too mental, just have a messed-up sleeping pattern.
I'm sorry you felt so bad Whoop. Exactly, it's the self-hate, feel like that...just can't see how to go on in this dark, can't see things getting better. I try to tell myself they will but 😕 x